


More than Brothers

by Mayfic5



Category: EastEnders (TV), EastEnders (TV) RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Masturbation, Men Crying, Oral Sex, Other, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:02:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 46,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24765109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayfic5/pseuds/Mayfic5
Summary: Overview:As EastEnders prepares to go off air for three months, here’s some dreams of what might have happened in the gap and some more dreams of what might well happen once they’re back. After Ben and Jay’s lives fall apart at the same time, will theyfinallyfind comfort in each other’s arms?
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown/Lola Pearce, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 37
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1 - Ben’s POV

**Author's Note:**

> Unseen timeline:
> 
> *Mid June - Jay discovers Lola’s ONS with Peter/decides to forgives her  
> *Late June - Ben has successful hearing operation  
> *Mid July - Callum leaves Ben  
> *Throughout July/August - Lola resumes/continues affair with Peter  
> *Throughout July/August - Ben and Jay support each other through hell  
> *Early September - read on and find out!

Saturday 5th September 2020

Jay hardly ever cried. So Ben knew things must be really bad when he found his best friend sitting on the edge of his sofa, head in his hands and shoulders heaving with desperate sobs. Ben’s heart dropped to see him like this. Jay was soft-hearted but he wasn’t one for big displays of emotion - not like Ben himself, who had always struggled to contain his feelings and would openly rage or cry fairly frequently. Ben was the diva of the two of them and it was normally Jay that he turned to whenever he was in need of comforting (or placating). Jay, being the more temperate of the pair, had always been there. No one understood Ben like Jay did and he had always been on hand offering endless kindness, patience and straight talking - something that Ben needed when he was going off on one, (yet again) and probably took for granted. But Jay didn’t often ask for help back. He was secretive and mostly tried to deal with things alone - hence why Ben had found him in this state unexpectedly. He knew something must be really, really wrong for Jay to be in such bad shape and that deeply worried Ben. Jay breaking down was a rarity but once he was gone he was well and truly gone so Ben knew he needed to step up to the plate for once to try to console the broken man he saw sitting before him; a man he had known more than half his life and dearly loved the entire time.

“Jay, mate what is it? What the hell’s ‘appened?!”

Jay couldn’t manage any words and still had his head in his hands - all he could respond with was another strangled sob.

Ben felt himself tearing up at his friend’s distress and rapidly sat down beside him, flinging a comforting arm around Jay and pulling him in for a hug. To his surprise, despite his shoulders stiffening at Ben’s sudden movement, Jay didn’t resist the hug and allowed himself to be pulled into Ben’s arms, where he buried his head and continued to cry. Despite his calm exterior, Ben felt frantic inside - this must be so, so bad. What the hell had happened?

“Hey, hey - it’s okay - I’m here, I’m here...”

Jay’s sobs subsided slightly and he pulled away from the hug, looking down and refusing to meet Ben’s eyes. His long, golden eyelashes were wet with tears and he looked so pale and drawn - even more so than usual. He used the sleeves of his hoody to wipe his tearful face and stared off into space, still avoiding Ben’s concerned gaze.

“Please Jay. What is it bruv? You can tell me anythin’ - you know that.”

Still more silence. Ben knew his buddy was struggling to find the right words, clamming up like he usually did and probably afraid that he’d crumble again if he even attempted to explain. There was no point in pushing him, he just had to be patient.

Ben stood up;

“Take your time. I’m gonna make us a cuppa and then you can tell me what’s wrong when yer ready.”

It was only three footsteps over to Jay’s kitchen which was part of the living room, but Ben turned his back to make the tea and acted as though he’d gone into another room entirely, to give Jay time to get himself together. He’d let himself into Jay’s house to borrow a PS4 game and found him sitting in the dark, breaking his own heart. Ben suddenly felt guilty that he’d come in, switched on the lights and interrupted his friend’s private distress as he knew that Jay hated looking vulnerable. Jay had been drinking as well. Quite a lot by the looks of it as the place was an absolute tip. He looked at the coffee table and saw an overflowing ashtray and two packs of B&H Blue, one open and clearly in use. Jesus, he’d started smoking again after how many years? Things must be bad. Ben counted 5 empty, crushed cans of Carling on the table and a bottle of Bells that had easily been more than half drunk. Jay weren’t messing about. In fact it was possibly nearer three quarters that had been backed. Straight from the bottle as well, as Ben couldn’t see a tumbler anywhere. Ben knew it was futile to hope that the scotch had already been cracked into at an earlier date as his boy had clearly put away a fair bit of booze and skinny Jay wasn’t known for holding his drink well. A disturbing thought entered Ben’s mind and panic rose internally as he scanned the table for any signs of cocaine usage, calming slightly when he couldn’t find any trace. Jay had had a big problem with the gear a few years ago and had nearly got himself killed by dealers. Ben occasionally feared that Jay would fall back into it again one day so his relief was palpable that his friend appeared to have stopped at only having a one-man piss up.

As the kettle boiled, Ben threw two teabags into two mugs, got the milk out of the fridge and walked over to switch the harsh main light off, swapping it for the calmer glow of a table lamp. He grabbed a blue plastic bag (clearly what Jay had brought his haul back from the offy with) and cleared away the beer cans into it, as well as yesterday’s sodden newspaper. He also emptied the ashtray into it before throwing the blue bag into the proper bin. He couldn’t be arsed with sorting the recycling today. Jay didn’t move once and didn’t look like he was even aware of Ben clearing up, aiming his thousand yard stare towards the bay window in front of him. It was dusk and the faint sound of people laughing outside and a car alarm in the distance went seemingly unnoticed by Jay, who looked utterly haunted.

“Here y’are” Ben placed both teas down on the table in front of them both, which finally garnered a reaction; a small, almost whispered “cheers” from Jay, who blew his drink to cool it down before taking a sip.

“I put extra sugar in yours. Where is everybody.”

“Broadstairs. Billy and Honey and the kids have gone to stay with Honey’s auntie for the week” came Jay’s monotone, slightly slurred reply.

Aaah yes. Ben remembered, as he took a sip of his tea - it was early September and the last few days of the summer holidays so Bill’s lot had obviously nipped off to get some last minute sun and sea before Janet and William needed to be back at school.

“And Lo? I thought she’d be staying round here with Lexi tonight because they ain’t at mine!” Ben suddenly started to panic - where was Lola with his daughter?

Just as Ben was starting to connect the dots, Jay reached into the pocket of his grey joggers and pulled out a crumpled note, which he softly threw into Ben’s lap. Ben opened up the letter and tried to take in what the neat, round handwriting was saying:

_Jay_

_I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you this face to face but I’m leaving. With Peter. We just couldn’t fight the feelings we were having for each other, they were too strong. I will always love you - I love you both - but there’s something else: I’m having a baby and it’s Peter’s. I know it’s so soon after... well you know. But I couldn’t have another termination. I couldn’t go through that again. The decision’s been made for me. We’re going to try and make a go of it and be a family, me, him, Lexi and the new baby. We’ve found a place in Leyton and that’s where we’ve gone. Tell Ben I’ll call him in the next couple of days about arrangements for Lexi. She’s very upset with me and I hope one day she will understand. She still wants to see you too, you know. If you want to. You’ll always be one of her dad’s and her uncle Jay. She loves you. We both do. I know you probably don’t believe me but it’s true. I hate what I’ve done to you._

_I know I’ve betrayed you badly and I know I’m a coward for running away. I just couldn’t handle being the one to cause you pain. Sometimes I wish none of this had happened and it was still just you and me. But I know I’ve made my bed and there’s no way you could ever forgive me. I should have tried harder. I know I’m low down. I’m sorry Jay. I’m so sorry._

_Lola x_

Ben’s racing heart was in his mouth by the time he’d finished the letter and his jaw tightened in anger. _How dare she?!_ he thought to himself. How fucking dare the both of them?! Peter was Ben’s half-nephew so this was a double betrayal alright. How could they do this? Who did they think they were? Tryna play happy families at everyone’s expense - he’d never allow it! Lexi was his kid too and they had no right to do one without saying anything. He’d kill the pair of them for swooping off with his daughter without a word and there’d be hell to pay for doing this to poor Jay.

Jay.

Ben looked over at his friend who was still staring wordlessly out that bloody window, fresh tears streaming down his face. Ben knew that whatever was going on out there, across Albert Square, Jay wasn’t taking any of it in. Not that he’d be able to see much anyway, what with the curtains only being open a crack. Ben didn’t know what to say.

“Jay, I, I...”

He was interrupted by Jay, suddenly animated and furious, who stood up and grabbed the bottle of scotch off of the table before hurling it at the wall - the glass shattering into a million pieces and the remaining contents dripping down the wall, brown liquid staining the blue paintwork.

“I’m never gonna be allowed to ‘ave a family of me own, am I?!” Jay shouted, his voice cracking with emotion. He sounded in absolute agony.

“Every time I come close, they either die on me, or leave! First me mum, then me nan. Me dad. All dead. And Abi too. Billy’s got his own family and Phil don’t wanna know. And now Lola. And Lexi. Gone. With ‘im! She couldn’t get rid of my baby quick enough but course she wants Peter’s, dun’t she? Shoulda known shouldn’t I? After what ‘appended with ‘im before. And with Dexter. I’m never worth sticking around for, am I? Everything I go near dies in the end anyway. Maybe I should take the hint and do meself in next. What’s the point in carrying on, aye? What the ‘ell’s the point?!”

And with that, his tirade over, Jay collapsed back onto the sofa and broke down into more anguished sobs. Ben, who was by now crying himself, grabbed him into a bear hug and let his friend bawl his eyes out into the hollow of his neck, hot tears stinging his own eyes as he felt every ounce of Jay’s raw, unbearable pain.

How could Jay be even thinking of hurting himself - of ending it all? No. He wouldn’t - couldn’t - let him. He couldn’t live without him...


	2. Chapter 2 - Ben’s POV (mildly explicit)

Ben loved the broken man in his arms with all of his heart and he always had done - ever since they had first met all those years back. Ben had been 11 years old and Jay, about a year and a half older, the year above him at school. Back then, Jay was a scrappy, rebellious kid with a big gob and an even bigger attitude and by rights could have (and probably should have) bullied the effeminate Ben. But he never did. Not once. They instantly got on very naturally and Jay looked out for him and showed him nothing but kindness, despite the mess his own life was in. Ben had never had it easy himself; contracting meningitis soon after he was born which left him half deaf and then spirited off to South Africa for years until he was returned to his father in Walford at nearly 10 years old after his mother had got into brother and faked her own death. It would be nearly a decade before she returned, shocking the hell out of Ben, and during that time, Jay had become the only constant in his life. 

Ben had always suffered his alcoholic father’s disapproval and for a time had been violently abused by his evil stepmother Stella. He was small for his age, wore glasses and a hearing aid, was weedy and not into macho pursuits, preferring theatre and dancing. He had always known he was gay and truth be told, most other people seemed to have worked it out too, so he attracted bullies like moths to a flame. None of that mattered to Jay - he had always accepted Ben for who he was and never treated him any differently. Jay had seen off every one of those bullies, protecting Ben like a big brother would have - and this was even from before they actually became brothers for real. Well, foster brothers anyway. After Jay was orphaned at 13, he’d been fostered by Billy Mitchell and then later by Ben’s dad Phil so the bond between them became even stronger. They had shared a room on and off for over a decade, between Ben’s spells in juvy and prison at least. First in the pub whilst his nan Peggy had still owned it and a homeless Billy and Jay had moved in. And then later at 55 Victoria Road for several years, his dad’s purchase after he drunkenly started a fire at the Vic. And then lastly in this very houseshare a couple of years back, before Ben went on the run for a year after stealing some money.

Ben thought about the man he held in his arms and what _he’d_ been through. Jay’s childhood had been just as screwed up as Ben’s and was heartbreaking to even think about; his mother had died of breast cancer when Jay was 9 and his nan had gone the same way a couple of years later. His biological granddad hadn’t even known of Jay’s existence and wasn’t cut out to look after him so that by 12 years old, Jay was pretty much looking after himself independently. Although he must have been precociously self-sufficient even before that seeing as both his maternal influences had gotten ill and died when he was so young.

Then Jay’s dad re-entered his life, fresh out of prison and determined to steer his son right. Jay had absolutely idolised his old man. Jase Dyer was a good guy at heart but had a murky past he was trying to leave behind him. Unfortunately the football firm Jase had used to run with, caught up with him and murdered him after only a year of being back in Jay’s life. After a short stint in a care home, Billy Mitchell had taken Jay in to assuage his guilt over not helping Jase before he died and was mainly very good to him. Billy’s kindness and determination to keep Jay out of the care system was extraordinary and Ben knew that Jay would never forget that kindness and took every opportunity he had to repay it. But back then, Billy was unreliable and a bit of liability with employment, so much of Jay’s teen years had involved being shifted from place to place, sofa surfing without much money. He’d spent several shifts sleeping rough. He’d even been stabbed by a gang way back when.

Phil took over Jay’s care from Billy after one of Billy and Jay’s occasional fall-outs. Not long after, Billy’s granddaughter Lola came into his life. Another stray that Billy, a good man, managed to retrieve from the care system - almost certainly due to the abuse Billy himself had suffered in a care home as a child. And that’s when Ben and Jay really did become more than mates. Now they were proper brothers. Ben especially, pushed the terminology even though sometimes it stuck in his craw. Because he was trying to convince himself that that’s all they were and that he only saw Jay in a friendly, familial way. Sharing a room with Jay over the years meant getting to know everything about him and also seeing him in various states of undress. And being a young, gay man, Ben started experiencing some confusing feelings for his “brother”. Jay was kind, cheeky, funny and good-looking. He was a grafter and up for a laugh. And he always stood up for Ben and knew how to calm him down. What was not to like? It was more than just attraction though. Ben fell deeply, deeply in love with his friend and struggled to hide it. He could never tell Jay how he felt though, for Jay from a young age had only ever shown attraction to women and had always been obviously straight, sometimes rampantly so! He was forever nicking his cousin Roxy’s underwear for a laugh as a youngster!

So Ben made do with the fantasies in his head; imagining what it would be like if Jay was his, if he could ever return his love. How it would feel to kiss Jay. And more. All Ben could do was hide in his room when no one was around and touch himself to the thoughts in his head. Thoughts of Jay. The way Jay’s mischievous grin met his eyes and made them sparkle whenever he was on a wind up. Memories of Jay working out and how competent, athletic yet graceful he looked when he was boxing or having a kick about. Snapshots of furtive glances he’d gotten at Jay walking out of the shower with just a towel around his waist, droplets falling from his wet strawberry blonde hair and making his slim torso shine from the water, his lean muscles catching the light. And he’d seen what goods Jay had going on downstairs. Caught him touching himself a few times too, unaware that his private bliss was being spied on by Ben. Jay always looked so carefree and beautiful when he climaxed. It gave Ben goosebumps just thinking about how much his best friend and so-called brother aroused him. Any time Jay hugged him or even innocently brushed his arm - the slightest touch from him made Ben’s heart thud, his stomach rush and all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He made Ben hard too, his piece swelling in his pants just from catching one of Jay’s killer smiles, sometimes. The forbidden element only made it worse and he hoped that nobody would ever work out his invisible longing.

But it sometimes made Ben resentful that Jay would never be his. He would occasionally lash out or be spiteful to Jay, who would be completely bewildered but always gave as good as he got. Jay seemed to just put this bitchiness down to Ben’s frequent mood swings and never probed any further. He had always accepted the way Ben was without question. Ben knew that Jay empathised with him as he had seen how hard Ben had had it and was a daily witness to all his struggles with Phil, so he let him be. Ben had used to think that his dad had favoured Jay and jealousy often clouded his thoughts. But Phil had proved many times since then that Jay was expendable whenever he wouldn’t blindly toe the Mitchell line, often cutting him off during periods that he most needed support and even throwing him out into the elements. Ben could now clearly see that Jay was just a spare son for Phil who he happened to be fond of because of shared interests - that was all. Neither of them could win with a man like him really. Taking Phil out of the equation, Ben also suspected that lonely Jay was just so delighted to finally have someone he could call a little brother, that he let Ben get away with murder sometimes. This only made Ben love him all the more. Jay was so vulnerable really, so truly alone in this world that he needed Ben as much as Ben needed him.

He was quite sure Jay hadn’t had any idea at all about his feelings for him until Ben had drunkenly tried to kiss him some five years back. Jay had pulled away in horror immediately and walked out of the room - out of the house, even - completely stunned. Poleaxed in fact. He’d eyed Ben with wary suspicion over the next few months - especially because Ben was using Jay’s ex Abi as a beard, a cover story to try and prove to his homophobic father that he wasn’t really gay. Jay was furious about it and their relationship hit a a real bump in the road. He had begged Ben to be honest - to stop hurting Abi - to come out and be proud. And to hell with what Phil or anyone else thought! Ben eventually took his advice and Jay relaxed when Ben had seemed to finally accept his sexuality and settled down with Paul Coker. He seemingly went back to being completely oblivious of Ben’s feelings for him, obviously just putting the attempted kiss down to a confused blip on Ben’s part. Ben wished the whole thing had played out very differently and regretted his behaviour back then.

Ben had loved Paul madly. And Callum for that matter. Both men had similarities; kind, compassionate, gorgeous and both had the patience to deal with Ben’s anger and his complexities. Paul, bless his heart, had been integral in Ben’s coming out journey. His first “official” boyfriend. And to outsiders, what appeared to be his first love. Ben knew differently. Jay had championed their relationship and helped Ben feel comfortable about his sexuality. Encouraging him to have pride in himself. Paul had such a beautiful spirit and Ben cared deeply for him but the truth was he was not his first love at all. That honour went to Jay, not that he knew it.

Still, that didn’t stop Ben’s total devastation when Paul was murdered, brutally beaten to death in a homophobic attack. Ben had also been injured and upon later seeing his boyfriend’s cold, bruised body in his coffin, wished that he had died with him or instead. Almost everything from that painful time four years ago was a blur now - Ben was sure that his mind was deliberately trying to block things out so that he wouldn’t go completely insane with the pain of it all. Paul didn’t deserve to die - they’d loved each other so much and Ben had questioned why he, with all his misdeeds and all the bad things he’d done in his life had gotten to survive whereas a truly decent guy like Paul had been taken away. It certainly seemed true that only the good died young. And it felt like Ben’s only chance of love and happiness had disappeared into Paul’s grave with him.

Jay had stepped in to help Ben get back on his feet again after Paul’s death. Every day he checked in on him, let him cry, shout, throw things. Most days that awful summer, they both took an hour or two away from it all and sat on a bench in the square or at the war memorial, sometimes talking about their memories of Paul, sometimes planning what they’d do next, sometimes Ben would cry with Jay’s arms around him and sometimes they’d just sit in silence, knowing that they didn’t need to say anything at all. Jay would bring him flasks of tea or coffee and bacon sarnies to keep him going when he couldn’t find the energy to make himself food. Sometimes he’d even bring a couple of beers nicked from Billy’s fridge. Pragmatic but still gentle, Jay was the first person to get a laugh out of him during a time he thought he might never laugh again. And this was despite the personal hell Jay was going through at the same time, what with his drug addiction and being unemployed and of no fixed abode at that point in time.

Phil had disowned Jay due to him being unfairly and mistakenly accused of grooming an underage girl. Ben knew that Jay was completely innocent and that his intentions were totally honourable and that his only stupidity lie in not checking his facts. Jay thankfully hadn’t even touched the girl, who had misled him over her age (and who they’d all assumed was about 21 - not her actual age of 14 - when she’d joined them for a couple of nights out drinking). She’d even given Jay a fake name for herself. But that hadn’t stopped Phil and most of the neighbourhood from shunning him and making his life hell for several months. Calling him names, refusing him jobs. He was beaten up as well. No smoke without fire for most of the flaming hypocrites. As a result, Jay had spent periods of that summer and autumn sleeping rough on and off. He was a broken man and had been forced into dealing drugs to help him survive. Only, he’d ended up getting hooked on them as well - a way to block out the sheer misery he was facing daily, no doubt. Looking back now, Ben could hardly believe that Jay was still standing up himself after all that had happened that year - let alone that he’d gone out of his way to care for Ben. But like Jay had said at the time, Ben had supported him through his ordeal no questions asked. In his mind it was simply him returning the favour. That’s what brothers did. Ben remembered how broken they both were throughout 2016, one of the worst, most desolate years of both their lives. And how they had helped each other pull through it.

In fact they’d always helped each other pull through everything. The two of them had been through so much together. Ben flashed back to another horrible time; 2012, when he’d killed Heather Trott.

He hadn’t meant to kill her of course. He hadn’t even wanted to hurt her really, although he was planning to rob her for getaway money after he mistakenly thought she’d grassed him to the police for lying and getting his old man banged up. God he was such a messed up shit of a child. It had been his 16th birthday and in his irrational fury, he had wrapped a metal photo frame around poor Heather’s head, causing her to fall and hit her head again, the second blow proving fatal. One moment of madness - one split second and he’d taken a life and ruined countless others. Most poignantly of all, Heather’s toddler son George who he’d left motherless. That poor kid. And poor, lovely Hev who’d been nothing but kind to Ben. These days he often cried bitter, remorseful tears at night when he thought about what he’d done to her; apologising over and over at the sky. But at the time, after begging Phil and coercing Jay into covering for him, they had all spent the next few months tense as hell, living on a knife edge until Ben finally cracked and confessed to the police. It was perhaps one of the only other times Ben could remember seeing Jay in worse shape than he was in now - he had been completely and utterly traumatised with what he’d witnessed that night and the lies that they’d all been forced to tell in the aftermath didn’t sit easily with honest Jay. He’d always been the one with the nagging conscience, had Jay. Still, loyal to a fault, he’d kept his trap shut until Ben had already confessed to the police and convinced Jay to back him up. He’d practically had to beg by sending a note between police interview rooms via their solicitors.

It was also perhaps the only time in their lives that Ben could remember Jay truly disliking him. He recalled how Jay could hardly stand to look at him or be in the same room as him in the weeks following what he’d done and it hurt so badly. Jay, the elder and physically stronger of the two boys, actually admitted to Ben that he was scared of him. That he no longer knew what he was capable of and no longer considered them brothers. He also flashed back to memories of Jay curled up on his bed in the middle of the night, shaking, his body racked with painful, guilty sobs that he aimed into his pillow so that no one would hear him. But Ben heard him. And saw him. What this had done to him. It tore him up. He’d destroyed the boy he loved. Ben had been so scared that he’d lost him forever. And yet Jay still hadn’t grassed Ben up despite it costing him his mental health and that lack of action eventually earnt him community service for perverting the course of justice. This man was truly a treasure and during Ben’s time in prison, he had reflected on the hell he’d put Jay through and his guilt had eaten away at him daily. When he got out after serving his time for the manslaughter, it was Jay he got in touch with first and it was Jay who eventually welcomed him back to Walford with open arms, even after everything. Ben still couldn’t believe Jay had given him the time of day. He must truly love him too, surely?

Prison had hardened Ben, his experiences inside - the bullying, the beatings, the sexual assaults - it had made him bitter, brittle and defensive. One plus, was that he was no longer effeminate and thus less vulnerable. He had become physically stronger and learnt how to take a beating. He had never been great at dishing one out but he’d learnt a thing or too. He’d also gotten mentally stronger but not in any kind of healthy way. Ben had just closed off his heart. All of it had made him shut down and find it hard to let others near him. The exceptions (his daughter aside) had obviously been Jay, Paul and eventually Callum...

Callum, his most recent lover, had been dating and later engaged to their friend Whitney Dean when Ben first met him. He’d fancied him instantly - Callum was tall and handsome, with big blue eyes you could drown in. But Callum was so deeply closeted that he didn’t even seem to realise he was gay himself. Ben, being experienced, had sniffed it out almost immediately. Callum was hugely uncomfortable with this and went out of his way to avoid Ben. But for Ben this meant the attraction only grew and his unavailability only made him want Callum more.

They eventually had sex and it was all Ben had craved and more. But guilty Callum felt so terrible for cheating on poor Whitney, he pushed ahead with the wedding - only cracking and telling her the truth about sleeping with Ben the night before. Devastated Whitney had tried to carry on with the wedding but walked out at the last minute. Sweet girl that she was, she never outed Callum - even when the local gossip mongers seemed to be blaming her, assuming she’d messed up and cheated not the other way around. Callum had not been ready to come out to everyone but when Ben had been accidentally shot that same day in the pub by unhinged local teen Hunter Owen, Callum’s desperately poignant reaction had given the game away.

They’d fallen in love and started seeing each other properly. But it was tempestuous - on one minute, off again the next. Ben knew this was mostly down to him - Callum was such a good soul - too good for Ben. And therein lied the problem; Ben felt completely unworthy of Callum’s love and so kept unconsciously sabotaging their relationship with bad behaviour; lying, kissing other men, starting arguments and worst of all, engaging in criminal activity alongside his father in the hope that he’d win Phil’s approval. This posed a moral dilemma for poor Callum, who was training to become a police officer at the same time as his boyfriend was up to all sorts of shady shit. Jay and Lola had laughed their heads off at the idea of Ben and Callum playing cops and robbers - they knew what Ben was like as their childhoods had been just as rough and they hadn’t been above a bit of thieving themselves back in the day. They _got_ Ben. But Callum... well Callum was too good for him.

Every day he was with Callum he just couldn’t properly relax. He didn’t feel free to be who he really was, because who he was wasn’t good enough. Ben saw himself as a dark, corruptive influence in contrast to Callum’s pure, light soul. Ben had loved him wildly and the sex had also been amazing. And he’d so wanted it to work - after all they’d been through so much together already; the shooting, Callum coming out, Callum’s kidnap and Ben losing his hearing after the boat accident (in which he’d also lost his stepbrother Denny). Callum had been an incredible support to Ben throughout the operation to restore his hearing in June and his recovery. He’d waited on him hand and foot and learnt a little sign language in the interim. What a beautiful, amazing guy he was. But once Callum learnt that Ben had been up to nefarious dealings with his dad again, the normally gentle, meek, non-confrontational man had shocked everyone by growing a spine and dumping Ben on the spot.

Of course, Callum’s reasons were totally sound and Ben knew it. Callum had told Ben straight that he could no longer tolerate the constant lying, the drama and the fact that Ben wasn’t ever going to change, and how that now meant they would never, ever be compatible - especially with Callum’s blossoming career in the police force. He’d walked away and no amount of begging from Ben had made the slightest bit of difference. He’d run out of chances and Callum was gobsmackingly resolute once his mind was made up. Callum put in for a transfer to another department in a neighbouring borough and that was it; he was gone.

Ben had hidden in bed and cried for a solid week after Callum had left. He really had started to believe that life was on the up now that he could hear again. But his past had caught up with him and he knew he’d never escape the bad things he’d done. His lifestyle had just cost him another relationship and he was so angry with himself. No amount of coaxing from Lola or cuddles with Lexi brought him any kind of peace. He was heartbroken.

It was of course, Jay who managed to scrape him up off the floor again and get him back on an even keel. Jay had been through all this with him before - he knew the drill. Hugs, straight talking and just being ever present. Jay himself had only recently been left reeling from the revelation of Lola’s one night stand with Peter (or at least what they’d all thought was a one night stand at the time). He’d already been trying to come to terms with the fact that Lola had terminated his child because she wasn’t ready for another baby yet and now he had this betrayal to deal with. Ben knew how Jay badly wanted children of his own - a family. After all, this man was an orphan who’d watched all his relatives die, one after the other, when he was just a kid himself. He just wanted to put down roots and feel needed - wanted - by someone. It broke Ben’s heart to see Jay’s quiet despair but Jay being Jay, had put his head down and got on with it. Just briefly mentioned that the timing wasn’t right yet. There was so much going on with Ben’s hearing op and Callum leaving, that Jay probably hadn’t felt he could make a fuss. Ben felt ashamed of himself now he thought back on it. He’d been so caught up in his own problems as usual that he’d not been there enough for Jay.

After some soul searching, Jay had opted to give Lola another chance on the proviso that she cut all contact with Peter. Ben knew that Jay loved Lola very much but that if it hadn’t been for Lexi and for Ben, he might well have walked away. Ben could tell that it was only Jay’s desperation to belong and to feel part of a family that had overridden any doubts he might have had about continuing on with the flaky Lola, who had cheated on him years before with Dexter, another mate. In fact she’d left Jay for him, not returning to Walford for years. Ben also believed that Lola loved the bones of Jay really but much like Ben himself, she suffered from low self worth and didn’t feel like she deserved Jay so would routinely self sabotage. She clearly felt that Jay was too good for her and she was probably right - he was too good for all of them. For his part, Peter initially did the decent thing and resigned from the Car Lot so that it was easier to stay out of the way. Although with this evening’s revelations it looked like neither Peter or Lola had stuck to doing the decent thing for very long...

It had now been nearly two months since Callum had gone and Ben had been amazed that the world hadn’t stopped turning to be honest. He had thought he’d never get over him (and he still wasn’t, not by a long shot) but alongside the heartbreak and the self-loathing, he had to admit that there was a teeny tiny part of him that felt relieved it was over. Because now he didn’t have to pretend to be something he wasn’t - one of the good guys. He could let it all hang out now because there was no one to left to impress. He toned down his more hedonistic behaviour in front of Lexi, Lola and Kathy of course. But he knew the one person he could truly be himself around, was Jay. Jay had seen it all - seen Ben at his worst so many times and been there to pick up the pieces and yet somehow Jay still loved him enough to stick around. Jay was the only one who really got him. Who really accepted him for who he was and expected nothing in return. It was Jay who had always been there, picking up the roles of mother, father, brother and friend to Ben when the people who should have been filing those roles either weren’t there or didn’t exist. Jay felt like home.

Jay.

Ben had realised an uncomfortable truth over the last couple of months as he mourned his failed relationship with Callum. He had loved Callum so much. Just like he had loved Paul so much too. But if he was brutally honest with himself, there had been something missing in both those relationships. Or was it a feeling of immense pressure? Pressure to perform - to be what the men he loved wanted him to be. And he knew he could only ever keep letting them down, which he duly did. He believed that he’d cost Paul his life. Oh he knew that it was technically from the sickening violence of the homophobes who attacked them, unprovoked. But Ben was there, showing off and mouthing off as usual. If he’d never been with him in the first place, Paul would still be here now. And Callum? Well he’d almost got Callum killed once as well. And could have cost him his career. Ben knew he was poison.

Ben now suspected that he had been to Callum what Paul had been to to him; part of his coming out journey rather than the endgame soulmates he’d hoped they would be. _Soulmates_. That word. When he thought about that word, only one person really fit the bill and it gave him chills: Jay.

He’d always known he’d loved Jay. Always wanted him too. But it had never been an option and he couldn’t allow himself to think it could be a possibility. Jay was straight and that was that. His love for Jay could only ever be unrequited. So he’d tried to direct his affections elsewhere - Paul, Callum and many meaningless flings in between. For the most part it worked, in that he had a distraction. And he truly did love the men he let into his life. But Ben had realised now that those relationships were always going to be doomed from the get go, because fundamentally he was still completely in love with Jay. And no one knew! I mean it had taken Ben this long to figure it out after all.

Ben’s feelings had been nagging and growing over the last few weeks. It was true - no one ever had or ever would come close to what he felt for Jay and what they had between them. _Soulmates_. In Ben’s mind, Jay was perfect for him. He often suspected Jay felt the same but from a friendship perspective only - because Jay was attracted to women so how could he ever love Ben fully? The thought tore him apart more than his recent breakup with Callum. _Why?_ Thought Ben... _Why am I so deeply, incurably in love with a man who will never love me back?_ There was no justice and Ben had cried so many bitter tears knowing that these feelings were going to cost him every single relationship he would ever try to have. But he didn’t resent Jay for it. It wasn’t his fault. And he’d rather have his friend and brother in his life in some capacity rather than none. Meaningless hookups with randoms it would be then. He’d find sex on his phone app and Jay could be his confidant. That would be Ben’s life from now on, he decided. 

But first, he needed to fix his poor, broken, beautiful friend. Jay.


	3. Chapter 3 - Ben’s POV (strongly explicit)

Coming back to reality, Ben’s thoughts vanished into the ether as Jay’s sobs waned again and he pulled away from Ben’s neck and shoulder. He’d left a damp, snotty mess on Ben’s maroon t-shirt from all the tears.

“Sorry...” whispered Jay, looking down, obviously feeling guilty or embarrassed or maybe both.

“Nothin’ to apologise for!”

Ben had hoped his tone was jovial, but actually his voice had cracked again at the sight of the downcast, fragile man before him. Jay finally, for the first time that evening, looked Ben in the eyes. Jay’s own eyes were red rimmed from all the crying. Normally a bluey-grey colour, his tears (and maybe the dim light of the table lamp) seemed to have turned them almost sea-green. He looked like he wanted to say something but still couldn’t seem to manage it and despite desperately trying to compose himself, he started welling up again. Jay closed his tired eyes to try and stop them from brimming over but he couldn’t fight the hot tears that escaped, spilling down his cheeks. He was crying silently now, eyes still shut, but Ben could see he was totally unable to control the pain. _This is what happens when you bottle things up so much, bruv!_ Ben thought, a little uncharitably.

Ben couldn’t bear it. He reached his hand up to Jay’s face and brushed the tears off of his friend’s high cheekbones with his thumb. He was heartened when Jay, eyes still closed, lent in to Ben’s hand, allowing Ben to cup his wet face on one side. Ben leant forward and kissed Jay - just an affectionate peck - on the top of his gorgeous ginger head. They had both always been comfortable with a kiss on the head, in the hair - it was nothing - and Jay had done it to Ben before too, many times. But when he saw yet more tears escape through Jay’s closed eyelashes, Ben was overcome with the need to give Jay more of his love and take away all of his pain. He moved his lips down and kissed the tears off of each of Jay’s cheeks. _What am I doing?_ But what shocked him more than his own stupidity was that Jay was sitting there passive, motionless, and letting him kiss his face, not pulling away in disgust at the violation - at Ben overstepping the mark AGAIN. Ben was overflowing with love and struggling to stop himself from kissing Jay’s teary cheeks and just as he started to cop on and realise how inappropriate he was being, Jay turned his face towards Ben’s mouth and kissed him back, on the lips, a tender lingering kiss.

Neither boy dared open their eyes, not wanting reality to bite and to have to deal with the damage from this. But equally, neither boy could bear to pull away from the kiss, which was becoming slightly more heated and intense. Ben couldn’t believe this was happening! He was even more astonished when Jay cupped his face back and then slipped him the tongue!

Ben was awash with a million emotions at that point but the overriding feeling was love. True love. All for Jay. And because he really, truly loved him, Ben felt disgusting and guilty for taking advantage of his vulnerable friend. Jay was a straight man. Why was Ben manipulating him into these gay acts that Jay surely wouldn’t really want if he was feeling better? So he pulled away from the kiss abruptly and held Jay’s face in his hands, making sure to look him directly in the eyes this time so that Jay could properly see his fear and remorse. Maybe that way, one day Jay might forgive him...

“I’m sorry!” Ben choked out before bursting into shocked tears himself. He was overwhelmed. What had he done?!

Jay was studying him quizzically with an expression Ben had never seen before. The tears were finally gone and his eye contact was strong now, despite having avoided Ben’s gaze for most of the evening so far. Jay’s pupils were dilated and his breathing which had been heavy from the kiss, was starting to calm.

“Nothin’ to apologise for” Jay retorted, echoing Ben’s earlier sentiments. Jay then took his turn in wiping Ben’s tears from his face. And with that he leaned forward and kissed Ben again.

Ben, (who could have kicked himself for pulling away a second time) still needed to make sure his buddy hadn’t gone totally mad and that he was really, actually, very okay with this situation. Jay was very drunk and emotional after all. Ben looked at him in amazement - surely he was dreaming here?

“You want this? You really want this?!”

“I really want this...” said Jay in a low voice, no smile this time, but a dark, sexual glint in his eye that made Ben’s already stiff cock stand to attention even more. He’d never in all his lifetime thought he might have that look aimed towards him. Ben had no idea what the hell had turned Jay like this but he didn’t have time to think about that now. He wanted him there and then.

Ben wasn’t going to give him a chance to change his mind and dived at his face again, back for another kiss. He could taste the remnants of the booze and the ciggies from earlier on Jay’s tongue but he didn’t give a shit, he just wanted him as he was and wanted him badly. Ben’s hands moved down from Jay’s face and started pulling his grey open zip hoody off of his shoulders. Jay helped himself out of it and tossed it on the floor. Jay got braver and stood up, pulling Ben up with him so they we’re both standing next to the couch. In between fiery kisses, Jay tugged at the bottom of Ben’s maroon polo shirt (Ben’s hoody having already been discarded when he first entered the house) and pulled it up and over Ben’s head, revealing his gorgeous, husky body. Ben wasn’t fat exactly - well not at all really. Stocky, definitely. Especially compared to Jay’s slender frame. Jay was also a couple of inches taller than Ben, but they were similar enough in height to make falling into these kisses too easy.

Ben, for his part, pulled Jay’s white cotton round-neck T-shirt over his head and didn’t dare to believe that the beautiful, lean body before him with its subtle, taut abs, might actually be his for tonight. The heat Ben felt in his groin for this perfect specimen of a man was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. He’d never wanted anyone more.

Ben’s hands were everywhere as he ran them all over Jay’s smooth, pale skin. Jay still had Ben’s head in his hands as he kissed him but as they got closer and their bodies pressed together, Ben felt the unmistakable feeling of a erection pressing against his own. Jay was hard!

Ben literally gasped as his hand travelled down to feel Jay’s rock hard bulge through his grey joggers. Jay had also kicked up a gear and moved his hands down to grope Ben’s cock through his jeans, the pair of them still snogging passionately. Ben kicked his boots to one side and Jay started opening Ben’s flies. Ben helped him speed up the process by pulling down his jeans and boxers in one fell swoop, kicking them off his feet with slight difficulty and onto the floor. He was now fully naked, letting his thick, hard boner stand up proudly whilst Jay tried to take in what was happening, Ben tugged at Jay’s joggers and slowly pulled them down, again with Jay’s boxers as the same time, savouring the moment that his big, hard cock bounced free from the fabric and he stood, more apprehensively, facing Ben. Jay had been lounging at home with no shoes on, just trainer socks, so his joggers had been much easier to kick off and discard. They were both fully naked now and seeing Jay in all his glory, took Ben’s breath away.

Ben stood up eye to eye with Jay and pulled his face towards his own for another kiss, tender at first but the heat and urgency between them increasing as he felt his own naked erection touching Jay’s, both of them rock hard. Ben thrust his hips and frotted against Jay’s cock as they kissed, both breathing heavily into each other’s mouths. He reached down to grip his friends piece as well as his own so he could stroke them together for a minute and was delighted to realise that Jay had had the same idea. He let Jay’s long fingers wrap around his aching shaft and tug at it so he did the same with Jay’s cock and they jerked at each other, unable to resist rubbing the slick tips of their pricks together, then their shafts at the same time and continuing to passionately kiss, soft moans escaping them both at the gorgeous sensations.

Ben let go of his own prick, as well as Jay’s and pulled away from the kiss, instead opting to leave a trail of small kisses along his jawline, down his neck and across his collarbone. He reached Jay’s perky brown nipple and suckled on it before moving across to kiss and suck the other one. He moved back slightly and marvelled at his friend’s beautiful body again. Jay, a former bantam weight boxer had a slim, lightly toned frame, His pecs and abs were visible from exercise but not overtly pronounced, just perfect. And he had small biceps giving slight shape and strength to his otherwise wiry arms. He was subtly muscular and his body had always driven Ben wild. He really was a beauty. Ben’s breath caught in his throat as he ran his hands over Jay’s smooth hairless torso, his arms, his hips - he couldn’t stop touching him, stroking him. He looked lower, at Jay’s long, skinny legs, scanning a silvery scar on his right thigh from the historical stabbing and followed them all the way up to his crotch where he saw the trimmed firey ginger pubic hair crowning Jay’s rock hard cock. It was big, Ben thought. Bigger than he’d ever remembered seeing it. Longer than his own but perhaps not as quite as thick. It was a gorgeous dick. Ben wanted to touch it again - no - he wanted to taste it. Wanted it in his mouth.

As Jay stayed standing, frozen to the spot, Ben began to kneel down in front of him, still trailing kisses down Jay’s shivering body. As he reached the sacred area, Ben smelt Jay’s sweet scent and gently kissed and licked around the tip of his cock, tasting the slickness before pulling back his foreskin slightly and slowly taking Jay’s entire length deep in his throat. Jay, who had been looking down at him with a combination of desire and disbelief in his expression, suddenly closed his eyes, let his head fall back and let out a low moan at the sensations of Ben taking him in his mouth. Ben continued to suck up and down on Jay’s impressive piece which seemed to stiffen and throb even more as he showed Jay what bliss felt like. Twice, he would stop sucking and run his tongue all the way down Jay’s shaft before reaching his balls and softly taking one after the other in his mouth. He suckled on them whilst masturbating Jay, before returning to suck his cock again, with his free hand tugging at his own. Jay thighs were trembling and he was swaying slightly - perhaps from the effects of all the alcohol or perhaps, Ben hoped, because he’d never had oral this good before. He could feel Jay’s gentle hands in his hair and on the back of his head and felt his slight pull to guide Ben into taking him even deeper into his mouth. Ben had Jay right where he wanted him; under his spell. He also knew from experience that Jay was getting close to cumming and right on cue, he abruptly pushed Ben’s head away...

“Ben! Wait! I...”

Ben pulled his mouth away as he knew exactly what Jay wanted. He knew Jay didn’t want to lose this orgasm in Ben’s mouth - he wanted to cum inside him instead. Wanted to fuck him. And Ben wanted that too. He had dreamed of this moment for years - he was never going to deny Jay, or himself that level of ecstasy. He looked up at his beautiful friend who’s guard was by now completely down and saw a look - well more a mixture of emotion in his eyes that he’d never, ever seen before but always prayed he one day would; lust, longing, affection, vulnerability, uncertainty and a gentle, pleading innocence as obviously this was a whole new world for Jay. Ben nodded back at him, a silent acknowledgement of what Jay wanted but would never in a million years know how to ask for. An agreement.

Ben stood up and kissed Jay, once more. Jay, suddenly taking a dominant role, pulled away from their kiss, sat back down on the couch and pulled a startled Ben on top of him, onto his lap so that Ben was straddling him with his chunky thighs. Jay pulled Ben’s head towards him for another kiss, this time a rougher, more confident snog. He broke away again and spat in his own hand, before moving it under Ben’s gooch and started rubbing two wet fingers around Ben’s entrance. Ben could barely breath when Jay pushed one finger inside of him, followed by a second finger, in and out - getting him ready. It felt incredible - how did Jay know his stuff? Ben moaned and he was sure his cock had never been this hard. Jay kept fingering him from underneath and for the first time that evening, seemed to be looking - really looking - at Ben’s husky body, taking it all in, awestruck, whilst he ran his free hand over Ben’s beautiful, soft belly - complete with snail trail - and moved it up to rub his thumb over one of his puffy nipples. Ben’s chest had scars and a dusting of dark hair across it, and he was a gorgeous colouring - more olive, with the slight remnants of a summer tan in contrast to Jay’s smooth, milky-white complexion. Ben looked down at his throbbing member - he was blessed with girth in the downstairs department and his dick throbbed as he felt Jay’s fingers still gently probing his hole. He could tell Jay was unsure of how to take it to the next level so Ben decided to make the decision for him...

Ben spat in his own hand this time and grabbed Jay’s hard prick, Jay pulling his fingers out of Ben in surprise. Ben rubbed Jay’s shaft up and down a couple of times, making sure the saliva wetted it all over. He then lifted himself up slightly before slowly lowering himself onto Jay’s cock, closing his eyes and holding his breath as he braced himself. Jay entered him with more ease than he expected and as he felt Jay’s manhood become enveloped by his hole, he opened his eyes again as he couldn’t miss this moment; the perfect, horny but almost disbelieving look on his gorgeous Jay’s face as he realised he was fucking a boy for the first time. And not just any boy, but him - Ben - the boy who loved him more than anything else in the world. Jay moaned in absolute euphoria, his mouth partially open and his tired eyes heavy but full of passion as Ben started to slowly ride him.

Jay put his hands on Ben’s hips and pulled him back and forth, up and down onto his own cock. Ben himself built up a good rhythm as he rode Jay’s piece, both boys breathless, sultry moans ringing in the air as they rucked on the couch together. He just couldn’t believe Jay was inside of him, fucking him - loving him. How could this be real? But it was real. And it felt like he was honestly in heaven. Ben could feel Jay’s long prick filling him entirely and with every thrust from Jay and every bounce or grind from Ben, it was hitting that spot inside him that made him want to cum. He looked down at his own stiff, aching member bobbing up and down as they fucked, and just before he could start giving himself relief by his own hand, Jay had obviously read his mind as he once again wrapped those long fingers around Ben’s thick shaft and started to work at him in time with each thrust. Ben pondered how Jay seemed to automatically know how he liked to be touched. He felt that feeling building up in his balls and knew he was going to blow soon.

Out of left-field, Jay suddenly flipped Ben over onto the other side of the couch so that Ben was on his back. Jay knelt down on the floor in front of the couch and pulled Ben right towards the edge of the cushions so that his backside was slightly hanging off. He grabbed Ben’s hips and positioned the head of his own cock towards Ben’s opening and pushed himself inside once more. That feeling... Ben moaned as Jay slowly picked up the tempo and began fucking him again. This time the view was even better for Ben, looking up at Jay, his head back - eyes closed in pure ecstasy at first, before opening his eyes again and looking down at Ben with carnal desire. Jay leant forward and kissed Ben hotly - passionately - as they continued to screw, tongues fighting and moaning into each other’s mouths before pulling away again. This time, as Jay once again grabbed Ben’s aching cock and started to beat him off, Ben knew that neither of them could hold out much longer. Jay was well and truly in charge now. Ben was astonished! Jay was new to all this - how the hell was he so, so _good?!_ Ben whimpered as that familiar pleasure rose from his balls again and looked up at Jay who was panting and starting to get flushed across his face and his chest. This was it.

“Oh Jay!”

Shouting out loudly, Ben started cumming only slightly before Jay did, arching his back and covering his own belly, chest and his friend’s pumping hand with several sticky volleys of what might well have been the longest, most incredible, intense orgasm he’d ever experienced. It felt so exquisite, that with the first couple of shots, Ben’s ring clamped down around Jay’s cock as he pounded him, causing Jay to finally throw his head back and start shooting his load with a loud, guttural cry, spraying Ben’s insides with his cream, over and over as he shuddered in and out of Ben’s body. The force of Jay’s climax was a sight to behold. Ben had never seen a more perfect vision than of his beautiful Jay losing it and filling him with the result of their lovemaking. They had managed to simultaneously orgasm with each other and Ben thought he finally might know what paradise was like, even though he wasn’t entirely sure how he got there.

Both boys stayed still for a few seconds to catch their breath, Jay’s cock still buried inside Ben and Ben covered in his own creation. By now, Ben was too afraid to look up into Jay’s eyes, too scared to see the regret wash over him. But breathless Jay surprised Ben by leaning down for one more tender kiss, soft and wet and sweet and loving, taking panting Ben’s lips and tongue in his mouth as the final spasms in his softening cock subdued. Jay finally pulled out and knelt up, swivelling himself round to lie on the sofa next to Ben, still both somewhat out of breath and both completely spent. He snuggled up to Ben, who in turn wrapped a sweaty arm around his shoulder, neither of them wanting to lose the connection of each other’s touch. Ben started trembling. Now he was the scared one. Jay looked up at him with his tired, kind eyes and a sleepy smile.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I mean... just... WOW!” Ben opted for the more positive of the two thoughts swirling around in his head, not wanting to admit the fear was starting to win out over the post-coital high. And Jay echoed him, sighing an agreeable “wow” of his own. That was the best sex Ben had ever had. In fact it wasn’t just sex though - he and Jay had made love, no doubt about it, and Ben felt as if their souls had finally, properly connected the way they had always been supposed to. It transcended any experience he’d had before it. But he was scared too - terrified - because he knew that any minute now, it would start to sink in for Jay - a straight man - just what they had done together. And then Jay would hate himself and hate Ben even more. And that wasn’t even getting started on Jay’s devastation over the whole Lola mess. Ben could feel the tears prickling his eyes and wasn’t sure he could hide them from Jay, although Ben was stunned to realise that during all of his internal conflicting, Jay had started to feel heavy in his arms - he’d fallen asleep.

Ben waited for a few minutes and gently pulled him down a bit so that Jay’s head was in his lap, trying (and failing) not to get any cum in his gorgeous ginger hair. _That will need a shower!_ They both would, as Ben had awkwardly leaked a little of Jay’s gift off the edge of the couch as well. Jay stirred a little but didn’t properly wake up as Ben made him comfortable. Jay’s body was curled over the rest of the sofa whilst he dozed as Ben sat there, Jay’s head in his naked lap. Ben reached over the back of the sofa cushions to pull Honey’s patterned blanket over Jay’s nakedness, in case he got cold. He let him doze for quite a while. Ben didn’t know how long he was just sat there watching Jay sleep - maybe an hour possibly? He had so many thoughts racing through his mind and so many questions he wanted to ask that they were tripping over each other inside his brain. Ben ricocheted between feeling frightened and overwhelmed one minute and gloriously happy the next. Had all that really just happened? Had he really just got everything he’d always wanted? Just looking at the gorgeous sleeping man in his lap and thinking about how they’d just mated like animals made Ben’s cock start twitching again.

Ben realised that he was starting to get cold and also very, very tired too. He didn’t want to sleep anywhere else but with Jay in his arms but he knew they couldn’t stay like this on the cramped sofa all night - it was too uncomfortable. He decided he didn’t want to wake Jay, who had clearly badly needed a good kip. Whatever questions Ben had would have to wait until morning.

He looked to his left and grabbed a small cushion from the arm of the sofa and gently lifted Jay’s head from his lap as he stood himself up, putting the cushion in it’s place. Jay stirred only slightly but settled again quickly, his breathing regulating as Ben tenderly tucked him into the blanket more. Ben sat back on the footstool opposite Jay and just watched him sleep for a few more minutes, admiring his beauty. He looked so peaceful now - a far cry from all that had gone on earlier. His short ginger hair was now a fluffy mess and he had one hand under the cushion his head was currently dozing on, the other atop the blanket. He looked at Jay’s long, slim fingers and bitten nails. He’d always admired Jay’s hands - how they had stayed so soft after years of hard graft at the garage. Then he moved his eyes back up to Jay’s handsome face. The long, blonde eyelashes of his closed eyes casting fan shaped shadows on those killer cheekbones of his because of the dim light. Ben looked at Jay from top to bottom, half curled up, half sprawled out. And despite one of his long legs hanging off the end of the sofa, he looked so small and delicate as he slept. A bit like a lost angel. _His_ lost angel. Ben knew then that the roles had suddenly reversed and he would protect this boy in front of him at all costs, from anyone or anything. Because he loved him. So, so much.

And before Ben knew it, he was crying softly, tears coursing down his cheeks that he couldn’t be bothered to wipe away. His heart was bursting with love but he felt the fear of tomorrow morning and all he now had to lose, choking at it too. Ben leant over and gently kissed Jay on the temple and whispered “I love you” next to his ear, one of his tears dripping onto Jay’s cheek as he did so. Jay didn’t appear to stir although Ben thought he saw the corners of his mouth curl into the slightest, sleeping smile. But he had probably just imagined it - seen what he wanted to see because within seconds Jay was back in repose.

Ben wiped his eyes and trundled off to the shower, his legs and head felt so heavy. He set the shower for as hot as he could handle and after lathering himself up with eucalyptus shower gel, Ben let the scalding water get to work in washing away the remnants of the mucky sex that covered him. He would have tried to keep Jay’s seed inside him forever if he could have but he was very aware that he wasn’t just in his own home. And this wasn’t just Jay’s home either, so getting jizz everywhere wasn’t good form! Jay had been an absolute revelation in bed though. Wow! How on earth was it that a straight man who’d never so much as touched another man’s private’s before, had ended up being the best sex he’d ever had in his life? He was incredible! So passionate... Ben was getting hard again at the thought so tried to distract himself.

Ben was thankful that his head was starting to empty out a little bit now, too tired to think anything of substance for more than 5 seconds. The fucking followed by the hot shower had done him in and after quickly rough drying his brown hair, he wrapped a small white towel around his shoulders and a larger one around his waist and padded out of the bathroom. He took one last look at the sleeping ginger angel on the couch and crept into one of the downstairs bedrooms - Billy’s, judging by the West Ham duvet cover. Billy and Honey were trying again but taking things slowly. They were trying to move past their trust issues from his one night stand with Tina Carter 3 years prior and Honey was also in recovery from both an abusive relationship with some arsehole dentist she’d been seeing _and_ an eating disorder that Bill and Jay were trying to help her through, so he hadn’t quite been invited into her bedroom upstairs just yet. Jay and the kids had their bedrooms upstairs too and whenever Lola and Lexi stayed over, they would all jiggle round and share. Ben felt a flash of anger, followed by guilt when he thought about Lola and Lexi. _Tomorrow_ he mentally scolded himself, slight pride at how self controlled he was becoming as he aged. The old Ben Mitchell would have been in Leyton by now banging down every door! Ben normally would have tiptoed upstairs to have a lie down on Jay’s bed - Jay would never have minded - but he knew the stairs creaked and that he’d probably wake him up. So Billy’s bedroom it was.


	4. Chapter 4 - Ben’s POV

Sunday 6th September 2020

He hadn’t meant to sleep for long - just rest his tired eyes and aching body for a bit. But as the sunlight streamed through the window, Ben woke up face down on Billy’s bed, in the exact position he’d crashed out, naked but for the white towel covering his buttocks. Confused, Ben sat up rubbing his eyes and tried to take in his surroundings, remembering where he was and why. As last nights events dawned on him, he felt a weird mixture of excitement and nausea. He needed to go out and talk to Jay. What time was it? Ben looked around for his phone before realising that he’d probably left it in his jeans pocket - the jeans that were still dumped on the floor in the lounge. Ben groaned. He looked over at the digital clock on Billy’s bedside table and was horrified at what the little red numbers said;

11:39

“Shit!” Ben exclaimed to himself. He had slept in alright, it was coming on midday! Normally that wouldn’t matter for a Sunday as there was no work to contend with but Billy and Honey would be back at some point this afternoon as the kids needed to be back at school tomorrow - no wait! Tuesday - there was an INSET day at both Walford High and Walford Primary tomorrow. He knew that because Lexi... _Lexi!_ The seriousness of the situation hit him in the gut like a juggernaut. Where the hell had Lo taken her? She was due back at school in two days! This was bang out of order! There was absolutely no way...

_Priorities!_

Ben tried to calm his own rising anger down. First things first, he needed to get his clothes on and tidy up before Billy and co got back, which to be fair could be any time. Maybe he and Jay could have a talk whilst they were tidying up? Clear the air from last night - no pressure - and figure out a plan to do with Lola and Lexi. He knew his brother would always help him get his daughter back home, even if he wasn’t so keen on her mum right now...

_Brother?!_

Yeah, he probably shouldn’t ever call him that again after last night...

Ben wondered what Jay would want to call them now? Would he be feeling the same? Would he feel awkward? Or was he really okay with this? Did he want more? Did he want Ben?! Or would he never want to speak of this again? Ben’s heart was fighting its way up his throat, so sick with nerves was he about Jay. He knew he should be more worried about his daughter, or Billy walking in and catching him _in flagrante_. He briefly contemplated walking back out into the lounge completely starkers and singing a show tune like “the sun will come out, tomorrow” from Annie or something to break the tension, but decided against it as not only was that particular song a poor choice of words considering the situation (despite making Ben snigger to himself) but also because Jay might not quite be ready for Ben’s usual pushiness or sarcasm today - especially after bawling his eyes out all last night followed by, well, his first experience with another man. Not to mention, he was likely going to be hungover as well! Yeah, Jay would be fragile right about now. Ben opted to wrap the towel round his waist and walk out into the living room half covered with a cheery “Morning! Just!”

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the empty sofa.

“Jay?!”

The place was absolutely spotless - even the washing up had been done. Jay had swept. The broken glass from last night’s bottle throwing antics had been cleared up and all surfaces wiped - everything. Even the furniture angles had been moved slightly (probably a Honey demand - Feng Shui thing or something). On the couch, neatly folded, were Ben’s clothes, his mobile phone balanced on top (and still with most of its battery thank God).

Ben didn’t like the look of this at all...

“Jay!” he called out again. Silence.

Ben ran into the bathroom. Jay had obviously showered already as his West Ham towel was hanging over the radiator to dry where it hadn’t been last night and he’d left out some coconut body wash which Ben also hadn’t spotted before or he’d have been all over it. _Bet Honey won’t be pleased he’s nicked some of that!_ Ben smirked to himself. He tried to calm himself down, fighting the horrible internal panic that was threatening to turn into nausea. _He’ll have gone upstairs to his own bed for a proper kip - that’ll be it._

Ben walked back into the lounge and he knew he should get dressed before going upstairs but he just didn’t have it in him to wait a second longer before he checked on Jay. He legged it upstairs, only just keeping his towel covering him and opened Jay’s bedroom door.

Jay wasn’t there.

The bed hadn’t been slept in. At all. He could see that last nights clothes had been chucked in Jay’s laundry hamper and that he’d left one of his drawers open where he’d obviously rushed to put on clean clothes after his shower. Where the hell was he?

Ben quickly checked all the other rooms in the house, already knowing before he did that it was futile. Jay had clearly left the building. Ben felt sick. What had he done to him last night? Did Jay regret it that much that he couldn’t even look him in the eye anymore? Ben wanted to throw up at the thought of the damage potentially done here. He could have lost Jay forever over this. Tears clouding his eyes, Ben ran back downstairs and pulled on last nights clothes, if possible even quicker than he’d undressed himself for Jay last night. After slinging on his hoody, he grabbed his phone and left himself out of number 18, being sure to lock up after himself.

He didn’t really know where to start looking. His mouth was dry and he tried to fight off a panic attack that was threatening to collapse him in the middle of Albert Square.

 _The cafe - that’s where he’ll be!_ Ben sprinted down towards Bridge street and barrelled through the door to be greeted by Kathy, his permanently cheerful mother.

“Hello luv - rough night last night was it? What’s ‘is name then and what are you ‘aving - the usual?!”

“Not now mum. Have you seen Jay? Has he been in?!”

“Well good morning to you too! I sh...”

“MUM!”

Several diners turned around at Ben’s impatient shout and Ben knew he was going to have to get a grip of himself and fast. Kathy was looking worriedly at him now too.

“No luv he’s not been in. Ben, is everything alright?”

Ben forced a smile. He knew his mum (for all her fuck ups) really did care about him.

“Yeah, sorry mum just in a rush. Tell you about it later. Listen - if Jay does make an appearance, tell him to call me please!”

“No worries!”

He legged it back out on to Bridge Street and pulled out his phone. He contemplated calling Jay but felt a bit stalkery at the idea. _God, I am ridiculous!_ thought Ben. He decided upon sending him a message;

_Where did you get to this morning? Fancy a pint?! :-)_

He added the pint question and the smiley face so the that tone sounded less accusatory and more friendly - blokey - as maybe that’s what Jay would want to hear right now. He immediately reprimanded himself inside his head for trying to manipulate Jay. And felt sad and panicked again when only one tick instead of two appeared on the message. That meant not delivered, right?

He went on a one man mission then. He needed to find Jay - nothing else mattered at that point. He needed to see if he was okay. He checked the Pub (which was quiet as it had not long opened) and the Minute Mart. He wasn’t at either of them and nobody had seen him. Then he tried at the Car Lot, which was locked up. When Ben opened it up, he saw it was exactly how he’d left it yesterday. No sign there then. He milled about the tube station for a few minutes. Then he had the brainwave to check the funeral parlour that Jay managed - maybe he was doing some paperwork in there or something? Ben knew he was clutching at straws. Cokers was locked when he got there (as it was every Sunday) and Ben didn’t have keys so he hammered down the doors shouting for Jay, as passers by looked at him strangely. I mean Jay could be in there for all he knew, just deliberately avoiding him maybe? No - Jay wouldn’t do that, would he?

Ben was running out of ideas. He had a brainwave and headed over to The Arches. He knew Jay still had keys as Phil occasionally called on him for help fixing the odd motor if he was desperate. Jay had always been Phil’s favourite ever mechanic and to be fair, Ben knew that Jay deserved that title; he’d learned his old trade quickly after leaving school on his 16th birthday, worked hard and was polite and fair with the customers so that they trusted him and brought back repeat business. That was Jay all over though really - inherently decent and trustworthy. He knew his stuff about cars. He was efficient too - Phil had once told him that he could finish jobs with his eyes closed twice as fast as Dexter and three times quicker than Ricky ever had! He’d not been too hot at pulling off any scams though. Too honest. So Phil usually kept him in the dark when he was up to no good. 

Ben laughed to himself when he thought about previously destitute orphan Jay bouncing around Albert Square like it was now his own personal monopoly board. He owned and ran the Car Lot, was respected manager of the Funeral Parlour and even moonlighted as everyone’s favourite mechanic! Him and Ben had also talked about raising the money to buy the Queen Vic one day, managing the bar as some sort of dream-team, double act. It was hilarious really! But nobody deserved their success more than Jay did. He never bragged about it and just got on with it all, helping pull his mates up the ladder with him whenever they needed a job or a chance. Pure grafter, that boy. Ben felt the familiar warm rush of love come back and ease the panic inside him when he thought about Jay and just how much he adored him.

It didn’t last long unfortunately, flattened when Ben unlocked the doors to the Arches only to find no one inside. He’d known he wouldn’t be in there before he’d unlocked the place due to the padlock but still felt the need to check. Feeling defeated again, he had only one more place left he could check. It was unlikely that Jay would be there but stranger things had happened.

His house. Number 55.

Ben had worked up a sweat running around and to be honest, could do with another shower and some clean clothes. He could kill two birds with one stone.

Letting himself in through the back yard, he walked through to the living room and saw his dad flicking through Sky Sports.

“Alright?” said Phil gruffly “where’d you stay last night?!”

“Errrrrm - I stayed at Ian’s” Ben lied. “Listen dad, have you seen Jay? Has he been round at all?”

“Jay? Nah, not usually on a Sunday unless he knows there’s some grub on offer! Why, what’s he done now?”

“Oh nah nothing - just wanted to catch up with him about some motors we’ve got being delivered to the car lot tomorrow.” (Technically, that one wasn’t a lie).

“Lola and Lexi not round at Jay and Billy’s then? Thought that’s where you’d all be as none o’ you lot stayed round ‘ere last night!”

Ben gulped. The Lola/Lexi convo with his dad would have to wait until after he’d located them. And Jay too.

“Nah they’re at Ian’s as well. Sundee lunch, innit! Wanted Jay to come an’ all but he’s gone walkabout. Not to worry, sure he’ll show up soon. Anyway, just gonna grab a quick shower...”

Ben wondered if his dad had seen through his forced joviality as he made his way upstairs and into the bathroom before he locked the door. But then he remembered just how self absorbed Phil was and stopped himself from caring. He actually felt close to tears again. He’d had enough so he whipped out his phone. _Fuck this_ he thought to himself and scrolled down to Jay’s number in his call list. Straight to voicemail. 

_Shit._

He didn’t leave a message.


	5. Chapter 5 - Billy’s POV

“Alright kids, take your bags upstairs and unpack _before_ you get your tablets out please!”

Janet and William groaned at Honey’s instructions but duly ran upstairs and did as they were asked. They were good kids.

“Blimey Hon, we didn’t leave the place this tidy did we?l” joked Billy, scanning the room. “‘Ere - dyu think Jay had a party while we were away?”

 _He so had a party!_ Billy thought to himself. Jay was usually a messy pup, so someone was overcompensating here!

“Jay! Jay?! You in mate?”

Silence from upstairs. 

“He must have popped out Billy” mused Honey, who was in the bathroom already busily throwing used beach towels into laundry hamper. “The door was double locked after all. Maybe he’s gone out with Lola and Lexi for the day. Or is he next door? Oh and he’s been at my posh coconut bath stuff again!”

Billy chuckled to himself at the good-natured war Jay and Honey had going on around the house - he would occasionally nick her fancy lotions and potions and light all her scented candles, whereas she would help herself to all of his expensive coffee, going through it at the rate of knots. What made it funnier was that Jay, who had a very blokey, salt-of-the-earth demeanour to the outside world, secretly loved all the nice smelling, girly crap that Honey brought into the house. Only last month, he remembered coming in and and howling with laughter at the sight of Honey and a very sheepish Jay on the couch with matching pink clay face masks on whilst she was forcing him to watch a repeat of _Don’t tell the Bride_... it was hysterical! Billy teased Jay mercilessly about his covert love of pampering himself but he was warmed at the reasons behind it; Honey adored Jay and he loved her right back. She was pretty much the only maternal influence Jay had left in his life and Billy loved how close they were. He knew Jay needed - craved - these moments as he just wanted to belong. To feel part of a proper family unit. Billy and Honey saw Jay as one of their own, no two ways about it. He’d been in their lives since he was a child after all, since before Jase had died and moreso after, when Billy had fostered him. But Billy also knew that Jay had lost so many people and had been moved around so much that he was too scared to ask if they felt that way and was likely insecure that he would never fit in anywhere. The thought made Billy feel sad. For all his bravado as a kid, there had always been something so _vulnerable_ about Jay that made people want to look out for him. But he didn’t think Jay actually realised that for himself.

Just then, he heard a key turn in the lock and in walked Jay through the front door. Billy thought he looked a bit shocked to see him and more than a little shifty. _Definitely had a party then,_ thought Billy. _He looks as guilty as sin!_

“Alright?”

“Oh yeah, y’alright Bill - didn’t think you’d be back ‘til later on. You guys ‘ave a good time then?”

“Yeah it was propa lovely mate - good to get away - the kids loved it. You shoulda come with us! Honey’s auntie Caroline dun’t ‘alf bang on though!”

“Oi!” came Honey’s retort from the bathroom, where she was still sorting through the dirty washing. Billy and Jay grinned at each other.

“So er, you ‘ave anyone over for a few last night then?”

“No!” Jay said a little too quickly, his blush also giving him away.

“Listen mate, it’s your house, you can do whatcha like! Just thought it looked a little bit too tidy, that’s all! Plus, you look a bit worse for wear!” Jay’s blue eyes were a touch bloodshot, Billy noted.

“Bill there was no party, honest mate. Oh hiya Honey.”

Honey had finally walked in and greeted Jay with a warm hug, that he reciprocated and seemed overly relieved to receive.

“Where’s Lo?” Billy continued. “Thought you might be with ‘er and Lexi round at Phil’s or summink? He’s pretty lonely over there now that Sharon’s moved into the Vic. They with Ben today, then?”

Jay froze on the spot, his big eyes locked onto Billy’s for a few seconds, like a deer in headlights, clearly not knowing how to answer that question. 

“Jay? Did you hear me? Where’s Lo at? You alright mate?”

Jay was now looking away, down and to the side. He was rubbing one hand across his forehead, something Billy had clocked that he did for comfort sometimes. Still silent, his jaw was set. Billy recognised that look; Jay was really upset. In fact he was obviously trying very hard not to cry, which shocked Billy. He hadn’t seen Jay this on edge in a long time. Sure, he’d seemed a bit distracted lately, but this was different. He knew his boy. Something about his stance and the look on his face meant that Billy could tell this was more than just a row with Lola. This was serious.

He exchanged a worried glance with Honey, who was now pottering around the kitchen and was obviously thinking the same thing.

“Billy,” she said softly “why don’t you and Jay go out for a pint, yeah? So you can talk. You’ll only be getting under my feet whilst I make dinner anyway! Oh, and can you grab me some pepper whilst you’re out please?”

“Yeah alright, good shout. C’mon Jay!” Billy manoeuvred the shaken looking young man towards the door quickly but calmly, for he got the feeling that Jay might well have stayed rooted to the spot, unable to move otherwise. He could tell the lad needed some privacy and Billy had the horrible, sinking feeling that this was to do with Lola. 

He worshiped his granddaughter and her little girl. They were his family and he was proud of them. Would walk over hot coals for them both. Lola was literally the only person in Billy’s life that didn’t treat him like some big, incompetent joke. Even Honey, as much as he loved her to bits, didn’t respect him all that much. To Phil, Billy was just the runt of the Mitchell litter and everyone else on the Square took their lead from him. But not Lola. She fiercely fought his corner every time. And Billy did the same for her. He’d been over the moon when Lo returned back to Walford after living in Newcastle for the last few years and he was even more delighted when she’d rekindled her relationship with Jay. They were so good together and as he already knew and loved Jay to bits, he couldn’t have picked a more perfect bloke for Lo to be with. Even better, Lexi adored him (and vice versa). He knew Jay and Lola had always held a torch for each other since they were kids and that Jay would protect Lola and Lexi with his life if need be. He treated them like a pair of Queens. But she’d been distant lately. When she was over at the house it had been like she was there in person but her mind was God knows where else. Looking at Jay, who looked really quite disturbed, Billy had an awful feeling something bad had gone down between them.

They reached the pub but before Billy could walk through the door, he heard Jay, behind him, say quietly,

“Not here. Please. Somewhere private.”

Billy didn’t like this. Jay was clearly so shaken up he didn’t even think he could hold it together in the pub. What the hell had happened?

“Right. Okay. Gimme a minute and I’ll get some beers from the offy - we’ll go and drink ‘em down the allotments instead, ‘ow’s that sound? Looks like it’ll be hair of the dog for you, am I right?”

Jay nodded, with a tiny smile that encouraged Billy a bit. He nipped next door into the Minute Mart and saw that the Tyskie was on offer, 4 for a fiver (and it was nice, strong stuff) so he handed over a tenner and let the shop assistant bag up 8 cans of the stuff and, in typical Billy style, he left, completely forgetting the pepper that Honey had asked him to get on the way out.

They walked over to the allotments together in silence, Billy with a horrible sense of foreboding tightening in his chest as they got closer, because he knew that whatever Jay was about to tell him was unlikely to be good news. Once they got there, there were a few oldies milling about, tending to their patches, so Billy stalked over to one of the benches round the side of the sheds, out of sight and out of earshot from anyone who was there. This was obviously an agreeable compromise for Jay, as he sat himself down next to Billy, who handed him a beer. They each cracked theirs open and both took a big swig. Jay was looking down at his hands, not able to meet Billy’s eyes.

“So...” said Billy, almost not wanting to ask. “You gonna tell me what’s ‘appended then?”

Jay, eyes still trained on the beer in his hands, stayed silent for a couple of seconds, before he spoke up, in a very small voice;

“Lola’s gone, Bill.”

“Gone? Whaddya mean she’s gone? Gone where?!” Billy knew exactly what he meant and he’d kind of known it before they even sat down, but he just needed to know more.

“She’s left me Bill. Left me a note. She’s taken Lexi and they’ve moved away with Peter.”

Billy’s blood ran cold.

“Peter? What, Peter Beale?! You’re joking int ya? She wouldn’t do...”

“Well she ‘as” Jay cut him off “and she’s pregnant by him an’ all.”

Billy was rendered absolutely speechless. He had to respect the stunning self-control Jay had shown in telling him this much without breaking down, but the last sentence was obviously a bridge too far for Jay, who closed his eyes as two silent tears spilled down his cheeks. Billy knew exactly why Jay’s voice broke and why he gave way to tears at that particular statement. He knew how badly Jay wanted kids of his own. And how he’d wanted them with Lo.

They sat there silently for a few seconds, Billy mouth agape in shock and Jay working hard to compose himself, this time successfully fighting off the sobs that threatened to bring him to his knees again.

Jay continued;

“I never told ya this, but she had a one night fing wiv him about 6 months ago. When she were pregnant with my...” Jay stalled and took a deep breath before continuing “anyway, we tried to move past it - she thought we was broken up when it ‘appended. But they must ‘ave started up again. Or they just carried on the ‘ole time. I’m such a mug! She wants ‘im now Bill. They’ve moved to Leyton.” Jay was rubbing his forehead again, desperately trying not to break down.

“LEYTON?!!”

Billy was floored. And angry. _What the bleedin’ ‘ell does she think she’s playin’ at?!_ His heart filled with sadness for the poor guy sat beside him. He looked devastated to the core.

“Why didn’t ya tell me any of this before, Jay?”

“Didn’t wantcha to fink badly of Lo. Didn’t wanna come between ya both. Didn’t wanna look like a mug. Didn’t wanna lose the only family I got. That enough reasons for ya?!” Jay’s voice completely cracked at the last reason and he was openly crying now. Billy pulled him in for a hug, his own eyes wet from tears of solidarity. Jesus, how much pain did this poor guy have to go through in one lifetime? 

After hugging for a minute, they pulled apart, both wet eyed and Jay wiped his face with the sleeve of his blue hoody before staring down at his lap again. Billy gently lifted his chin up and forced him to look him in the eyes. He couldn’t bear seeing his lad look so destroyed like this.

“Now you listen to me Jay. Lola might be family but as far as I’m concerned, so are you. You’re my boy, int ya? And you will never lose us. Dyu ‘ere that? NEVER. We ain’t going anywhere and Lo? Well she’s got a lot to answer for! We’ll get you through this. I promise ya.”

Jay managed a small, grateful smile. “Cheers Bill” his face fell again. “But it ain’t just about Lo. There’s summink else...” he trailed off.

Billy’s heart dropped. _Oh God, what else?_ He wasn’t sure how much else he could take.

“What is it?” 

Silence from Jay, who was squirming a bit and obviously struggling to spit it out,

“Jay! Tell me!”

Jay’s eye contact faltered and he looked very, very anxious. He looked down at his hands again and very quietly, just above a whisper really, said;

“It’s Ben. I... I slept with Ben...”


	6. Chapter 6 - Billy’s POV (mildly explicit)

The shocked silence that hung in the air after Jay’s bombshell was punctuated by Billy’s beer can hitting the floor between his legs with a thud, where it fizzed up slightly, spraying a bit on his jeans.

“Shit!” Billy exclaimed, picking it up quickly and tossing it into the rubbish bin next to the bench. He wiped his beery hand on his thigh and looked back at Jay in absolute amazement! Surely this was some sort of joke that had flown over his head?! The fact that Jay couldn’t even look at him suggested otherwise...

“Nah, you’re ‘aving me on! You and Ben? _Ben?!_ ”

Jay nodded quietly, still looking down.

“But Jay, you’re... and he’s... well you’re not into the same things, are ya?” _Jesus, get it together!_ “I mean, he’s gay and... oh my god” a feeling of horror passed through Billy and it must have shown up on his face “You ain’t tryna tell me that he, he made ya do it, are ya! Tell me he didn’t hurt ya?!”

Jay suddenly turned to Billy with a furiously annoyed look on his face.

“No of course he didn’t! What, you really fink he’s capable of summink like that?!”

 _Nope. Made it worse._ Thought Billy, though he continued to dig his own grave...

“No, noooo - of course not. What I mean, it’s just that... well he’s been in prison ain’t he? And you know what he went through.. what them boys done to...” Billy faltered, feeling suddenly sad for Ben and looked over at Jay, who was looking absolutely heartbroken at the thought of what Ben had gone though inside. Billy knew that Jay had probably heard more details about that than anyone else had. He looked really, really gutted so Billy tried to lighten the mood.

“Ignore me, I didn’t mean nuffink like that. Okay, erm well. How did it ‘appen? When did it ‘appen? Who came on to who?” _Too many questions, you idiot!_ Billy’s mind scolded itself. “Was it, um... good?l”

“For fucks sake Bill, will you stop treatin’ this like some girly high school gossip? It’s a serious mess, is what this is!” Jay was not a happy bunny but Billy could only feel relieved to see he still had some fight left in him.

“Look, I’m sorry mate. I know my reaction ain’t been... well it’s just that this is the last thing in the world I thought you’d ever be tellin’ me. Not surprised at ‘im though. You’ve always been the one for him, you ‘ave. Ben’s always been in love with you Jay. Even Phil knows that on some level. It’s why he blows so hot and cold wi’ you both.” Billy mused.

Jay looked surprised at that. And not entirely displeased.

“But you,” Billy waffled on “you’ve always had an eye for the ladies, right from young, so I never thought you’d be into any o’ that. Not that there’s anything wrong with batting for the other team or anyfink. I mean, God knows, I’ve...”

“Will you just listen to yaself, you prat?!” Jay was laughing now.

“Aaaah, there ya go - got a laugh outta ya, didn’t I?!” Billy said, grinning.

They smiled at each other in silence for a few seconds, Jay shaking his head, before Billy said;

“So go on then, what happened.”

Jay paused for a minute, trying to think of how to word the whole alien experience. 

“Well it was last night. I was upset after findin’ the note from Lola and Ben let himself in the house and found me in a right state. So he sorted me out, gimme a hug and then, well one fing led to another, didn’t it...” It was a statement, not a question.

“Right, but who kissed who first? And what made you go through with it?”

Jay sighed. “I don’t really know Bill, to be honest. We just sorta both kissed each other really and it felt... right. Ya know? Like, I ain’t ever done nuffink like that before. But it didn’t feel bad. It felt good. Really good. In fact it felt a bit like; _why ain’t we never done this before?_ , kind of fing. Like, we’ve always been really close, ain’t we? I was reeeally drunk though!”

Billy nodded and sat there for a minute, trying to digest everything, before coming out with another clanger.

“Well, I mean at least ya didn’t cheat on Lo. I mean she’s the only one in the wrong here!”

Jay rolled his eyes and laughed again. He looked like he was surprised at himself that he even remembered how to laugh.

“What ya gonna do?” Billy continued. “I mean what has Ben said about it?”

Jay blushed. “Um, I kind of ain’t spoken to ‘im about it yet.”

“What? How come?”

“Well I ‘ad a few bits to do this mornin’ and he was still asleep. I expected to find ‘im still sparko when I got back in - you know what he’s like wiv his kip. But when I come back, you and Honey was at home and it looks as though he was long gone!”

“Oh mate, you’ve gotta ring him - you can’t leave things up in the air like that with Ben. He’s a worrier ain’t he? He’ll be going out of his mind!”

“I know I do. Me phone’s outta juice so I’ve gotta charge it up first.” Jay was getting tearful again. “You know I didn’t mean to be out the house as long as I was and I really thought he’d be there when I came back in, that’s why I was shocked when I saw you instead. Thought he’d done a runner because I done summink wrong maybe? Or he just regrets it.”

Billy snorted out a laugh, leaving Jay looking alarmed. “Mate, there is no way on this earth the Ben would ever regret gettin’ together with you! I’d say he’s been waiting for this for a very long time.”

Jay stayed quiet, looking like he was struggling to absorb what Billy was saying. Billy spoke up again, more softly this time;

“Do you wanna be wiv him Jay? What do you wanna do about Lola? She’ll be back soon I reckon - grass is never greener for long, with ‘er - I know what she’s like. And there’s no pressure from me neither - I know I’m her granddad but she’s the one who’s fucked up ‘ere. And Lexi... well she’s Ben’s daughter ain’t she. And yours too really. The three of you are gonna need to sit down and sort this out and some point, aintcha?”

“Yer I know...” said Jay glumly. “Just dunno what to say. Don’t know what I want.”

“Have you ever had feelings for blokes before, Jay?”

Jay shook his head truthfully. “Nah, I ‘aven’t. Honestly Bill, it’s not even entered me mind before last night. That’s what I can’t get me head around really. You know I ain’t homophobic Bill - don’t care if anyone’s straight or gay or whatever - each to their own. But I’ve always known meself to be straight. And now I feel like I don’t know meself no more. And it scares the hell outta me.”

Jay bent forward and rested his forehead in his hands, elbows on his knees, Billy saw his tears dripping onto the ground. Poor kid was a mess. 

Billy swallowed. He knew what he had to do. 

“Listen Jay. I’m gonna tell you summink that I’ve never, ever told anyone before. Not even Honey. But you’ve gotta promise me that you won’t tell NO ONE what I’m about to tell you. EVER. It goes no further. Swear to me?”

Jay looked up at Billy, with swollen eyes. He looked confused but nevertheless, agreed

“Okay. I swear. Goes no further. What is it?”

Billy gulped.

“Right, well you wouldn’t be the first man who thought he was straight and then fell into bed with another bloke...”

Jay’s eyes widened.

“You?!”

“Yeah me. When I was in care, in the homes. Mostly had me fun with other girls, ya know? Lost me virginity to Julie - remember Julie? Lola’s nan?”

Jay nodded, too stunned to say anything.

“Well there was this kid Trevor, my age. We was about 16 I reckon. Him and me, we used to share a room. We went on the rob one day and nicked a crate of beer bottles from a nearby pub and some’ow smuggled ‘em back into our room. Anyway, we drunk the lot and as we got more hammered, he suggested having a wankin’ contest, ya know - where you see which one of you c... anyway. So we did and before I knew it, we was doing everyfing you can think of together. The ‘ole lot!”

Jay looked absolutely gobsmacked.

“Anyway, next day we were both sick from all the booze and they thought we both musta come down with a bug until they found all the empty beer bottles and went mad. They split us up after that - we weren’t allowed to share a room no more and they moved Trevor on not long afterwards. I put it down to a one off but a few years later, on a night out, I got drunk and some geezer came onto me. Went back to his place and we fucked each other all night and dyu know what Jay? It was amazing mate. After that I really started to question meself, like you’re doin’ now. Thought I must be gay after all. But I knew I still liked the birds. And if I’m honest, as a rule I do like birds more than blokes. It weren’t just to ‘ave a family or nuffink - I just genuinely fancy birds more. I mean my Honey - well she’s a knockout, int she? Can’t believe I got so lucky! It’s taken me a long time to accept that every now and then I fancied a man. But I’m okay with it now. Well all except for the third time that is...”

Jay was suddenly snapped out of his stunned trance by Billy’s last sentence;

“What happened with your third time? They didn’t hurt ya did they?!” The deep care and concern in Jay’s voice was palpable and Billy loved him for it. Jay continued “who was it with?”

Billy gulped. He couldn’t believe he was about to say what he was. About to reveal his deepest, darkest ever secret.

_Here goes..._

“It was with Phil, Jay. Phil Mitchell.”


	7. Chapter 7 - Billy’s POV (mildly explicit)

From the look on Jay’s face, Billy regretted the words as soon as they fell out of his mouth. _Too late now_. He looked like he’d been hit in the solar plexus by an asteroid. His face was such a picture that Billy almost wanted to laugh - Jay was frozen in shock, his eyes wide, unblinking and his mouth hanging open in an almost cartoonish manner. This was what speechless really looked like.

Billy tried to gee his recovery along by being jokey,

“Betcha weren’t expecting me to say that, were ya?!”

Jay still didn’t speak but had thankfully closed his gob and was now looking to the side. He still looked stunned but also as if he was trying to work out a really hard puzzle in his head. This was semi-confirmed after what felt like the longest silence in the world, Jay finally opened his mouth again to speak;

“So, the whole Phil/homophobic thing...”

He couldn’t finish the sentence but Billy knew exactly what Jay was like with this kind of stuff. He was 10 steps ahead of where anyone else would already be and had bypassed the entire untold story (obviously not needing it) to jump straight for the conclusion - the big man’s motivations. And as per usual, Jay was spot on. _Boy’s a natural shrink_ , Billy thought to himself. But Billy knew Jay well enough to know, that his next move was going to have to be to listen to the rest and retrace his steps to see if it fit in with the theories his razor sharp mind was racing away with. Almost on cue, Jay started up again;

“Hold on: you and Phil. _PHIL_?!!!”

Billy nodded, looking a little embarrassed. He knew this was a big deal.

“What ‘appended? You said you regretted it - does that mean he made ya? I swear Bill, if he ever hurt you...” Jay’s jaw was clenched in fury and he was balling up his fists as if ready to storm round to number 55 and start laying in to Phil at that very moment.

“No, no - Jay - calm down. He didn’t ‘urt me, alright? He didn’t force me into nuffing so you don’t ‘ave to worry about that.”

And then; “Cor, we don’t think too highly o’ these Mitchell men, do we, aye?”

Jay visibly calmed. 

“So what exactly happened then?”

Billy exhaled deeply before beginning;

“It had to be about 1988 I reckon. We was in our late 20’s, I think. Drunk. Grant was back from one of his tours so him, Phil and me, well we all went out on the town and got on the gear an ‘all. Did some sniff, popped a couple’a pills. Ecstasy was getting trendy by that point and you know it makes you all lovey dovey, dunnit? Anyway, we’ve come ‘ome early hours and Grant’s called it a night soon as we got in. Bang, sparko - out. Me and Phil stayed up and had a few more drinks and we was talking. He was moaning about how he weren’t getting any, how it’d been the longest time he could remember since he’d got laid. I said it was the same for me an’ all. So, he basically asked me to suck his dick for him, to get ‘im off. I’m not gonna lie to ya Jay, I didn’t really fancy it. He’s me cousin for starters! But it’s Phil ain’t it? And you know what he’s like - I didn’t really wanna say no to ‘im. Ain’t worth the aggro is it?”

“So he did make you then?!” angry tears blazed in Jay’s eyes.

“No Jay, he didn’t make me,” Billy interrupted, sighing, “He didn’t know I weren’t too happy about it as I never said nuffink. How was he meanta know I weren’t up for it if I just went along with it? Ain’t a psychic, is he?! Anyway, we was both off our faces and horny, so I done it and he finished off and all that. And then he really shocked the shit outta me because he got down on his knees and started giving _me_ a blowy an’ all! Me! Phil Mitchell _THE Phil Mitchell_ was down there sucking me off! Couldn’t fuckin’ believe it Jay! And he swallowed every drop!”

“Thanks for that visual Bill, I actually feel a bit sick now” Jay quipped, screwing up his nose, “I mean, he might be your type but he definitely ain’t mine! What ‘appened then?”

“My type? You’re joking int ya?” Billy looked incredulous, “He avoided me for weeks after that. Didn’t want nuffink to do wi’me. I mean I weren’t gonna say nuffing to no one, was I? You’re the first - the only person I’ve ever told about this. I trust you, Jay. An’ I felt like you needed to hear about this right now.”

Jay looked a little choked up at the privilege. He put his hand on Billy’s shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze. Billy continued;

“After a month or so, I finally saw Phil, drunk as usual and I got brave and decided to try an’ talk to ‘im about it, clear the air. Stupid move that was - he punched me square in the mouth and walked off. But I ain’t never seen so much fear in Phil’s eyes ya know, before or since. Never. Later that night, he comes up to me - he’s even more ‘ammered by that point - and he twists one o’me arms up behind my back - fuckin’ ‘urt, it did. Then he whispers in me ear; _I dunno what sick things you THINK happened in your head, but they didn’t happen, alright?_ And I pretty much got the message after that. Never spoke of it again and after some time, we got back on better terms. But you know how quickly Phil can turn, dun’t ya Jay. I think all that has got summink to do wi’ it.”

Billy looked at Jay tentatively, who was sat there quietly trying to take it all in and wearing a softer version of his working-out-a-puzzle face. Billy needed to break the silence again,

“So now you know.”

Jay’s pensive look waned as it seemed he got it all worked out,

“Well this is all pretty mental. On one hand I can’t believe it but on the other hand it does explain a LOT. I mean, the way Phil reacted when Ben came out the first time, he pushed ‘im straight back in the closet again! He still ain’t got his ‘ead round Ben being gay even now, I don’t fink. And Ben doesn’t know about any of this?”

“No Jay,” Billy shouted, panic in his voice, “And you can’t tell him neither! You know what he’s like - he won’t be able to stop ‘imself from throwing it in Phil’s face, after everyfink he’s put ‘im through. And if this gets out, then we’re all dead meat!”

Jay nodded as he conceded that Billy had a good point there.

“Bill, I won’t tell him, I promise ya. I won’t tell anyone, anyfink. You can trust me wiv this and I’ll take it to me grave for ya. I just hope yer alright though? I mean this is big stuff, innit?”

Billy smiled fondly at the good-hearted lad in front of him, knowing that he’d keep to his word. He suddenly felt glad it was Jay he’d unburdened his secret to. In fact, now that he thought about it, Billy had told Jay more of his secrets than he’d ever told anyone. Jay knew more about him than anyone did - even Honey. He’d told him about the beatings he’d suffered in care - stuff he’d always bottled up from everyone else. And he’d told him about his past dealing and taking drugs - he’d laid that one on him, when Jay was doing the same thing a few years back. And now he’d told him his deepest, darkest secret of all.

“Sorry if I’ve give you a shock, boy. Didn’t wanna give you more to worry about but just thought it’d ‘elp if you knew I could relate t’ya. To know what yer goin’ through. I’m glad you felt ya could tell me all this straight away though - few years back an’ you’da been stewin’ on this for weeks or months on yer own. You know I’m always ‘ere for ya, right?”

His close relationship with Jay had been a battle hard won. Jay had been a defensive, defiant, angry kid when Billy first took him in but it was to be expected; Jay having been orphaned so young and at that point grieving his dad’s murder. He was just a terrified young boy putting on a front, really - he’d always been all heart underneath. Billy felt he owed Jay a home - he’d been there when Jase was killed and hadn’t helped him, too frozen in fear to do anything. When Jay found this out after 9 whole months of already living with Billy, he had been furious at the betrayal. But after Billy had finally showed some bottle by saving Jay from the gang who killed his dad (getting himself beaten in the process) and then testifying in court so that Terry Bates, the ringleader, was sent down for life, Jay actually forgave him really quite quickly. Billy liked to think it was because actually they’d mostly enjoyed living together in that time and had built up a nice bond that Jay - who was otherwise alone in the world - didn’t want to lose. He hoped that was why, anyway. 

Oh they’d let each other down over the years. Billy had hit him once, something that sent Jay running off in Phil’s direction, who he lived with for the next few years. Billy had also gotten Jay arrested before as well, he and Phil both grassing him up for one of Ben’s crimes in an attempt to stop him running away up north with Lola - a plan that failed miserably as Lola went anyway, leaving Jay languishing in Walford on tag, hating them all. And it wasn’t like Jay had never brought trouble to Billy’s door either. He’d let Billy down too, stealing from him and Honey when he was in the thick of his drug addiction, dealers on his tail. But they’d come through it all and were stronger for it. For every time they’d messed up, there were a million more times where they’d helped each other out and had the other’s back. They had history - real, proper history. Their bond was strong and they really did love each other dearly. Billy looked over once more at the young man next to him and felt his heart warm up again. They were more than just friends or housemates - Billy saw him as a son and because Jay had always been such a fundamentally decent kid, Billy trusted him with his life.

“Bill, I’ve been thinking,” Jay startled Billy out of his own thoughts, “do you reckon Phil ever did stuff with anyone else or just wiv you?”

“Don’t know mate, to be honest wiv ya. Seemed like a one off but you just never really know people do ya?”

“Ain’t that the truth!” Jay chuckled, “but Phil, well I mean he’s ‘ad plenty of birds ain’t he - how many times ‘as he been married? And you’ve had plenty of birds and even I’ve had a few. But if we’ve been with men an’ all, what does that make us now, aye? Bisexual?”

“I dunno Jay. Does it matter? Why dyu wanna put a label on it anyway? You’re young - yer just a kid - just enjoy life whilst it’s all still workin’ down there!”

“It ain’t that. And anyway, I’m not a kid, am I? I’m bleedin’ 26 next month! Not really young any more!”

“You are compared to me!” Billy joked.

“It’s just that, you’d fink I woulda known about all this by now. Known about this part of meself. But I didn’t. And I still don’t. I’ve only ever ‘ad girlfriends and never even looked at annuver bloke. And I feel like I don’t know where me head is at or what the hell I want or who I even am anymore!” Jay’s voice was wobbling and he was starting to get upset again, “an’ I hate feelin’ like this Bill, ‘cause I know it don’t matter, really, what anyone is or does in the bedroom. I’ve never minded when it was about anyone else. So why am I so bovvered now it’s me? I’ll accept whatever I am, right, an’ I ain’t got a problem wiv that. But I just can’t get me head around the fact that I didn’t even know until now! Feel really stupid.”

He was trying not to cry again. Billy put a comforting hand on Jay’s shoulder.

“Aaaah Jay, you shouldn’t feel stupid mate. Like you say, it don’t really matter when it comes down to it. I doubt you’re the latest bloomer in the world! But look, if you wanna give yaself a label or if it helps you to work fings out, then I can give you a little test if ya like?”

“A test? What are you on about?”

“Right, well. You’ve always liked the ladies, ‘aven’t ya? An’ as of last night, you’ve only been wiv one bloke. ‘Ave a good fink. How many birds have you slept wiv?”

“Not nearly enough!” laughed Jay.

“Go on!”

Jay sat and counted in his head. It didn’t take long and he already knew the answer anyway.

“Six. Only six. Bloody ‘ell, that’s pathetic!”

“Well you were wiv some of ‘em for years Jay, an’ you ain’t really the cheatin’ type - bit of a one-woman man you are, so give yerself a break - it ain’t a contest!”

Jay thought about it; “well Abi was me first love. And we was together like, 3 an arf years or so. And she made me wait for it an’ all! Then after we split up, I was havin’ feelin’s for Lola and we slept together a few times before she left for Newcastle. There was a big dry spell after Lo left and there was the ‘ole mess wiv Linzi/Star - thank God nuffink ever ‘appended wiv ‘er. But I didn’t wanna go near anyone for a while after that nightmare. Then I ‘ad a few flings but they never went nowhere and to be honest, I don’t fink me performance was up to much wiv them! And then there was Ruby. Really felt for her, I did and I fink she liked me too. Thought we ‘ad summink but I dunno if she ever really saw me as long term, now I look back. Lo came back last year and we started up again. And now all this wiv Ben. So that’s all really, yer up to date.”

Billy thought for a moment. Listening to Jay speak, he thought he might have worked it all out. 

“So you said you was better in the sack when you was in a relationship, right?”

“Right. Definitely. Me hearts not really inta one night stands. I’d never turn one down, mind you!”

“Well then you’ve just worked it out yaself, aintcha boy? You’re only happy havin’ sex with people you love or ‘ave feelin’s for. Now so far that’s only been wiv women. But last night, well you musta had some feelin’s for Ben.”

Jay looked astonished.

“Wait, so you’re sayin’ that I can only go to bed wiv someone if I love ‘em?”

“That’s exactly what I’m sayin’. You loved Abi and Lola and you was fallin’ for Ruby too until Lo came back. That why fings carried on wiv them - why they was more successful. And you love Ben an’ all, dun’t ya?”

Jay looked down and nodded softly. Billy continued,

“So in your case Jay, I don’t fink it matters what private bits they got. I fink with you, you can only go there if you actually love ‘em. Or have very strong feelin’s at least.”

Billy looked at Jay who was sitting in stunned silence, trying hard to absorb this new bit of information. He didn’t look as though he disagreed. In fact he looked as though it was all falling into place. _I love it when I’m right,_ thought Billy. 

Billy cracked on, “Right, well let’s test attraction then. See if you’re a big gay forever now you’ve slept wiv Ben. I’m JOKING!” Billy sniggered when Jay shot him a worried look. “What about that crackin’ new bird who Sharon’s got workin’ in the pub now? You know the one - blondie, nice teeth - GREAT rack! Would ya sleep wiv ‘er if you got the chance?”

Jay’s eyes lit up slightly because he’d actually been the one to point the girl out to Billy last month, “Oh yeah, she’s well fit!”

“Looks as if you still like birds as well then Jayboy! What about Lola, if she was ‘ere? And NO DETAILS please, she’s still me granddaughter!”

“I fink she’s a bit busy with the Big not-so-Friendly Giant at the moment, Bill,” Jay spat resentfully, before softening and adding sadly, “but yeah - I loved it wi’ Lo.”

“Alright then, what about blokes? That new barman at the Albert, Shane I fink his name is, with all the muscles? He’s gay - would you wanna hook up wiv ‘im?”

“No not really,” said Jay truthfully.

“Must just be Ben then, Jay...”

They looked at each other. Clarity hung in the air.

“Right, come on then!” Billy stood up.

“Where we going now?”

“Home Jay. You’ve got a phone call to make. And so have I. Lo’s gonna get a piece of my mind!”


	8. Chapter 8 - Jay’s POV (strongly explicit)

As soon as he was back through the door of number 18, Jay tore straight up the staircase before anyone could see him and headed straight into his bedroom, locking the door behind him. His head was banging and he didn’t know how much of it was the alcohol from last night, how much was from all the crying and how much was from the sheer amount of shocking things he’d learnt - and done - in the last 24 hours. He felt like his heart might give out at any moment as well - this was all too much.

On the walk back from the allotments, Jay had made Billy swear on his life that he wouldn’t tell Honey, or indeed anyone else about what had happened with Ben. At least not yet, not before they’d sorted things out. Billy had also kindly offered to fill Honey in on the Lola situation - an offer that Jay gladly took him up on so that he didn’t have to go over it all again. When they’d gotten in, he’d briefly smelt the reassuring aroma of one of Honey’s giant Shepherd’s Pies from the freezer, warming up in the oven. Normally he’d be all over it - Honey was an ace cook, and despite her own issues with food, she had demanded that she take over most of the cooking. Jay was more than alright with that as he knew he wasn’t the best chef in the world and Billy, God help him, was even worse. Although it did mean they were constantly on washing up duty instead.

But today, Jay didn’t feel like eating a thing - he was too stressed. He knew Honey would save him some for later. Plus he didn’t want to upset Janet and William, lest he break down again if they asked about Lola or Lexi over dinner. That wouldn’t have been fair on any of them. Jay felt seriously fragile - he hated not being able to control his own emotions like this. 

He stood by the door for a minute, trying to eavesdrop on what Billy was telling Honey, slightly worried that he might slip up about Ben. He couldn’t make out what the muffled voices were saying, until he heard Honey raise her voice with a shrill “How could she _do_ this to him?!” before he heard Billy shush her and they went back to talking quietly again. Jay felt a rush of love for them both. He knew they didn’t have to take his side - especially since Lola was family - proper, blood family. But it was good to know that they cared about him too. 

He gave up listening and walked over to his bedside table, where his charger was plugged into his tablet. He pulled the charger out and plugged in his dead mobile instead. Since the tablet was now fully charged, he decided to make good use of it whilst his phone juiced up.

Jay kicked off his Nike’s and flopped down onto his double bed. His head was so full of stuff - mad stuff. All that had happened, all he’d found out. _Lola. Ben. Billy. PHIL!_ Really, he wanted to go to sleep for a week and wake up to find out it had all been some bizarre dream. Or nightmare. The last 24 hours had been the stuff of both! But what was churning him up the most at the minute, was that fact that his whole identity and all his ideas of who he thought he was, had been shattered into dust. He needed to find out what he was now - now that everything had changed.

After setting the search engine on his tablet to private, and plugging in his headphones, he typed something into the search bar that he’d never thought to type before. He slightly hesitated before he clicked return on the words; _gay porn._ He didn’t even know exactly what he was looking for, just clicked on the first website and followed a couple of links. The first video showed a skinny young man sucking off an older gent. It didn’t look particularly interesting or enticing so Jay clicked on a video on the sidebar, of two muscular men having anal sex. He watched as one pumped the other ferociously and listened to their grunts and moans go straight through him via his headphones. He rubbed his crotch through his jeans waiting for some sort of reaction but other than a slight twitch, it was clear that the video wasn’t doing it for him at all. Maybe he wasn’t gay then?

Jay wasn’t really a voracious user of porn, preferring to use his memories and fantasies as fuel for his alone-time. But there were a couple of straight and lesbian vids that really got him going. So he typed in his go-to porn site and had a quick look for one of his favourite clips - a guy servicing two women, a blonde and a redhead, both with curves for days and, who were also playing with each other. He loved this video usually and his cock certainly reacted a little better this time, it was starting to go spongy as he rubbed it over the denim. But still, it didn’t feel like he was getting turned on as quickly as he normally would. _I must just be hanging from last night_ , his brain tried to convince itself. If in doubt, blame the booze. But Jay wasn’t ready to give up just yet. He needed to know what was going on with himself.

Jay pulled his headphones out of his ears and abandoned the tablet on the bed next to him. He unzipped his flies, pulled his t-shirt up and shifted his skinny jeans down slightly before rubbing himself over the blue fabric of his boxers, willing himself to get hard. He closed his eyes decided to go on a tour of the memories in his head.

He thought about his first time with Abi, the memories blurred around the edges by time but still sweet and unforgettable and imprinted on Jay’s mind for eternity. He remembered her beautiful, chubby curves and how he’d almost cum just from touching her breasts, rubbing his thumbs over the pink nipples of her white globes. And how she’d been so wet for him when he moved his hand down to her private’s and rubbed her until she came, moaning his name. And how he couldn’t believe this was finally happening as he slid into her for the first time, _his_ first time, as well as hers. He couldn’t have lasted more than a minute really but he could have sworn he saw stars when he came. He remembered how he held her in his arms afterwards, feeling so much love for her, that his then 18 year old eager dick was up and ready for more so soon after. So they did it a second time and that was even better. And many more times on many different days just like the first. Even though it had ended years prior, he had missed her more, not less with the passage of time since her premature death. She had been the first to make him realise the most empirical thing he knew of himself; Jay Brown was a love-maker from the get-go...

 _This is more like it!_ Jay was starting to get properly hard now. He slid his hand under the elastic of his boxers and grabbed his stiffening cock, giving it a few swift pumps to try and bring it to full hardness.

He turned his thoughts to Lola and how varied their nights in bed together would be. She could be really naughty when she was up for it - the first woman to let him in her forbidden back entrance. Jay started to stroke himself in earnest as he flashed through his many memories of fucking Lola, bending her over the sofa and pounding her until they both came at the same time, or the times he went down on her, licking her shaved sex and sucking on her little nub whilst simultaneously pumping two fingers in and out of her. A few times, as he curled his fingers up, he’d made her juices fly from her and he didn’t know if that was his party trick or hers but they had both loved it. He’d even nicknamed Lola _“Thames Water”_ as a little in-joke, which had caused roars of laughter from Ben, once said joke had stopped flying over his head! He lived for going down on Lo - could have done it for hours and she was always remarking about his generosity in the bedroom when she’d had a few too many wines. Even in the pub once, late last year in front of the whole bar, causing a few cheers from the lads and a pat on the back from Mick Carter (and a knowing smile and wink from his wife Linda)! He’d blushed at the time but it was never a bad thing to have a good reputation in the sack. Another memory of Lola riding him, her tight body and beautiful tiny tits bouncing up and down was bizarrely interrupted with a flash of Ruby doing the same thing to him and how incredibly sexy she had looked when she loudly cried out _“I’m cumming”_ as he felt her warm wetness engulf his cock before unloading himself inside her. 

He was getting exceptionally turned on now. Jay was starting to leak his own fluids which was making it all too easy for his hand to slide up and down his shaft and he knew he was edging closer, his balls tightening with anticipation...

Back to Lola... He tried to think about the numerous times he’d made love to her, instead of just fucking her hard, but he suddenly felt a cold chill run over his body and a painful stabbing in his chest which was enough to make him open his eyes and stop jerking at himself. He couldn’t fight the thoughts of Peter making love to Lola instead of him, him kissing her, his giant hands pawing at the beautiful body of his woman. Tears of helpless rage burned his eyes. _No,_ he thought. _Block it out_. But there was no way he was going to be able to think about sex with Lo right now. It was too raw.

Jay was still rock hard though. He wasn’t going to give this up as a bad job. Besides, he’d got this far only thinking of the women in his life and the gay porn had done nothing for him, so that just left one more thing...

 _Ben._

But Jay had been lying to himself. For every sexy memory of a woman he’d just been beating himself off to, had been interwoven with flashes of him screwing Ben last night, thoughts that he’d kept trying to bat away. No doubt the ladies were still turning him on and it felt like a relief to know that that was still the case - that the old, straight Jay hadn’t entirely left the building. And that he still knew what he liked. It’s just that he’d found a new thing he also liked. Loved.

Ben was going to make him cum. Again.

Jay closed his eyes and worked his right hand up and down his almost painfully hard shaft. He flashed back to last night, when he was kissing Ben as their hard pricks rubbed together - the electricity in the air foretelling what was about to happen next. How good it felt with Ben’s hot mouth on his sex leaving Jay feeling like he could barely breath. The moment he first entered Ben, a vision - and a sensation - that would never leave him. How incredibly sexy his brunette boy had looked whilst he was riding his cock and the moans escaping them both. And the moment Jay had turned Ben on his back and pumped him until he could no longer handle it, exploding inside him whilst at the same time, jacking the cream out of his beautiful friend. He recalled Ben crying out his name as he came and it finally pushed him over the edge.

Jay came hard, the white hot heat in his groin travelling forth and shooting out ropes of his own cream all over his tight body. He bit down on his left hand to muffle the cry that escaped from his mouth as he lost it, right hand still moving up and down on his spasaming organ, pleasure hitting him in waves.

As the bliss subsided and his breathing regulated, Jay realised two things; the first being that his headache had faded with his orgasm and that he felt a little better already. Something about the fact that he still fancied women relieved him. Not because he was homophobic or against being gay, but because he had been terrified that he’d woken up this morning a completely different person from the one he was yesterday. And in a sense this was entirely true - he _was_ a different person now. But at least now he knew it wasn’t as extreme of a change to cope with as he’d first feared. There was still all of the old Jay underneath. He was still who he was and his experience with Ben hadn’t taken anything away. In fact it had only added more. And that could never be a bad thing.

His second realisation, was that Billy may have been right. Jay couldn’t imagine himself being attracted to any other man at all, only Ben. And if Bill’s theory held true, then that might well mean that he was in love with Ben on some level. It seemed so simple now, when he thought about it.

_So I must be in love with Ben._

Jay felt equal parts excited and full of dread at this realisation. This was heavy stuff - Ben was his best mate, his brother. Oh God - had what they had done been wrong? I mean, they weren’t blood or anything. So why did he feel so guilty? Jay didn’t know what to make of any of this - it was all completely crazy! As was the bombshell information that Billy had dropped on him today. All of it, swirling around in his head, not letting up for a second, making him feel nuts. He felt suddenly very tired, so before he made the mistake of passing out, he made himself sit up and reached over to his nightstand again, taking a pack of wet wipes out of the top drawer and cleaning up the mess he’d made of himself. He’d need another shower later.

After replacing the wipes, he picked up his only partly charged phone to see if he’d had any missed calls whilst it had been off.

There was one from Ben. And a text message from him too:

_Where did you get to this morning? Fancy a pint?! :-)_

Jays heart flipped, yet at the same time, his stomach also sank. Shit. He’d been so wrapped up in his own world today that he hadn’t properly taken into account how crappy Ben must be feeling right now. He was probably thinking to himself that Jay was avoiding him, that he regretted things - that everything was ruined. Jay had initially been worried that Ben might feel that way too until his talk with Billy. And it was now almost 4pm, so Ben’s call and text had been left unanswered for hours. _Jesus, some mate I am!_ He mentally bollocked himself, before the the thought crossed his mind about how weird the word ‘mate’ sounded now. How it didn’t quite sound... enough.

Jay couldn’t leave it like this. His pushed down all his fears and with his heart in his mouth, he called Ben.

It rang out. Straight to voicemail.

_Shit._

He didn’t leave a message.


	9. Chapter 9 - Jay’s POV

Chapter 9 - Jay’s POV

Jay felt very awkward as he emerged from his room and tentatively made his way downstairs. They had obviously finished up their Sunday lunch as Honey had already cleared the table and the washing up was waiting for him or Billy in the sink. Jay decided it was his turn to do it, even if it wasn’t - anything to keep his mind calm for 10 minutes. And help poor Honey out a bit.

Janet and William were already back upstairs, chilling on their tablets and Billy, well he couldn’t see any sign of him. But Honey was sitting on the couch watching _The Crown_ on Netflix. She turned around, hearing Jay’s footsteps on the stairs and paused her show once she saw him. They looked at each other for a few seconds and Jay could see Honey’s sympathy for him, in her big blue eyes. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it or not.

“You must be hungry?” she said, sweetly.

“S’pose I am a bit peckish,” Jay thought out loud. It couldn’t hurt to eat something, even he didn’t overly fancy it.

“You’ll need to keep your strength up,” it was as if Honey thought he was recovering from the flu or something. Jay looked at the floor, downcast and then shyly looked up again to observe as the woman in front of him stood up and changed tacks, reverting from nurse Honey to mother hen Honey. 

“Oh Jay, I’m so sorry about what’s happened!” She walked over to Jay and threw her arms around him, giving him the warmest hug, which Jay fell into gratefully. She smelled lovely and Jay wanted to bury his head in her collarbone and cry his eyes out again as if he was a child and she was his mum. He managed to keep himself from breaking down until his mind turned to thoughts of his own mum, a distant, blurry memory of her hugging him after he’d fallen off a wall and hurt himself as a really young kid - maybe four, five years old - and he was filled with a painful, yearning desolation at how much he wanted her back. And his dad too. What he wouldn’t give to have them both hug him like that again, one more time. To feel that _safe_ one more time. And that’s when the tears came.

He fought like a warrior to compose himself quickly this time, wiping his eyes and face with his sleeve as they both pulled back from the hug. He could see that Honey was teary too. She was wonderful. He was lucky to have her and Billy in his life and he knew it. And they must have been worried, not just for him but for Lola too, and Lexi and their own kids. Lola’s selfishness had changed the dynamic for all of them. Jay had a flash of guilt spear through his mind; _and me and Ben might have an’ all._

“Where’s Bill got to?”

“Oh he’s nipped down the club - Ruby called him to see if he was back as there’s been a bit of a leak or something,” Honey was visibly annoyed, “I mean, can’t he even just finish the last day of his annual leave in peace? Besides, I don’t know what she thinks Billy can do about it, I mean it’s not like he’s one of the Mario brothers!”

Jay cracked up laughing, “didn’t know you were so knowledgable on all fings Nintendo!” he quipped.

“Come and sit down on the sofa, I’ve saved you some dinner and you can eat it on a tray if you want?” Honey gently ordered him.

“Honey you’re an angel, ya know that?”

She beamed at him as she set the microwave to warm up his plate of Shepherd’s Pie and peas. “It’s only from the freezer you know - nothing special!”

“Hon, anyfink you make for dinner is special, I’d live off chips if it weren’t for you - you’re the only reason I get me 5 a day, I reckon!”

Honey laughed. Jay continued, the joke over.

“What about you? Did you eat already and did ya sit with Bill for your timed period after? You know if ya need to use your code word then I can stop eatin’ and sit wiv ya for a bit, right?”

Honey broke eye contact with Jay and looked to the side, a little guiltily. Jay was worried that she’d been purging again.

“Hon?” Jay continued, his voice now even softer and full of concern, “if you’ve ‘ad a blip then it’s okay ya know - you can talk to me - I’ll ‘elp ya wiv it...”

“No, I did okay today, honestly Jay. I had my portion and then I sat with Billy, well until he had to go out anyway. I waited for the urge to pass. I did okay today, I promise. I just feel so guilty that you all have to live your life like this because of me. It’s not fair on any of you.” Honey spoke with such sincerity and emotion in her voice that Jay knew she was telling the truth.

“Come ‘ere,” he said after standing up and giving her another hug. “You ain’t got nuffin’ to feel guilty about - you do so much for the rest of us that this is a tiny price to pay. We’ll do whatever it takes to make sure ya stay well, Honey.”

“I should be the one looking after you today, not the other way around!” Honey joked tearily. Jay’s heart went out to her - she looked so tired of it all. “I guess it’s just hard to get used to the fact that it might be like this forever, that I might never be able to stop myself at least thinking about doing it, even if I’m on top of it right now, I just want the intrusive thoughts to stop and leave me alone.”

Jay reckoned he sort of knew how she felt there...

...After he’d finished eating, Jay got stuck into the washing up and was glad that his mind went into auto-pilot whilst he did. Thinking of nothing very much at all, too tired to concentrate on much else other than the pattern round the edges of the plates he was rinsing. Job done, he dried his hands and flopped down onto the couch next to Honey, who had gone back to watching _The Crown_. He tried to get into it but instead his mind started buzzing again, thinking of all the insanity of the past 24 hours. In particular, he couldn’t stop thinking about Ben. He also felt a bit weird sitting on the sofa, in the very same place where he’d had sex with his best friend only last night and he briefly felt worried that Honey might be able to see through him and work it out. He knew he was being silly though, _she’d probably chuck the couch out the front and set fire to it in the middle of the square if she really knew!_ He had to stifle a snigger at that one. _Ben..._ He checked his mobile to see if Ben had seen his missed call and rang him back yet but there was nothing. After another two minutes of trying to tune out all the mess filling up his head, he checked it again, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Honey.

“She will call eventually Jay, you know. Silly girl. She’s got herself in a right mess hasn’t she? I shouldn’t be saying this but I always thought you were too good for her. She’s too capricious. Don’t tell Billy I said that as she is his granddaughter at the end of the day. I just worry about you that’s all. Billy reckons I’ll be the same with William - too overprotective...”

Jay gave a small smile at Honey’s rambling and let her keep believing her misunderstanding of the situation. He felt tired and heavy after eating and his mind being in complete overdrive for so long had left him feeling completely worn out. _The Crown_ was either boring or he wasn’t in the mindset to take it in properly as the voices started to lull in his ears and his eyes started to drop. And before he knew it, exhaustion had taken over his body completely and he, once again, fell asleep on the sofa.


	10. Chapter 10 - Ben’s POV

Ben opened his blurry eyes and gave himself a few seconds to take in his surroundings and work out where he was. He was in his bedroom. _Shit, I must have fallen asleep!_ He wasn’t wrong. For the second time in 24 hours, Ben had crashed out on a bed in just a towel. What was it about a hot shower that always made him so tired? _Maybe it wasn’t just the shower_ , he thought to himself, a vision of he and Jay hotly making love last night, flashing across his mind.

_Jay!_

He leapt up quickly and grabbed his phone to check it. _Yes!_ A missed call from Jay! He _was_ alright then! He had called him back and was finally ready to talk. Ben quickly reattached his cochlear implant and felt a bit giddy all of a sudden, relieved; his heart already lighter just from seeing Jay’s name on the screen. He was nervous, but excited-nervous as he rang Jay back, his heart thudding in his chest as he heard the familiar click of the handset being answered after four or five rings. Ben jumped straight in, not giving Jay a chance to speak first...

“You’re alive then? Been tryna get hold of ya for ages!” He hadn’t meant to sound so reprimanding and sarcastic but he hoped that the _double entendre_ hadn’t flown over Jay’s head. Ben never could stop himself.

“Hi Ben,” wait, this wasn’t Jay? Unless Jay had suddenly turned into a woman...

“It’s Honey” the female voice continued quietly, her voice just above a whisper, “I’ve just picked up his phone because he’s actually asleep on the settee next to me at the moment!” 

_Was he there the whole time this morning and I’m just going even blinder than I was before?_ Ben thought to himself, feeling perplexed, which was followed by a naughty smirk when he had another, raunchier thought; _that boy definitely has a thing for that sofa!_

“Oh y’alright Honey? So he can’t talk at the moment then?” Ben knew that sounded dopey, he was just disappointed. He really wanted to talk to Jay now.

“I didn’t want to wake him up,” Honey carried on in her stage whisper, “he’s had a really rough day and I think he really needs the sleep, bless him. I’m sure he’ll fill you in later on what’s been going on though.”

 _I already know Honey, you donut. If only you did!_ Ben thought, ungraciously.

“Don’t worry. Just tell ‘im to call me as soon as, please Honey. It’s urgent - erm, stuff for work.”

“I will do, no problem.”

“Alright, cheers Honey, I’ll talk to ya later.”

“No worries. See you Ben!”

Ben threw his mobile handset back on the bed in defeat. For God’s sake - why was it proving so impossible to talk to Jay? He told himself that if he hadn’t heard back in the next couple of hours, he would just go round and knock at the door, as this was getting silly. A paranoid wave came over him; _what if they all know and what if he’s told them all to keep me away?_ Ben pushed the thoughts back down and told himself he was just being stupid - Honey had sounded her normal, neutral self and it was clear that she was referring to the whole Lola situation. 

_Lola!_

Crap. He needed to sort this out now. 

Ben quickly raided his drawers and chucked on some socks, a pair of charcoal joggers and a ratty old green t-shirt, not even bothering with any underwear. It was Sunday evening so not much point in getting properly dressed. His eyes were a bit sore from where he had fallen asleep in his contacts last night (with all that had happened), so he didn’t bother to put in a new pair of his dailies and instead put on his glasses. He was going for all out slobby and he just didn’t care. 

He picked up his phone again and swiped down to Lola’s number, which he proceeded to call. It rang out and went straight to voicemail and Ben just _knew_ she had probably seen his name flash up on her phone screen and deliberately ignored it out of panic. He knew her too well. He didn’t leave a voicemail but decided instead to text her. He was trying to think of how to stay calm and word it when all he wanted to write was, _bring me my daughter back NOW, you cheating bitch!_ But he must have been mellowing as he aged because he stopped himself - he knew that would get him nowhere. If Jay were here, he would have told him to stay diplomatic, even with him being the victim of all this. He smiled at the thought of Jay, who was always as blunt as a spoon but calm and charming enough that he got away with it. Not like Ben with his hair-trigger temper that always seemed to rile everyone else up even more.

He hadn’t even typed in the first word when he heard his dad calling from downstairs,

“Ben?!”

“What?”

“Thought you were meanta be goin’ Ian’s? You’ll have missed yer dinner by now!”

Ben looked at the time on his phone. Jesus, it was 20 past 5pm already. The day was rapidly disappearing and so far he hadn’t managed to speak to Jay or Lola yet. And he had to be in work tomorrow. This was a nightmare! Reluctantly, Ben decided it was high time he asked for some help. And there was only one person he knew that’d be able to get things sorted quickly: Phil.

Ben sloped downstairs, already regretting asking his old man before he even had but not having any idea what else to do at this point. He wouldn’t tell him about what happened with Jay. _I’ll probably never be able to tell him about Jay_ , he thought to himself, sadly. But it was time to come clean about what was going on with Lola. Phil would almost certainly have a few tricks up his sleeve.

“Dad...”

“You said you were havin’ dinner round at Ian’s, what ‘appened? Fall asleep did ya?”

“Yeah I did as it goes. Listen, dad...”

“Beale won’t be ‘appy with you!” Phil chuckled, never one to miss an opportunity to gloat at Ian. Ian was just as bad regarding Phil.

“Dad. I was never gonna ‘ave dinner round at Ian’s, alright? I just said that to buy some time!”

Phil eyed him suspiciously and made a face that Ben knew full well, meant; _and now the rest of that story, please._ Only Phil would never actually have said please. Ben continued;

“Lola’s left. She’s left Jay and run off with Peter. She’s havin’ his kid. And they’ve got Lexi wiv ‘em. They’ve gone somewhere in Leyton. She ain’t picking up her phone and Lexi’s due back at school, Tuesday.”

Phil digested the information quietly for a few seconds, the only thing betraying his internal rage was the vein sticking out of his neck that looked fit to burst.

“Leyton? Well that ain’t the ends of the earth, is it?”

“Dad, come on!”

“What I mean is,” interrupted Phil, “is that she can move there with that lanky tosser if she wants but she’s still gotta get her arse on a bus and get Lexi back to school, ‘int she?”

“Well yeah, but...”

“Oh lemme guess - she reckons she’s puttin’ her in a new school over there when she’s gets a place, aye? Well that ain’t gonna ‘appen, I can tell ya that now. She ain’t settin’ up home with a Beale when Lexi’s got a perfectly good home here - a _Mitchell_ home. If Lola wants to do one, then she can do what she likes, but Lexi stays HERE.”

Ben didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that. He knew his dad would make good on his word and it relieved him that Lexi would likely be back soon. But he was so done with all the rows and the posturing and the surname wars. Why did it always have to be so personal all the time? Phil suddenly spoke again, but in a much softer tone of voice,

“How’s Jay doin’?” Phil actually looked genuinely cut-up for Jay, which surprised Ben a little. It was always difficult to gauge Phil’s real feelings towards Jay as they tended to tip the scales at the extreme ends. One minute Jay would be _persona non grata_ and Phil wouldn’t speak to him for months, the next minute he couldn’t speak higher and would go above and beyond for him or bung him expensive gifts out of nowhere. _Like the Car Lot land_. Ben had to admit that one would always rankle somewhat.

“He’s in absolute bits, dad.” Ben was surprised to hear his own voice wobble with emotion a bit as he flashed back to finding the absolutely devastated Jay at home the night before. “He found out yesterday, so I stayed over there with him last night - that’s where I was. He’d had a lot to drink. She left ‘im a note.” Ben decided it was definitely best to leave out any other details...

Phil nodded, gravely. One good thing about Phil was that he never seemed surprised by other people’s shitty behaviour - probably because he had a thousand ways that he’d topped it himself. He did look really sorry for Jay though, Ben thought. He could tell his dad was likely thinking the same thing as he was; an upset Jay was awful for even the hardest hearts to witness. Probably because Jay was so intrinsically _decent_ and life had dealt him such a rough hand of cards already, so it was unfair that he just never seemed to catch a break for very long, compared with the happiness he deserved. The Mitchells may have closed ranks on the non-bloods before, but all of them knew they were lucky to have Jay’s loyalty. He was deep in the family secrets and they knew it, and even when they weren’t keeping him sweet, he’d still never breathed a word. He was also their voice of reason, the moral compass they lacked. And Ben knew his dad respected - possibly even admired Jay for his inherent ability to know _exactly_ when and where to draw the line. He was almost as fascinated by it as he was annoyed. Phil likely did love Jay, in his own twisted way.

“You was lookin’ for him ‘ere earlier and now you’re sayin’ you’d stayed there last night?” Phil looked confused, trying to fit the pieces together.

Ben gulped, “yeah, he err, he went out this morning when I woke up and I got a bit worried, went on a bit of a hunt for ‘im. But I’ve spoke to Honey just now and he’s back now and asleep. Still dunno where he went yet.”

 _Please don’t let that have given the game away_.

Phil nodded, again, seemingly satisfied with the answer and Ben relaxed slightly. Both men were thoughtful for a while.

“Pass us me phone,” said Phil, as he gestured towards the table he’d left it on, clearly too lazy to get out of his armchair and get it himself. Ben couldn’t be bothered to argue and handed it over, watching as his dad scrolled through his call list. He held the phone his ear for some time with no movement. Lola must be blanking him too. 

“Lola!” Phil growled into the voicemail message, “now you listen ta me. I don’t care what kinda trouble you’re in but Lexi is Ben’s kid as well, not just yours and you ain’t got the right to just take her out of ‘er home and ‘er school. Dyu ‘ear me? You don’t get to do that. So lemme tell you right now what you _are_ gonna do. You’re gonna get her back ‘ere to this house by tomorrow. And we’re gonna ‘ave a little chat. Because if you don’t, I’ll be makin’ a call to social services and I’m sure you don’t want that lot gettin’ involved again after the last time, right? Do ya? Aye?! You got 24 hours from now.”

 _Yep,_ thought Ben, _that oughta do it..._


	11. Chapter 11 - Jay’s POV (mildly explicit)

Jay woke with a start, not really for any reason. He had been dreaming but he couldn’t quite remember what about, the visions quickly fading from his exhausted mind with every blurry blink as he became accustomed to his surroundings. Realising he’d knocked out on the couch again, he looked over to his left and saw that Honey wasn’t there. Where she had disappeared to became clear right away, as he could hear her lecturing William upstairs. She was telling him off for failing to mention until now that his school shoes were a bit small and bemoaning the fact that they’d have to go out last-minute shopping tomorrow for some more. Jay smiled to himself; Will and Janet were such great kids and he still couldn’t believe they were both teenagers now (well nearly, in Will’s case). Best behaved teenagers he’d ever met, in any case. Jay had a brief flashback to how much of a tearaway _he’d_ been as a teen and how he’d really only started to sort himself out once Billy took over his care (despite running a good few rings around him first of course)! He smiled again - Billy and Honey were great parents - much better than they knew.

Jay wondered how long he’d been down for and looked for his phone, which he could have sworn he’d left on the arm of the couch next to him before he fell asleep, so he was confused to see it on the coffee table instead. _Ben..._ Jay felt deflated when he couldn’t see any missed calls or texts on the lock screen. _Where is he? Maybe I’ve upset him?_ Jay felt uneasy, worried that he’d pissed Ben off enough to drive him away. He also noted it was 10 past 6pm already, and although the sun hadn’t set, looking outside his bay window he could see that Albert Square had a distinctly Sunday evening feel to it. The weather was still fine and Jay decided he wanted to go for a walk. _Fuck it, I’m gonna go round his house, see if he’s in._

Just as he got up from the couch to stretch himself out, Honey came gliding down the stairs.

“Oh Jay, you’re up!” She exclaimed, stating the obvious.

“Yeah, sorry about that - didn’t mean to fall asleep. ‘ow long was I down for?”

“Oh don’t be silly, it wasn’t for that long. By the way, Ben phoned whilst you were asleep - something about work? I’d said you’d ring him back when you woke up - didn’t want to wake you myself, you looked like you needed the rest!”

Honey’s mention that she’d spoken to Ben stopped Jay in his tracks, frozen in panic. Almost fearfully paranoid for a split second that she might know more than she was letting on. He realised he must have looked like a deer in headlights when Honey’s smile faded to a look of concern,

“Jay, are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. Sorry.” Jay snapped back into semi-normality, wishing his facial expressions wouldn’t always betray him so much. He was so tired and shell-shocked today that he knew his reactions were slower than usual. “Sorry Hon, I’m just a bit dozy, I’ve only just woke up. I was gonna nip round to Ben’s now actually. Need anyfink whilst I’m out?”

“No don’t worry - Billy will be back soon anyway, they just had to wait for the emergency on-call plumber. You go on!”

“Alright sweet, I’ll catch ya in a bit!”

And with that, Jay grabbed his phone and wallet off the table, completely forgetting his keys and dived out the door of number 18, into the warm September air. He immediately unlocked his phone and started scrolling through it, finding the confirmation of Ben’s phone-call with Honey. How annoying that they’d kept missing each other’s calls! 

55 Victoria Road was a stone’s throw from Jay’s place - literally a 10 second walk and Jay knew he shouldn’t wait a minute longer after all the faff. But he couldn’t bring himself to turn left and walk towards the back yard of the house he used to live in just a few years ago. A house with so many memories, good and bad. The house that he’d spent much of his teens and early 20’s in and out of. And the house he’d grown up in with Ben, the boy he had called his brother...

Jay felt almost paralysed with discontent and it was all he could manage to walk to the centre of the square and find a bench to sit down on. His legs didn’t seem up to the job of holding him upright today, let alone walking very far. Jay was filled with self-loathing as his stomach started to turn over, the gravity of last night suddenly hitting him like a ten-ton truck.

_I’m sick in the head. He’s like my brother! Aint he?_

This was too much. Not only had he fucked a man for the first time, but he’d fucked a man who was as good as his brother. Okay they weren’t blood, but they’d often called themselves that. _How did the brother thing even start anyway?_ He thought to himself. He vaguely remembered Ricky suggesting to him at work once, maybe around a decade back, that Ben needed a big brother figure to keep him on the straight and narrow. And Phil, several times had asked Jay to protect Ben, usually from bullies - _like a big brother should do._ Phil had probably wanted Ben to have someone close to him like he’d had in his own brother, Grant. Jay for his part, had always been content to call Ben his best friend, and that’s how he mostly saw him. But they were living together in the same family set up - sharing a room, sharing “parental figures” (if you could call them that). They were certainly living similarly to brothers, anyway. And it had been Ben, most of all, that had pushed for the brother thing, despite some initial resentment when he came back from juvy to find Jay all pally with his dad. Jay had just gone along with it, not thinking much of it. Why would he have? He’d never envisioned this scenario.

Ben had always said that their friendship was deeper than most, that they had a stronger bond. _Just like brothers_. And Jay knew this to be true. They could read each other like books. Both had spoken of feeling the other’s pain from afar sometimes, or knowing something was wrong with the other before finding out for sure later on. _I wonder if that’s why he came over last night?_ That shit was usually reserved for twins, wasn’t it? He remembered how he’d known straight away that Ben had lost more of his hearing after the boat crash, and then all of it completely not long before he had his op. And he recalled the time that Ben had worked out he was using drugs and had developed a problem, long before anyone else knew. Even Billy. He’d never experienced the almost psychic level of knowing someone as well as he knew Ben. And now he knew him intimately as well, it almost felt like it had always been leading to this one day. _But why would he call me a brother if he felt more?_ Jay wondered when exactly it was that Ben’s feelings had changed from seeing him as almost family to seeing him as someone he wanted sexually. Was Billy right, that Ben had always wanted him? _He can’t have?_ Though thinking back, he remembered Ben had tried to kiss him once, years ago. Jay’s bewilderment was starting to give him a bit of a headache but his guilt was starting to abate a bit now when he thought more about the Mitchells and how they’d always sailed close to the edge.

After all, Lexi had been the product of an experiment, a test of sexuality - a one-off between a very confused Ben and Lola, who must have been his second or third cousin or something. _Wouldn’t that make Lexi her own cousin, then?_ Jay had no idea how it all worked with the family tree but even he could see that it was a bit off. And even worse was what Billy had told him about Phil earlier. He just couldn’t get his head round that. Phil?! They were cousins as well. _Maybe I ain’t the only wrongun?_ He thought. _Maybe they’re all sickos an’ all?_

Jay felt bizarrely comforted by the fact that none of the Mitchells seemed all that bothered by the blurred lines. And that maybe, what he and Ben had done wasn’t all that unacceptable by their standards after all. It wasn’t incest, he knew that. Jay was no-one to them all really - just some stray mutt they’d picked up and decided to keep because they felt sorry for him. He also reminded himself that when he’d been dating Abi, her older sister Lauren had been screwing their first cousin Joey. And none of the Brannings had batted an eyelid either, really. Jay remembered how resentful he’d felt back then, after the hard time Abi’s dad Max had given him for dating his daughter compared with how relaxed he was about Lauren’s situation later on. So it wasn’t just the Mitchells. Maybe people just wouldn’t care? Maybe they all preferred _“keeping it in the family”_ so to speak, because they didn’t trust outsiders? Outsiders like Jay was and always had been. It had always been a bit confusing for Jay anyway. He had been equal parts Billy and Phil’s foster son at various different times and whilst they’d wanted him to play the brother role to Ben, they’d also both heavily encouraged his relationship with Lola, Billy’s actual granddaughter, that he had _also_ fostered from care. _So she’s like me foster-sister an’ all, then?_ He publicly laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all and because he’d never actually realised that before. But he knew even if he ever had to throw that one back in their faces, people would possibly have a little more trouble coming to terms with the idea of him and Ben. Billy was clearly fine about it. Honey and Kathy probably would be too, after some talking at least. But Phil likely never would be. And not really because of all the so-called sibling stuff. 

_Why am I even thinkin’ like this was more than just a one-off anyway? We can’t go there again. It’s too messy. No one else need know._

Jay was surprised at the painful jolt he felt stab him through the heart at the thought of not ever being with Ben again. Not ever kissing him again and not ever touching him again. He felt cold all over. How could they ever go back to the way they were now? And then it dawned on Jay that he really, really didn’t want it to. He wanted what came next. And he wasn’t even so worried now about the technicalities of it all, the so-called brotherly bond they shared. He was much more scared of losing Ben at all, in any capacity. He didn’t think he could ever cope with that. It’d kill him. It was utterly ridiculous to him that just 24 hours ago he’d been broken in half over Lo leaving him and now all he wanted to do, was walk through the back yard of number 55, go upstairs to Ben’s room and just lie curled up in his arms.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

Jay was still trying to wrap his head around who he was now. He suddenly wasn’t the 100% straight man he was the day before yesterday. But he didn’t feel like he was really gay or bisexual either. The thought of having sex with any other man but Ben didn’t appeal at all. It was just Ben he wanted.

But he wanted Lola too. At least he thought he did. And he already missed her. This was painfully confusing. He fought back the lump in his throat at all he had lost. He’d lost who he’d thought was the love of his life, his future, his chances of having a family - a child of his own. And Lexi. Especially Lexi.

_Lexi..._

Jesus, how could Lo have done this to her. And to Ben as well? He must be so worried! Jay felt ashamed of his selfishness - he’d been sitting there feeling sorry for himself when all along, Ben was probably doing his nut over his daughter, not even thinking about Jay! And too right - Lexi was more important than any of this. Getting her back here was more important. All her family and friends were here, her teachers, her dance classes, her DADS - everything. And Lexi would be missing them all. Lola had always been a good mother to Lexi but she’d really let her down on this one. Jay realised he probably hadn’t been the only one crying almost non-stop since yesterday - Lexi probably had as well, poor kid. He loved her to bits - she was the best parts of both her parents for sure.

_I need to talk to Ben. I need to help him bring them back._

That much was clear now. But he couldn’t bring himself to walk over to the house. He didn’t think he could handle dealing with Phil on top of everything else - especially after Billy’s _unbelievable_ revelations earlier. But he badly needed to sort this out with Ben, the urgency making his head hurt. He swiped through his phone again and hit call. After three rings, a deep warmth spread through him as he _finally_ heard the familiar voice he’d been missing all day.

“Hey,”

“Hey...”

Jay suddenly felt nervous, dizzy - breathless. All ideas of brave practicality - of trying to come up with a plan - vanished, as it once again dawned on him how big - how _real_ this all was. And the person on the other end of the phone was too special to him to mess this up. He didn’t have a clue what to say next. Thank God for Ben...

“So, did you enjoy your kip then?”

Jay wondered if Ben could hear him smiling down the phone.

“Needed it. Are you at home on yer own or is Phil there?”

“Yeah dad’s ‘ere. I take it your place is busier than King’s Cross at the moment then?”

“Yeah summink like that! I was, um, well I was hopin’ we could, um, well look... I’m out on the square at the minute and I thought maybe we could go somewhere else? And ‘ave a chat? Wiv none of them lot around. Maybe?”

“What about the Car Lot?”

“Yeah perfect! And bring a few cans if you got any?”

“Nah ain’t got any in the house ‘cause of dad, ‘ave we...”

“S’alright, we don’t need it,” Jay briefly thought about running back into his gaff and grabbing a few bottles of beer from his own fridge but he couldn’t be bothered to answer any questions from those at home.

“Actually, I tell a lie - Sharon had a box of them tutti-fruity Koppaberg cider fings hidden in a bag under the stairs and I reckon she mighta left ‘em in there when she moved out. Shall I bring some if I find ‘em?”

“Yeah go on then. I don’t mind them actually.” Jay couldn’t believe the amount of small talk and skirting around the issue they were doing. He wasn’t sure how much more of it he could take until Ben read his mind,

“Jay...”

“Yeah?”

“Where were you this morning? Where did you go?”

“I’ll explain everyfink when I see ya. Promise.”

“Okay. I’ll be 5 minutes. Meet you there, yeah?”

“Nice one. See you in 5!”

It was only once the call had rang off and Jay was making his way over to the Car Lot, that he twigged; he hadn’t felt the urge to call Ben _bruv_ or _mate_ out of habit at all. The words sounded alien now and he wondered if Ben felt the same way and who or what they’d be to each other going forward...


	12. Chapter 12 - Jay’s POV (strongly explicit)

In the minute it took him to reach the Car Lot, Jay had reached into his pocket and realised that he’d left his keys at home, so couldn’t open up and would have to stand outside waiting for Ben like a lemon. And Ben’s idea of 5 minutes was more like 10 or 15. _Wonder if he was even properly dressed when I spoke to him?_ Jay sat on the steps to the portacabin and started scrolling through his phone, mainly browsing through his social media apps, as he hadn’t checked them in a few days. He could rarely be bothered with them as it was anymore, but boredom got the better of him. He scrolled down for a bit and stopped on one picture, taken in November last year. _Nearly a year ago now, wow!_ It was of him, Lola, Lexi and Ben all cuddled up and making silly faces on the sofa at number 55. _We all look so happy_. Jay and Lola were loved up and Ben had been with Callum at that point as well, although he wasn’t in the photo. Things had been on the up last year - what the hell had happened to make them fall apart so badly since then? He felt a wave of sadness crash over him, threatening to bring more tears with it, judging by the lump rising in his throat. _That was meant to be my family_. He clicked his phone off, unable to bear looking at memories of a happier time, before everything had got messed up. And the reminder that yet another chance of the family unit he so desperately yearned for had slipped through his fingers.

Jay quickly pulled his thumb and forefinger over his eyes to wipe the tears before they spilled. A few blurry blinks and he looked up into the distance, where he saw a familiar swagger heading towards him. _Ben_. The sight of him made Jay’s heart skip a beat. He felt relieved and nervous all at once. A bit like the feeling he’d gotten when he got lost in a department store as a kid with his mum and nan, years before they died. He’d been lost for a good 20 mins/ half hour before they all finally spotted each other. They were both livid and he knew he was in for one hell of a rollicking for making them worry. But at the same time, the _relief_ that he hadn’t lost them forever (at least not yet). That he was going to be _safe again_. 

That’s how Ben made him feel. Nervous, yes. He was in new territory with Ben now, and Ben was not known for keeping a lid on any situation really. But that familiar relief was the closest thing Jay had to a feeling of home. _Ben_ felt like home. His only constant. The boy he had grown up with. The man he could tell anything too and who he knew would always understand. Who’d keep his secrets and drop everything in a heartbeat to help him if he was in trouble. And who had chosen only _him_ to stay in touch with whilst in prison and only _him_ to confide in about the true state of his hearing. _Ben_ was his home, his family. His _found_ family. Made. Chosen. He wasn’t his brother, he never had been really. They were more than that. They were more like soulmates.

 _Soulmates_. The word stayed glued onto Jay’s consciousness as he locked eyes with the man finally standing in front of him. He was wearing his specs today, a few strands of his brown hair (badly needing a trim), flopping over the rims matching the 2-day stubble he hadn’t bothered to shave off. He was also wearing clothes you’d be happy to do the decorating in. Although he was scruffy, Jay thought he looked cute. Adorable, even. _Jesus, am I actually eyein’ up a man?_ He’d never looked at a bloke so closely. But this was different. It was Ben. And he was just noticing him so much more than he ever had. They held each other’s gaze for a few seconds and Jay _thought_ he briefly saw some nerves flicker through Ben’s blue eyes too. But Ben was far too full of bravado to have let that stop him. 

“What you doin’ out ‘ere then?”

“Forgot me keys, didn’t I?!” 

“You narna!”

“I was finkin’ more like a lemon, but clearly I’m some sort of fruit!”

With that, the pair of them dissolved into hysterical laughter, ice well and truly broken. Ben was laughing so much that he collapsed onto the steps next to Jay, grabbing onto his shoulder for support. All the built up nerves and tension evaporated into thin air, whilst the pair creased. _This is more like it!_ Jay felt completely comfortable again for the first time all day. Like even if for only a minute, everything was okay again. Like he and Ben would get through this, whatever happened next. He was also quite proud of himself as he hadn’t thought he’d had it in him to be quick witted today. Plus, he knew Ben would appreciate that one.

“Aaaah,” Ben sighed, coming to from his laughing fit and lifting his glasses slightly to wipe tears of mirth from the corners of his eyes, “some sorta fruit - you joker! That was a goodun, that was!”

Jay grinned at him, unable to hide the fondness from his eyes. His heart swelled for the man next to him. _Shit. Maybe Billy was right?_

Ben stood up, glass bottles clinking in the plastic bag he was holding as he did so.

“Oh, so ya found ‘em then?” Jay said, nodding towards the bag.

“Yeah didn’t think Sharon would be back for ‘em, now that she’s got plenty at the pub!”

“Still can’t get me head around the fact that she’s runnin’ the gaff now! How’s Phil doin’?”

“Plotting summink I reckon. He’s too calm about it all now and I heard him talkin’ ‘bout it on the phone to Max the other day.”

“What, Max Branning? Since when were they besties?”

“That’s what I mean. It’s well suss.” Ben opened the door to the car lot and Jay followed him inside. He paced a bit before leaning up against the wall, too antsy to sit down whilst Ben perched his backside on the edge of the table next to Jay. He got out two bottles of cider and opened them with the bottle opener on his key ring before handing one over to Jay, each giving the others bottle a quick clink.

“Cheers! Anyway, enough about all that. Are you ever gonna tell me why you done a runner on me this morning?”

Jay looked at Ben and saw the sadness in his eyes and felt the guilt pummel at his heart. _I knew it. He thinks I regret last night._

“It weren’t like that Ben,” he said softly, “I was only next door.”

“Next door? What, at Patrick’s?” Ben looked confused.

“Yep.”

“Right. You wanna elaborate?”

Jay sighed. “Okay, so after, um, last night. Well I woke up on the sofa and you weren’t there. I musta woke up about 6-summink in the morning and I couldn’t get back to sleep. So I got up and went for a shower, got dressed and had a clear up. At first I thought you mighta gone upstairs to my room for a kip but I found ya crashed out on Billy’s bed. Didn’t wanna wake ya.”

Jay continued;

“So I milled about a bit, hopin’ you’d wake up on yer own before I left but you didn’t. Know what your like wiv yer lay-ins, dun’t I?! So I went next door - just before 9am I fink it was.”

“Yeah but _why_?” Ben was still perplexed.

“Well yeah, I was gonna get to that! See, Denise was visiting Libby this weekend and I know Patrick’s mostly okay after he had that stroke a few years back, but he’s getting on a bit ain’t he? He’s in his 80’s now and Denise always asks me to check in on ‘im whenever she needs to be gone overnight. So I just go over there and cook him a fry-up, clean up for him, put the bins out - that kinda stuff. Sometimes I get him some shoppin’ in. We ‘ave a chat and play a few games of cards or whatever. Or watch a bit of footy or horse racing if I’m there later on in the day, but I was there early this morning so we didn’t today.” Jay smiled to himself as he spoke, “He loves a flutter on the ‘orses! I helped him download a bettin’ app on that smartphone Denise got ‘im but I ain’t holdin’ out much hope that he knows how to use it. I did try me best!”

Ben was looking at him funny. Jay felt the guilt hit him further but carried on;

“Anyway, I didn’t expect to be as long I was in there. Didn’t get out until gone lunchtime and me phone battery had died ‘cause I fell asleep before chargin’ it last night.” Jay felt the blush burning at his cheeks just at the reference of last night, “To be honest I was a bit para that he mighta heard...well, ya know. But I fink his hearin’s goin’ a bit, thank God! But I’m sorry I took so long. I really thought you’d still be sparko on the bed when I got in but I came back to Billy and Honey havin’ come ‘ome early instead and you’d gone!”

“Jay...”

“I am sorry alright. I shoulda left a note or summink. Didn’t fink I’d be that long.”

“Jay, it’s fine, stop stressin’!” Ben was looking at him far more kindly than Jay felt he deserved. Ben sounded a little hoarse when he spoke up again. “How often do you go and help out next door then?”

“I dunno - every couplea weeks or so? Why? I mean it’s usually me - occasionally Honey pops over but she’s ‘ad a lot on. I don’t mind. Patrick’s been good to me over the years - he took me in when I had nowhere to go. After... Least I can do though innit. And he’s a good laugh, is Patrick. He’s a bit like me granddad. More of a granddad to me that Bert ever was! What? Why ya lookin’ at me like that?!”

Jay felt the anxiety start building again in the pit of his stomach at the odd look Ben was giving him. It wasn’t often that Ben was lost for words but he seemed to be for now. He tried to trace back to see if he’d said anything off, when Ben finally piped up. He spoke softly and Jay thought he sounded almost...choked up?

“I can’t believe I never knew this about you. I can’t believe you never told me you help Patrick out?”

“I’m sure I musta mentioned it before - ‘ave I not? Anyway, it ain’t a big deal...”

“Yes it is,” by now, Ben was stood closer to Jay, staring deeply and intently into his eyes. “You’re a good man Jay, you know that? The best. The very best.”

Jay felt his breath catch in his throat as Ben moved his hand up to stroke his face gently, both pairs of blue eyes locked into each other’s gaze - a gaze filled with affection, respect - _love_. And he knew what was coming next; he knew what would happen if he looked down at Ben’s lips but he couldn’t have stopped himself even if a firing squad had threatened him not to. 

It was Ben who leaned in for the kiss. Jay felt frozen where he stood but he knew that he could never have stopped it. He wouldn’t have wanted to. Soft, tender - just their lips pressing together at first, closed eyes and snatched little kisses until Jay reached his hands up to cup Ben around the back of his head and neck and Ben responded by kissing him more urgently, passionately. And Jay suddenly felt full of fire. He ran one of his hands down Ben’s body, heading slowly towards his crotch and before he reached it, he could feel his own hardness straining against his tight jeans. Ben was already ahead of him and Jay felt him run his index finger up the denim seam of his flies, tracing the bulge of his erection. Jay felt so incredibly turned on that he let out a small gasp at the sensation and slipped a sweaty, fumbling hand under the waistband of Ben’s joggers, realising with zero surprise that Ben had neglected to put on any underwear and feeling Ben moan into his mouth as Jay gripped hold of his warm, hard meat.

Ben had made short work of unzipping Jay’s flies and had pulled his jeans and boxers open enough to release his aching member. Both of them still kissing and breathing heavily into each other’s mouths, they started to masturbate each other in unison. Jay, no longer emboldened by alcohol and having only ever handled his own cock before last night, felt slightly shy at first, for he knew he must seem amateur at this as he tugged away at Ben’s girthy piece. Especially in comparison to Ben, who was stroking Jay’s big, pulsing shaft so expertly that he knew he wouldn’t last very much longer. But if Jay was clumsy at this, Ben didn’t seem to mind - in fact his dick seemed to get even harder as his kisses intensified, moaning into Jay’s lips.

As Jay broke the kiss, he looked lustfully at Ben, thinking to himself how fucking _hot_ Ben looked, eyes closed and biting at his bottom lip as he tried not to lose it. Jay couldn’t believe the new light he was seeing his friend in and almost couldn’t breath in awe at the alien but wonderful development taking place. How had they never done this to each other before last night? And why did it feel so right, so _perfect_? Jay continued to jack him off with one hand whilst pulling Ben’s head towards his own, with his other hand cupping around the the base of Ben’s hairline. Both boys stood with their foreheads pressed together - eyes closed in pleasure as they worked each other’s cocks, the heat in the room rising at the increased pace and urgency of their strokes.

Jay could hear himself moaning softly as the feeling started to ache in his groin and he knew he couldn’t hold out. _I’m gonna embarrass meself_ , was his last coherent thought before he cried out, hips bucking and hot, white liquid overflowing from his throbbing piece, covering the skilful hand of the man who had brought him there. He knew he’d been too quick. But Ben was just seconds behind him as he came hard with a growl, his body jerking into Jay’s hand, coating it with his sticky seed. Jay almost wished he hadn’t been so lost in the moment with his own pleasure so that he could have taken in more of what Ben looked like as he climaxed. But what he did catch, heightened his satisfaction so much more. Ben looked so incredibly raw and so, so sexy.

Both men stayed stationary for a minute as they came down from the high of their orgasms, heads still pressed together, breathing heavily and hands still stroking each others sticky, softening cocks, but slowly now. Jay had made a mess of his jeans and the floor as well as Ben’s hand, whereas Ben’s cock had barely made it out of his joggers and had left him with a huge wet patch where he’d shot up the front of his T-shirt and some had fallen on his crotch. Jay recovered first and felt beyond compelled to give his friend another kiss, so overwhelmed with feelings was he for the man who had just brought him to orgasm. It was a beautiful, tender kiss and Ben responded back for a few seconds, neither man seeming to want to move apart but knowing they had to clean themselves up.

They broke away at the same time. Ben’s guilty steel-blue eyes bored right into Jay’s soul as he said; “I’m sorry. I just can’t stop myself from touching you.”

“Who said I wanted you to stop?” Jay smiled at Ben, hoping he looked at least a little sultry despite the mess they’d both made everywhere. “Bottom draw by the way” Jay nodded towards the desk that Ben was already searching the top of. He knew he was looking for the packet of wet wipes that was routinely kept close to hand - the Car Lot hut had seen a _LOT_ of action over the years and certainly in the last 16 months since Jay and Ben had been running it, possibly more than ever. Perhaps even moreso than when the notoriously rampant Branning Brothers had been in charge! With all the privacy issues at home, Jay was forever locking himself and Lola in after work for a quickie and he knew that Ben and Callum had been at it in here a fair few times as well, including a very amusing incident that Ben had relayed back involving Jay’s desk! Jay had stocked up on wet wipes and Dettol spray after hearing that story, which had had everyone in fits of laughter. A grim thought wiped the smile out of Jay’s mind; Peter had been putting in some shifts at the car lot and even though he’d quit, it was highly likely that he and Lola probably had sex in here too. The image in his mind sent him cold all over.

His face must have given him away as Ben passed him a handful of wipes to clean himself up,

“What’s the matter? Regretting it already?”

“No not at all. Just finkin’, that’s all.”

“You’re finkin’ about Lo, aintcha?” Why did Ben always have the ability to read his mind?

Jay looked at Ben silently and knew there was no point in lying to him. Or even saying anything at all really. He then looked down as he wiped up his mess. Feeling insanely guilty for ruining the moment and obviously upsetting Ben in the process, judging by the hurt look in his eyes once he’d realised that Jay’s silence confirmed what he thought. And he hated himself for it. _Why did I have to fink of her, for_? He did up his flies, dumped the sticky wipes in the waste paper bin on top of Ben’s and flopped down onto the sofa, putting his head in his hands. He heard Ben speak up again, clearly desperately trying to shield the emotion he was feeling but the slightly petulant wobble in his voice betraying him;

“Look Jay, if you don’t want this - us - to ‘appen, then...”

“It ain’t like that Ben,” Jay interrupted him, not able to bear hearing the rest. “It’s just a mess, that’s all. Yesterday mornin’ I had it all. Right? I had a lovely missus who I thought was gonna be me wife in the future, a beautiful stepdaughter that I was hopin’ to make into a big sister one day - I was buildin’ a family, ya know? And in just over 24 hours, I’ve lost it all - EVERYFING - to that lanky prick Lurch, who - by the way - has probably been doggin’ _her_ out in ‘ere, right where I’m sat. And he gets to ‘ave her baby, not me. They get to ‘ave a family, not me. He’s stole me life, ain’t he? I’ve found out fings that ‘ave knocked me sideways. And now I’ve had sex wiv me best mate - a bloke - _twice_ now! First time I’ve ever been wiv a man. I don’t even know who the ‘ell I am anymore!” 

Jay couldn’t stop the pain and anger from rising in his voice. He didn’t want to be taking this all out on Ben but he was the only other one in the room and the ranting continued,

“I’m sorry. But me head is totally mashed. I can’t fink straight. I don’t even know what’s ‘appened to me life. I’ve lost everyfink but suddenly I’m fallin’ for you overnight. Can’t get you outta me head, can I? I don’t even get what’s happenin’ ‘ere. What’s happenin’ to ME. It’s too much. Honestly Ben, I can’t ‘andle any o’this - it’s _TOO MUCH!_ ” 

Jay hadn’t realised he was hurtling towards a panic attack until the words stopped tumbling out and he noticed he was shaking with adrenaline and couldn’t regulate his breathing properly. Ben was already there, kneeling in front of where he sat, one hand on his knee, the other hand supporting the base of Jay’s head, gently pulling his forehead forward to touch his own and reapeating the mantra; “Okay, it’s okay. Just breath. Keep breathing.”

Jay closed his eyes and slowly calmed himself down, just about nipping the dizziness in the bud as he regained control of his breathing again. He couldn’t even remember the contents of his rant just a minute before, just knew that everything had gotten on top of him. Thanks to Ben, he’d managed to avoid a full blown anxiety attack and as the volatility churning inside him gave way to calm, and his eyesight started to refocus, he managed to glimpse his friend quickly wiping a couple of tears off his face with the back of his hand. _Oh no._ He’d made Ben cry.

“Ben, I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I just said or what ‘appened. Did I say summink bad? Please don’t be upset.” Ben was still knelt in front of him so Jay reached his hand up to cup one of Ben’s cheeks with affection. Ben leant into his hand and held it in place with his own hand before he replied,

“Just hate seein’ you like this Jay. That’s all. What all of this is doin’ to ya and then I come along and make it worse for ya. Wreck ya head more when you least needed it. Just selfish, int I? I knew summink was wrong before I even come to see ya last night, just ‘ad a weird feeling. But still I’ve made it worse. What kinda mate am I, aye?”

“You’re more than a mate Ben. Much, much more.” Jay gazed at Ben with soft eyes and kissed his forehead, his heart swelling for the beautiful man in front of him. He didn’t know what they were anymore. All he knew was that he couldn’t do without him. Not ever. He kissed Ben again, on the lips and then planted another kiss on his cheek before pulling him in for a hug. He had to admit to himself that he never felt more at home than he did when he and Ben were in each other’s arms. How Ben was the only person he trusted to make everything alright.

Ben pulled away first and obviously felt compelled to change the mood in the room with a joke, “don’t think we can call ourselves brothers no more though! Not unless we move to Alabama or somewhere that’s cool with all that sorta stuff!”

Jay laughed and agreed, “yeah probably best we knock the bruv fing on the ‘ead now, aye? Be a bit weird to say it now! We ain’t brothers anyway though. We’re family but we ain’t blood.”

Ben’s face fell again slightly before he spoke.

“Look. I’m not gonna lie. I’m standing ‘ere badly wantin’ to ask you what exactly we are now and what ‘appens next. And I know we need to talk about that. But not yet. Because I’m bein’ selfish aint I? There’s more important fings to fink of first. Like Lexi...”

Jay felt his stomach drop. It wasn’t Ben who was the selfish one. He could hear the guilt strangling his own voice.

“You’re right. But you ain’t the selfish one Ben. I wanted to meet ya to talk about how to get Lexi back ‘ere in the first place and all I’ve done is talk about meself. Put meself first.” Jay’s cheeks burned with shame. “I’m sorry - we need to fink of summink. Lo ain’t gonna pick up the phone to me right now though is she? So how we gonna find ‘em?”

Jay could see Ben looking at him funnily again. Was that _guilt_ written across his face as well? 

“Look Jay,” he began, “you should know right. I’ve told me dad everything...”

Jay froze to the spot and felt as though he might pass out. _Phil knows?!_


	13. Chapter 13 - Ben’s POV (mildly explicit)

Seeing the horror in Jay’s face made Ben realise he’d been misunderstood straight away. Jay thought he’d told Phil about the two of them instead of the just the Lola situation. _As if I would._

“No... I didn’t mean...I didn’t tell ‘im about us! I just meant he knows about everyfing wiv Lo, that’s all!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

An awkward silence hung in the air, probably only briefly but for Ben it felt longer. Finally the terrifying question that he wanted to ask but was sure he didn’t want the answer too, burst out anyway. It’s was not Ben’s style to be able to contain his emotions for very long. Not when it came to matters of the heart.

“Are you ashamed of this - us? Do you wish it had never ‘appened?”

Ben regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. The indignant hurt in Jay’s face was enough to tell him he’d offended him.

“Don’t be daft,” Jay’s tone was softer and more sympathetic than Ben had expected. “I ain’t ashamed. No way. Just a bit confused. And a mess. But also kinda blown away. Me life’s chaos right now, innit?”

Ben could never understand how all the shrinks and head-doctors he’d seen in prison had failed to diagnose him with some sort of bi-polar or something, for just one simple sentence from Jay had lifted him from abject gloom into soaring euphoria. Jay’s words from when he was freaking out before, whirred around in Ben’s head;

_Suddenly I’m fallin’ for you overnight._

_Can’t stop finkin’ about you an’ me._

_You’re more than a mate Ben. Much, much more._

_Kinda blown away._

He knew he was being selective; hearing what he wanted to hear. But he needed to hang his hope on something. And Jay had given him just that. He loved this man so much - it was so glaringly obvious to Ben now that Jay was his _ONE_. Ben could barely dare to believe that Jay might hopefully one day feel the same way about him too. But he couldn’t do his life without Jay. He never had been able to and never would, especially not after this.

“Sorry if I’ve made you feel bad Ben. That’s the last thing I wanna do,” Jay’s apology was leaden with remorse. “I don’t ‘ave a clue what I’m doin’ from one minute to the next, this has been the maddest day of me life, to be honest. All this has been so sudden, ya know? And I just need a bit of time to get me head together. We’ve got so much to sort out but like you said, the biggest problem on our hands is that we ain’t got a clue where Lo’s taken Lexi...”

Ben felt himself snap back into business-as-usual mode, biting down on the panic he felt, worried that Jay was just pretending he didn’t regret what had happened between them and wouldn’t want anything more to do with Ben if Lola was still an option. 

“Right, well me dad _might_ have threatened her on ‘er voicemail with ringing the social if she don’t come back by tomorra.” Ben said shamefacedly. He knew Jay wouldn’t agree with that, no matter what Lola had done. And he was right, Jay was livid. 

“What? That’s bang out of order Ben! She can’t ‘ave them lot sniffin’ around her again - you know what ‘appened last time, dun’t ya? Whatever’s she’s done do you really want Lexi taken away from her mum? Or you for that matter - you don’t exactly want them going through your file either, do ya? You could lose her an’ all! What the ‘ell is Phil playing’ at?!”

_Jesus, he’s so predictable. I love him._

“Relax Jay, he’s only bluffin’ at this point. He’s given her until tomrrow evenin’ to bring Lexi back ‘ome. If she don’t, then I’m not even sure he’ll really ring them on her but he’s already got Ritchie on the case tryna find us an address that they mighta gone to. Besides, she’s taken my kid away from me Jay! Our kid. Just done some flit with Lurch and left us none the wiser. I mean, she can’t just do what she wants. Lexi’s got school on Tuesday. Don’t you think that she’s the one who’s bang out of order?”

Jay thought for a minute before conceding, “no, I spose yer right. But what if she don’t turn up tomorra? Then what.”

“She will!” Ben was trying to sound more confident than he felt. What if Lola didn’t bring Lexi back? He had no idea where to even start with looking for them, so he hoped his dad’s contacts would come good.

“I dunno if I can face her tomorra Ben. Not after... everyfink.”

Ben was worried. Could Jay not stand to see Lola because he was too angry with her or because he missed her and wanted her back? _Stop it._ He thought to himself, trying to push down the gnawing dread rising up inside him.

“Well I can deal wiv her on me own if ya like? I’m workin’ here tomorra - I’ve got a delivery of two Toyota’s comin’ in at 11-ish, but you ain’t ‘ere in the mornin’ are ya?”

“Nah, I’ve rota’d meself in at Cokers tomorra. We’ve got a funeral first thing at the crem, well at ‘arf 10, anyway. And then I’ve got to do a housecall for an old dear at some point before closing. Her husband died Thursdee night but she’s mostly housebound and her daughter’s come back from Wales to ‘elp with the arrangements. So I’ll be outta commission until at least about 5 or 6pm I reckon. You be alright dealin’ with this place on yer own tomorra?”

“Erm, I fink I’ll manage - your day sounds more complicated than mine!” Ben always felt in awe at how Jay could bear his job at the funeral parlour. Such a difficult thing to have to deal with so much death and sadness all the time, although if anyone was used to all that, it was Jay. He sounded so much stronger and more together once he’d started talking about work. _Typical workaholic!_ thought Ben to himself. 

He remembered that one of Lola’s complaints about Jay was him working 6 days a week and suddenly felt a huge wave of guilt rush over him; Ben knew he was lazy and did the bare minimum at the Car Lot. Sure, he was the mouthpiece, the one with the gift of the gab and easily sold more motors than Jay did. But he left so much of the paperwork to Jay when he already had so much to do at Cokers and what with both Callum and Peter leaving the funeral parlour and Car Lot respectively over the last few months, Jay had been short staffed and running on empty for a while now. _I should do more_. He briefly wondered if his laziness and Jay taking on too much was what had caused Lo to leave due to feeling neglected or what not. But then he corrected himself. He and Jay hadn’t made her have an affair with Peter and they hadn’t forced her to take Lexi and leg it. _The only reason she’s done one is because she got herself knocked up again, stupid cow!_ Ben was starting to feel the anger burn inside him at the mother of his child. He was shaken out of his damning thoughts by Jay’s soft voice.

“Ben”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t ‘ave to deal wiv Lo on your own. If she turns up, ring me. I know you’d two ‘ave got stuff to sort out wiv Lexi but I’ll be your back up. Whatever’s ‘appened, that little girl is the most important fing ‘ere. And she needs to be back ‘ome wiv her family. Plus if Phil kicks off, it’s better if I’m there an’ all.”

“You sure? You know it ain’t gonna be easy seein’ her right? She is the love of your life after all...” _Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! You fucking idiot_! Ben knew he sounded bitter, petulant - reaching. But he couldn’t help himself.

“I _thought_ she was. Not so sure now.”

Jay’s answer took Ben’s breath away. He looked directly into Jay’s big blue-grey eyes which were etched with tiredness and sadness but there was a strength behind them. A certain depth of feeling. A look that suggested yet again, that there might be hope for Ben still...

Jay cupped Ben’s face and pulled it towards his own before planting a sweet, soft, lingering kiss on his lips. Ben closed his eyes, already feeling his spent cock twitching in his joggers again. But not before time, Jay pulled away and spoilt it all.

“Look, let’s sort out everyfink wiv Lo and Lex before we see the state of play with us...”

_Us!_

_There might be an us!_

Ben had to hang on to that. He wanted Jay so badly but he knew he had to be patient and that they had so much stuff they had to deal with first. The situation with Lexi being the most important. Ben felt pretty ashamed that he kept letting himself get carried away with Jay. But he was feeling so unbelievably excited that he might _for once_ actually be on the verge of getting everything he had ever wanted.


	14. Chapter 14 - Jay’s POV (mildly explicit)

As Jay walked back towards his house, he pictured that one last kiss he’d planted on Ben before he left. He could still almost feel Ben’s lips on his own and it made him want to turn around and run back for some more. Much more. He’d left Ben at the car lot to do some organising before work tomorrow. Plus, being honest with himself, he hadn’t wanted to leave the car lot at the same time as Ben, lest they get spotted and have to put on an act on the hop. It would have made him feel exposed and Jay knew he wasn’t ready for anyone else’s intrusions yet when he was still coming to terms with everything himself. But he also knew he was being ridiculous. To everyone else on the square, they were just Ben and Jay - best mates, business partners - _brothers_. Why would anyone think it weird to see the pair of them leaving the business they ran together? Not like they’d ever guess in a million years that instead of stamping invoices, they’d been making each other cum.

_Oh my god..._

Jay quickly tried to think of more mundanities to put himself off getting erect again. He couldn’t believe that Ben was having such a powerful effect on him. He was so exhausted by now though that he didn’t think he’d be any use even if he did turn back. The sky was dark and Jay hoped the kids would be in bed as he opened the door of number 18. It was on the latch, thank God. He was confronted by a worried looking Billy, who was sat on the sofa watching _MOTD_. Billy muted the TV and turned his attentions to Jay.

“Where ya bin? Was gettin’ worried about ya!”

“Well I weren’t out _that_ long. Just ‘ad a few fings to sort out, that’s all.” Jay could feel the blush creeping around his neck and cheeks and hoped that Billy wouldn’t notice it in the dim light. He didn’t want him working out what some of the ‘sorting out’ entailed, so he quickly changed the subject, “the kids in bed then? Where’s Honey?”

“She’s gone up for an early night, had a bit of a headache. Left the door on the latch for ya as she said you left yer keys on the side, you donut! Said she got a bit of food down ya and that you ‘ad a kip.”

“Yeah she’s an angel, your woman.” Jay was sincere.

“She’s worried sick about ya Jay. We both are. You’re goin’ through hell right now. And she don’t even know the ‘alf of it!”

“Ssssh! Keep yer voice down, will ya?!” Jay snapped angrily. “She will know if you keep bangin’ on!”

Jay looked at Billy’s face sadden, as he mumbled an apology and then looked away and he felt absolutely horrible. Bill had been nothing but supportive today so he wasn’t about to start taking all this out on him. Jay went and sat down on the couch next to Billy and started again;

“No, Bill, _I’m_ sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. This weekend has just been... well I don’t even know where to start. I am sorry.”

“Jay, mate - don’t worry about it. I just want you to be ‘appy and I hate seein’ ya in a state. Just wanna help but I know there ain’t much I can do or say.”

“Bill, you ‘ave helped and I can’t thank you enough. If it ‘adn’t been for you then I’d be finkin’ some dark thoughts right now.”

“Yeah well I get that - you’ve ‘ad one hell of a shock.”

“I’ve ‘ad a few shocks in the last 24 hours, I can tell ya!”

The tension and the awkwardness in the room broke with Jay’s quip and Billy squeezed the young man’s shoulder as they both grinned knowingly.

“So what did you and Ben talk about?” Billy stage whispered it this time but Jay knew him too well and knew that he was fishing for the gory details.

“We just said that we’d sort out gettin’ Lexi back ‘ome first before worryin’ about the rest of it.” 

Jay knew that he hadn’t admitted the half of it. It also occurred to him in that moment that he’d not told Ben that Billy knew about the two of them either. And Billy was pretty crap at acting normal around people when he knew a secret about them, he literally couldn’t help his smugness. Or if not smugness then his sudden apparent interest in asking obviously close-to-the-bone questions would always give the game away. And that worried Jay. He’d seen Billy mess up like this too many times before, not deliberately but just because he was bloody rubbish at hiding stuff. Surely this was serious enough that Bill wouldn’t put his foot in his mouth? Jay didn’t want to take any chances. He made a mental note to tell Ben before he and Billy had a chance to be in the same room together. Ben would see through Billy’s blatant nosiness and would know that Jay had spilled the beans. He’d have to be careful not to expose any of Billy’s secrets though...

“Well I rang Lo earlier,” Billy piped up.

Jay’s eyes widened

“Yeah? What did she say?!”

“She didn’t pick up. Left her a message to tell her that we weren’t too ‘appy wiv her and that she needs to stop bein’ selfish and bring that little girl back where she belongs.”

Jay felt deflated at the fact that Lola hadn’t even picked up the phone to Billy - her beloved pops. If _he_ couldn’t get through to her then what hope did the rest of them have? He was also worried that despite Billy’s good intentions, he might well have pushed Lola away further - especially with whatever vitriol Phil had sent her earlier on top of things. Lo always ran when she was backed into a corner.

“Maybe ya shoulda gone easier on her Bill - Ben said that Phil give ‘er a mouthful over voicemail an’ all - threatened ‘er with the social and all sorts!”

“Oh so Phil knows as well now, does he?” Billy sounded almost offended. And more than a little worried.

“Yeah Ben told him. He’s got Ritchie and a couple of other peeps on the case lookin’ for ‘em.”

“She’ll be back if she finks social services are gonna come after ‘er again. Wun’t she?”

“That’s what I aint sure of Bill. She might move even further outta the area if she feels threatened. Finkin’ we might all ‘ave gone in too hard to be honest? Mind you - I say we - _I_ ain’t even tried her yet!”

“Well she ain’t gonna answer the phone to you after what she’s done, is she?l

“Doubt it. If she wouldn’t even pick up to you, then I’ve got no fuckin’ chance!”

Jay flopped back onto the sofa in defeat. He was still exhausted but wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep now from the thousands of thoughts and feelings, memories and plans, tearing around in his mind like pinballs, battling to take first place in order of importance. Jay almost felt delirious from it all. He still felt hurt, frustrated, confused. But the well of tears had run dry and he couldn’t cry for Lola now. Not after what she’d done and especially not after what he had now done. And yet he felt guilty towards Ben for even giving Lola a second thought. Lexi was the priority, not his sex life. His tiredness had dulled the sharpness of his feelings. The overriding emotion he now felt was numbness.

Billy had noticed Jay’s discontent and offered him reassurance,

“Look Jay, why don’t you get off up to bed yourself, aye? You’ve had the weekend from hell and you didn’t cause nunner this, did ya? So you should stop tryna fix it all and takin’ everyfing on by yerself. You’re allowed to just ‘ave a rest and just take some time to deal with all this mate. Why dontcha give yaself the day off work tomorra?”

“I can’t Bill. I’m in at Cokers, not the Car Lot and we’ve got a funeral first fing. Plus, I can’t just leave fings wiv Lexi, can I? I need her back ‘ere. It ain’t right what Lo’s done - Lexi needs to be at home, wiv ‘er family!” 

Jay had been wrong about not having anymore tears left to cry, as he felt the hot wetness sting at his eyes and his voice crack at the last of his words. _Lexi needs to be at home, wiv ‘er family..._ But what family? Lola had demolished it and he had lost his little girl - his stepdaughter who he loved as if she were his own. And though Jay often wished Lexi _was_ his own, he knew that she wasn’t; she was Lola and Ben’s. And that somehow made her even easier to love - to see all the parts of the two people he loved the most in the world, shine through in this beautiful little girl. As well as her own unique personality. He’d seen her be born and was the only person that could ever stop her crying and get her smiling as a baby, by rapping Dizzee Rascal to her, causing bemused laughter from everyone else. He’d watched her grow into a sweet, cheeky little lady and it tore him apart to think about what she was going through and how unsettled she must feel right now. Lola had taken her away from him once before. How could she do it again? 

Jay knew that his lack of blood connection to anyone on the planet meant that nobody really had to care about him, to stick it out for him. Everyone he had here in his life, could just up and walk away - turn their backs at any time. Or go and die on him. And there was nothing Jay could do about it. Nothing. The people Jay had shown loyalty to had never really extended it back in the same way. Not for long, anyway. Lola had probably just used him all this time as a spare father figure for Lex. Until she found the next mug, anyway. And Ben was probably just using him for sex - easier for him than going on Grindr. He was everybody’s favourite stop gap. Jay suddenly hated them both. And he hated himself more for still loving them both. He was so done with it all. So done with just wanting someone who would always be there. And stay there. For good. Forever.

He tried to fight the onslaught of emotion but couldn’t. With his head in his hands, Jay wept quietly. Pain and despair, back with no warning, surrounding his bruised, bloated heart with sharp pangs. He felt Billy shuffle over to him and then felt the older man pull him gently into his arms for a hug. Jay acquiesced, too tired to put on his usual independent front and too desperate for genuine human affection to reject Billy’s show of humanity. 

*********************************************************************************************

After he’d calmed himself down and let Billy reassure him that he wasn’t alone in the world, Jay thanked him, despite only half believing him, and dragged himself upstairs to bed. He had thought his mind too hyper - too full of the day’s insanity - to let him get any sleep. But as it turned out, his exhaustion was so pervading that he crashed out atop his bedcovers, still fully clothed, into an immediate, dreamless slumber.


	15. Chapter 15 - Ben’s POV (strongly explicit)

Monday 7th September 2020

Ben was hard as a rock when he woke. He couldn’t remember if he’d dreamed throughout the night but didn’t think so. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t dream now. Sliding his hand underneath his covers to touch his naked girth, he wrapped his fingers around his shaft and began to pull back his foreskin. He rubbed his thumb over the tip of his cock, feeling the slickness and then slowly started to work at himself. He always slept nude, so threw back his bedcovers with his other hand, feeling the cool air hit him and so that he was exposed for when the inevitable conclusion happened. He would only create on himself now, not the sheets. He knew it wouldn’t take long either.

As he built up a rhythm to his strokes, his thoughts were solely of Jay. Of what they’d done to each other in the Car Lot yesterday and how unbelievably sexy it had been. And their first time the night before that, their exquisite, passionate lovemaking. Two friends as close as brothers, now lovers. He wanted - _needed_ it again. 

New fantasies were welcome intruders in his mind; Ben imagined turning Jay around to see his peachy behind and spreading his cheeks to insert his tongue inside Jay’s entrance. Maybe then a finger or two? _God, what it would feel like to put my cock inside him too..._

Ben instantly shot hard all over his chest, almost reaching his chin with the force of his ejaculation. He bit his lip to prevent him from roaring out like he wanted to, lest Phil hear him. _Don’t nobody need that_! The thought of Jay maybe one day letting Ben fuck him had tipped him over the edge. Ben was versatile, but as rule, he liked to power bottom with other guys. Riding them, but still calling the shots as he always had to. He would happily be Jay’s slave for the rest of his days if he could, but the thought of his boy ever letting him in his forbidden back entrance was so incredibly hot. And probably incredibly unlikely too. Jay was straight really. There was no way he’d be willing to take Ben’s load inside him. No way...

Ben felt the frustration building up inside him as the high from his orgasm faded and he got up to make his way to the bathroom. Of course Jay was straight. This was probably just a blip or an experiment on Jay’s part. _Why am I getting my hopes up? He’ll call time on all this madness any day now..._ Ben started to feel scared at the thought of losing Jay and then he felt the familiar guilt and self-loathing creeping in. He let his subconscious jeer him. As far as he was concerned, it was the least he deserved.

_You manipulated him into having sex with you. He’s a straight man and he was at his lowest point and you took advantage of him. You messed with his mind. He nearly had a panic attack yesterday because of you. He already had enough to deal with and you’ve just piled on more, you selfish piece of shit. Just because you’ve always loved and wanted him, doesn’t mean he loves or wants you. And why would he love or want you anyway? You’re poison. Scum of the earth. Leave him be._

Ben stood in the shower, leaning against the wall with his head facing the floor and let his tears fall into the plughole, absorbed by the rest of the boiling hot water. He prayed his father wouldn’t hear him sobbing as he turned and slid down the tiles, sitting under the cascades pouring from the shower, knees up by his chin and head buried in his arms as he cried. _What have I done?_ Anything promising in Ben’s life had always proved too good to be true - why should this be any different? Especially since he didn’t deserve it. Any day now, Jay would wake up and remember just how many times Ben had ruined his life and this time there’d be no coming back from it. And he’d lose him, the love of his life. Forever.

He gathered himself together enough to finish his shower and change into his suit, but felt on autopilot as he did so. Dull pain gnawing at his heart and stomach as he tried to block out anything to do with Jay and focus on getting to work. _And Lexi._ She had to be back by this evening or who knew what Phil would do next. If Lola brought her back early, then he’d have to close up the Car Lot after the Toyotas had been delivered. He knew his dad would be straight on his case otherwise. _And if Lo doesn’t bring her back today?_ Ben didn’t want to think too hard about that. 

******************************************************************************************

Monday’s at the Car Lot were usually quiet, especially when compared with the latter part of the week. It was the day that Ben and Jay usually booked deliveries, visits and auctions for and they normally caught up on paperwork on Monday’s also. So Ben was very irritated when a fella stopped by to ask about a car right at the exact moment the Toyotas were delivered. Talk about bad timing. Ben made the guy a coffee and managed to convince him to wait inside the hut, whilst he signed for the cars. and directed the driver outside. But as it turned out, the bloke wasn’t ready to buy yet anyway and was waiting for probate to clear on his dead dad’s properties, so was only there to ask about the motor hypothetically. Ben was frustrated - despite his sales patter, he wouldn’t be selling any cars today. Although he was grateful of the distraction from the man and reckoned he’d hid his disappointment well enough that the bloke might eventually come back when he was finally ready. Fingers crossed, anyway.

The rest of the afternoon dragged. Ben was so keen to distract himself, that he finished all the paper work in the office by 2:30pm and then even set about giving the place a bit of a clean. It was totally dead though, not one more person knocked on the door, with only a couple stopping to have a quick look outside, politely scarpering with a “just looking, thanks!” as soon as Ben approached them with an over eager “how can I help you today?”

But Ben couldn’t stop his mind from doing overtime. What if Lola didn’t bring Lexi back by this evening? What then?! She had school tomorrow. Phil had already been extra grumpy when Ben was on the way out this morning. There was no telling how foul his mood would be if Lo didn’t show up. Where the hell would they even begin to look for them?

And Jay. _Jay_. What the hell was he going to do about Jay? He loved him. Was _in_ love with him. Completely. Ben knew that on a cellular level and always had done really. But Jay was in no position to reciprocate and Ben knew that. He fought the guilt strangling his gut, but just couldn’t help feeling like he’d done something wrong. Like he’d pushed Jay down a road he shouldn’t have. Ben knew he was one for taking the piss, for overstepping the mark. And he’d taken advantage of Jay’s good nature in the past. But this time, it made him feel almost like he was some sort of sex pest. 

Ben closed his eyes and thought back to yesterday and the night before that. Jay had wanted him too, right? Jay had kissed him, had touched him. It couldn’t all have been one sided, could it? There must be something there between them. And he remembered all the kind things Jay had said afterwards; even if Jay himself didn’t; _Suddenly I’m falling for you overnight._ Jay had actually said that. And Jay NEVER said things he didn’t mean. 

He tried to grasp at any straw he could in every corner of his mind, to try and absolve himself of all the blame here. But it wasn’t working. The guilt was still multiplying and travelling in him as if through all the blood cells in his body. He couldn’t fight the feeling that Jay was just confused and that Ben had caught him at a low point and manipulated it to his advantage. He remembered kissing the tears off of his broken friend’s beautiful face and how Jay, instead of pulling away, had turned to kiss him back. On the lips. _He just gave up._ Ben thought. _It never worked out for him with any women so he just gave up and went with the easy option. Me. As soon as I tried it on again, he just caved in and went with it._

Ben abruptly wiped the boiling, angry tears off of his face. He was furious at himself. Yesterday he’d actually allowed himself to believe that Jay was going to be his future. But now, he was seeing it more clearly in the cold light of day. The situation was messy and at some point, Lo would be back in touch with them both. And Jay would be torn. Even thought Lola didn’t seem to want him at the minute, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t always want her. Although, Lo could never seem to stay away from Jay for long. She was like a boomerang. And most importantly, Lexi didn’t need this confusion. God they were messing up that poor child. Ben had sworn he wouldn’t fuck her up like his dad had with him.

He didn’t think he could wait much longer. He needed to speak to Jay.

As soon as 17:30 rolled around, Ben locked up the Car Lot and legged it over to Turpin Road. Coker and Mitchell’s was already closed up and there was no guarantee that Jay was even still there or if he’d returned from his house call yet. He banged loudly on the door, just as he’d done yesterday to no avail.

“Jay! Jay, it’s me. You in there?”

No answer.

Ben was just about to turn around and walk over to number 18 when he heard the sound of the inner door being unlocked. And then a familiar face opening the shop front door.

Jay.

He looked tired, Ben thought. Like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, which he very definitely did.

As soon as Ben was whisked abruptly through the door, Jay quickly double checked that the _CLOSED_ sign on the glass was still facing the outside world and re-locked up once again. He came back in and Ben couldn’t make out the look in his eyes. This man, who he knew every part of. And for once he was in unchartered territory. 

Yes, Jay looked tired. But he also looked gorgeous. Handsome beyond words in his smart black work suit. Ben normally wouldn’t have been able to stop staring at Jay’s perfect bone structure, or looking deep into his doe-like eyes. But this time, it was too hard. Ben couldn’t meet Jay’s gaze and kept his focus on his clothing instead, his own eyes boring into the black tie, which Jay reached up to loosen from around his neck. Timely. Jay was so beautiful, not just under his suit but under his skin as well . It made what he was about to say to him all the more difficult. 

“You okay?” Jay’s voice was soft, concerned - like he’d clocked Ben’s fears. Ben felt rushes of love and panic lurch through him, all at once. He was just going to have to come out with it;

“You don’t ‘ave to do this anymore you know.” Ben hated how small his voice sounded. _God I’m pathetic._

“Aye?” Jay looked bewildered and if possible, even more tired. “What the ‘ell are you on about?”

“This. Us. I know you Jay. You ain’t doin’ this for the right reasons.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

Jay walked over to where Ben stood, his weary eyes suddenly gleaming with intensity, and firmly held either side of Ben’s face in his hands, before leaning in and kissing his lips. The kiss was tender but the intent behind it was not at all. Ben could sense his boy meant business. He let himself melt into the kiss and suddenly felt bereft when Jay pulled away from him, although relieved that his face was still cupped in Jay’s hands.

“You bin overfinkin’ again, int ya!” It was a statement from Jay rather than a question. This man knew Ben better than he knew himself. But it occurred to Ben that he also knew Jay with the same depth and he had a feeling that his friend had kissed him as much to reassure himself, as to reassure Ben.

“I ain’t the only one though am I? You’ve been worryin’ too - I can tell!”

Jay just looked at him in amazement, with raised eyebrows and a slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Ben broke out into a smile then. It always amused him how Jay could work his phycic powers on him at any time and no one was supposed to bat an eyelid (and no one ever did). In fact, Jay was famed around these parts for having to spell out Ben’s true motivations for every other idiot in the room. It was Jay people always came to when they wanted the drop on Ben’s ridiculous behaviour and his analysis would always be dead on. Yet when Ben turned his observational skills back on Jay, he was almost always genuinely shocked that Ben wasn’t so completely up his own arse that he could sometimes match Jay’s noted intuition. And he got the impression that this actually delighted Jay, in some strange way. That he was elated there was actually someone on the planet that cared enough about him to _notice things._

Jay’s held his hands up in mock surrender. He was properly grinning now.

“Alright, fine - you got me! I ‘ad a bit of a “moment” last night. Got meself in a bit of a state. Billy got me to sort meself out.” Jay’s face broke into a frown and his tone suddenly switched to serious, “I’m sorry I never text earlier. It’s been non-stop all day. If I’da known you was worryin’ too...”

“Jay - you told me last night how mental work was gonna be today - give yaself a break.”

“Still.”

“What did Bill say?”

“Yeaaah, about that...” Jay grimaced, “Billy knows.”

“What? About me and you?!”

“Yeah. I told him everyfink.”

“Jay, for the love of God! Whatcha tell ‘im for? Me dad’s gonna find out now! This is Billy we’re talkin’ about - he can keep a job longer than he can keep a secret and we both know that means not for long! Oh God, I bet he finks I pushed you into it. Bet he finks I’m sick in the ‘ead! He’s right though ain’t he? I am sick in the ‘ead! You’re straight! I made you do all this! I took the piss. You must both fink I’m a proper wrongun!” All of Ben’s painful insecurities spilled out via his panicked ranting and suddenly it was his own turn to veer towards the edge of an anxiety attack. 

Jay grabbed him by either shoulder in implied reassurance but his face told a different story. He looked completely heartbroken. In fact, he was welling up a little.

“Woah, Ben, please don’t tell me that’s what you fink about yerself? Please. You know nunner that’s true, right? I didn’t do nuffing that I didn’t wanna do. I did it because I wanted to. Because I wanted _you_. Alright? You ‘ave to believe me and stop hatin’ on yerself like this. You ain’t done anyfink wrong. You ain’t like what you say you are. And Billy don’t fink that. He’s bin amazin’ Ben. Really supportive. I proper owe ‘im one - he stopped me from completely losin’ the plot yesterdee. He won’t say anyfink to Phil. Or anyone else. You gotta trust me on that one.”

“How can you know that for sure? You know what Bill’s like.” Ben’s voice was hoarse from the lump in his throat.

“Let’s just say I’ve got a little insurance policy where Bill’s concerned.”

“What? What you got on ‘im?”

The way Jay’s eyes turned from caring to steely along with his stony silence, stopped Ben in his tracks and he knew not to question further as Jay wasn’t about to betray Billy’s confidence. Not for anyone. Not even for Ben. It wasn’t even up for discussion. Ben was always hesitant with criticism of Billy when around Jay. Because Jay loved Billy dearly and it was a line you just did not cross with him, such was the extent of Jay’s loyalty to the man who saved him from a life in the care system. He was not to be messed with on this. And that was entirely fair enough, thinking about it. Ben started to feel some relief, even with Jay’s sudden coldness. Whilst Billy was usually an idiot when sitting on juicy information, it worked both ways with Jay as far as loyalty was concerned. And Ben’s breathing settled when he realised that it was highly unlikely that Billy would breath a word of this to anyone. Especially if he was sitting on his own sins. Or secrets. Ben couldn’t imagine what that was all about and what Jay was alluding to but he just knew he’d have to trust Jay on this one.

“Sorry.” Eyes dipped, Ben couldn’t manage much more, suddenly feeling small and overwhelmed.

Jay moved closer and gently kissed him again. He pulled away shyly and Ben thought perhaps he was looking for permission to go further. Ben could barely hold back any longer, suddenly fired up by the fact that Jay had made a move on him _twice_ now. _He actually wants this. He wants ME._ Ben himself leaned in and this time the kiss was far more intense, desperate even. Ben was gripping his friends face possibly a little too tight as he kissed him, before running one hand through his soft, ginger hair, at first feeling the soft fuzz of the the closely cut back and sides before getting a more substantial handful as his hand moved higher. His other hand was everywhere; running down Jay’s arm and then his across his chest and then moving lower, round the back of Jay’s suit to grab his bum through the jet black trousers. He had never felt desire like this before in his life. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to stop touching this man ever again after this. Ben felt himself shiver with anticipation when Jay’s hands also reached around his back to grab his chunky arse. 

Ben manoeuvred Jay a few steps backward so that despite being still stood, he was slightly perched against his mahogany desk, with Ben looming in front of him. Still kissing, he started grinding his erection into Jay’s, through their suit trousers, feeling Jay’s breaths quicken in his mouth as he did so. Fuck, he was hot. He wanted him now. Ben unzipped Jay’s trousers and pulled out his rapidly hardening cock, before slowly dropping down to his knees, holding eye contact with an intensely lusty-eyed Jay all the way down. At least until he was level with Jay’s manhood. He pressed his face into the boner, inhaling the beautiful scent and started kissing up and down his shaft. He toyed with Jay’s balls with his left hand whilst trying to free his own straining cock from his trousers.

Ben ran his tongue up Jay’s length until he reached the tip, where he saw a pearl of fore-seed peeking out of the slit. Done with teasing Jay now, he slowly licked the slickness onto his tongue, before sucking gently on the bell, hearing Jay gasp in pleasure at the feeling of Ben’s hot mouth on his sex. Ben needed to devour the man in front of him and wanted to taste him properly. Jay was a reasonably well endowed man so Ben took a couple of seconds to prepare for him and his size again. With that, he relaxed his gag reflex and took Jay deep in his throat.

He started to jerk his own girth in time with every suck of Jay’s pulsating member. Occasionally removing his mouth to masturbate Jay and look up at the effect he was having on him. Jay would either have his eyes closed and be biting at his lip, or he’d be looking down at what Ben was doing to him in total awe. Either vision was like heaven for Ben. He knew he was good at head. Jay had complimented Lola on her skills before this, but Ben knew that Jay would never have experienced head quite as gorgeous as this. The choked moans and gasps escaping Jay’s own throat as Ben blew him, all but confirmed it. Only boys really knew what other boys liked.

He could almost picture what the scene would look like to an outsider; Both men in smart suits - Jay’s black, Ben’s grey. But dishevelled. Ties askew, Flies down. Only their privates exposed. Ben on his knees, cock in hand, head bobbing up and down as he blew Jay, who was perched on the desk edge, moans of lust betraying the true extent of his pleasure. If he had been directing an erotic film, this was the scene Ben would have started with. He knew they must look insanely hot together and it was turning him on no end. The lust in the room was intense. Jay was getting even more rigid in Ben’s mouth with every suck, his substantial length stabbing past Ben’s tonsils, felt warm as it pulsed harder and harder. Jay ran his fingers through Ben’s soft brown hair, gently pulling him closer with it. Ben knew Jay was close, and started breathing heavily all over Jay’s area, refusing to let him out of his mouth but losing the battle to fully concentrate on the job as he furiously fisted his own stiff prick up and down, overtaking the increased pace of his sucking. Jay was obviously highly enjoying Ben’s loss of control and ragged, uneven breaths on his cock as he suddenly cried out “gunna...cum!” before filling Ben’s mouth with his hot ejaculate, jerking his hips as he did so.

Having Jay lose it it in his mouth proved too much for Ben and as he took Jay’s load, feeling the warmth course down his throat, he was suddenly spraying himself, all over the polished floor, as well as his own pumping hand. As he slowed down the strokes on his spent cock and came down from his bliss, Ben stood himself up and pulled the euphoric, panting man in front of him in for a final kiss, wanting to Jay to share his own cream from off of his tongue. Jay had tasted absolutely beautiful. Like syrup and salt. It was true what they said about redheads - they really did taste better than everyone else.

Jay tasted himself without complaint, licking up the remnants of his own cream from Ben’s tongue before giving him a lingering kiss on the lips. Ben felt a huge rush of love for Jay in that moment and buried his head in his neck, wanting - just for a few seconds - to feel safe. He felt Jay kiss him atop his head, in his hair and whisper breathlessly;

“You shoulda let me help you out. Not fair you doin’ all the work!”

Ben knew Jay was probably looking at the sticky mess he’d just deposited on the floor via his own hand.

“I couldn’t have held out to wait for ya! Too hot.”

“You just wait ‘til next time then!”

_Next time! There’s going to be a next time! This is really happening!_

He wanted to tell Jay he loved him. He needed to say it. The words were on the tip of his tongue when he was jolted back into reality by the sound of his mobile phone vibrating on Jay’s desk, where he’d placed it earlier. He looked at the name flashing up int the screen.

_Dad_

Ben knew he had to answer it. Phil would just keep ringing otherwise. And then the abusive messages would start. He exchanged a worried glance with Jay, who’d also spotted the name on the screen and then quickly worked to compose himself. He tucked his flaccid cock back into his pants and started to do up his trousers, watching Jay do the same, tucking his shirt back in and sorting himself out. Ben picked up the phone whilst hurriedly redressing.

“Dad?”

“Ben, you better get back ‘ere now.”

“Why? What’s ‘appened?”

“There’s someone ‘ere to see you?”

“Aye? Who’s that then?”

“Lexi. Lexi’s back.”


	16. Chapter 16 - Jay’s POV (mildly explicit)

As Ben hung up on his dad, Jay exchanged a shocked glance with him. He had heard every tinny word Phil had said through the speaker on Ben’s phone.

Ben started smiling as he closed his eyes. Jay could see the relief in his face as his body visibly relaxed.

“Oh thank god, she’s back! Lo’s brought her back!”

“We’d better get over there Ben.”

Jay knew logically that this was brilliant news. He was delighted that Lexi was back where she belonged. And in no time at all he’d be seeing her smiling little face and giving her a big bear hug. She’d probably get straight down to it and try and convince him to let her put glitter in his eyebrows or something equally nuts, just like usual. But he couldn’t help the knot forming in his stomach at the thought of having to face Lola. He was furious with her. But he also still loved her and Jay wasn’t sure if he’d be able to contain his emotions when he saw her - something he was usually expert at. 

Jay had been a mess all weekend - there was no guarantee he could control himself when he saw Lola. He’d just about held it together whilst working the funeral that morning, but after the house-call with the elderly grieving widow a few hours ago, Jay had very nearly lost it when she did. He’d had to excuse himself to her bathroom for a quick cry before carrying on. It was normally only dealing with the deaths of children that did that to him. Burying Sharon’s Denny in the spring had been so desperately upsetting that he’d privately cried his eyes out then too, although Dennis had been almost like a little brother which made it all the worse. But today that sweet little old dear who couldn’t even walk anymore, and who’s far healthier husband had shocked her by passing away first and so suddenly, well it had really gotten to him. 

Jay had not been this fragile - so completely unable to get a handle on his emotions in a very long while and he didn’t like thinking back to the last time. He was normally calm and stoic in the extreme - losing one’s entire family so young plus having a front row seat to other people’s grief via his job, kind of demanded it. Jay hated feeling vulnerable and he hated that he was being such a mess about this. _Your girlfriend cheating on you and doing one hardly compares with that poor lady who’s about to be burying the love of her life, you total fucking baby._

Plus, there was this whole thing with Ben. _Ben..._ How the hell would he ever look Lola in the eyes anyway? She’d guess. She’d totally guess within about 30 seconds that he and Ben were acting weird about something. Because they would very definitely be acting weird. Ben was better than he was at keeping up a pretence. Jay knew he was a fairly useless liar, omission of the truth being his more likely means of getting away with things. And what if Lo had brought Peter with her? _Oh man_. He might be seeing him in 5 minutes as well. _I’m gonna fucking lamp the smug prick, I swear to God_! Surely he wouldn’t be stupid enough to show his face around Phil’s? For all his faults, Jay knew that Phil would 100% have his back with regards to Peter - if not for loyalty to Jay, then because he was Ian Beale’s son and Phil wouldn’t be best pleased that Lola had effectively conjoined the two families once again by getting pregnant by Peter.

Jay felt sick again at the thought. The look on his face didn’t pass by Ben, who put a comforting hand on Jay’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t worry about seein’ her, I know you can handle this. Keep your chin up - she’s the one that’s done wrong here, not you. You don’t even have to talk to her. It’s all about Lexi, not ‘er.”

Jay gave Ben a small, reassuring smile as if to show his agreement. The feelings of nausea didn’t subside though, and he wondered how he’d ever walk into that house without shaking or throwing up. But Ben was right. This was all about Lexi, nothing else mattered. _Style it out man_ , he thought to himself. _Just tell her you’ve got nothing to say to her if she starts up._ But Jay knew full well that this wasn’t true and he hoped to God he could contain all the painful words he wanted to hurl Lola’s way instead.

*******************************************************************************

After cleaning themselves up a bit in the bathroom at Cokers, Jay picked up his keys to lock up the shop and before he did, Ben gave him a thoughtful look, before pressing a gentle kiss to Jay’s temple. A small gesture of reassurance that made Jay feel slightly more positive about the unnerving situation they were about to walk into.

They walked from Turpin Road to Victoria road in silence and Ben opened the back gate so that they could let themselves in through the kitchen. Just before they went in, he turned to Jay.

“You ready? Game faces on.”

“Could really do with a ciggie right about now!”

“Ain’t you got none on ya?”

“Nah I chucked ‘em in the bin, I’m meant to have quit aint I, but times like these...”

“Come on. You’ve got this.” Ben was steadfast.

Jay took a deep breath before entering the house, nerves jangling and with a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t wait to see Lexi, but was dreading seeing Lola and potentially Peter too. _Oh God, what if he’s all over her?_ Jay felt a chill rip through him. He might have been a hypocrite after all that had gone on in the last few days, but he knew there was no way he’d be able to stand there and watch that. Jay braced himself as he walked into the living room after Ben, his heart in his mouth. He saw Phil first, sat in his usual spot, but was completely thrown by the other face he saw in the room.

Ian.

Ben, quicker off the mark, spoke for him.

“Ian, what you doin’ here? Where’s Lexi?”

Ian looked nervous as he exchanged a glance with Phil before turning back to Ben and Jay. 

“Lola brought her back to mine this afternoon and asked me to drop her over. She’s got a scan on Wednesday,” Jay noticed Ian’s eyes dart towards him guiltily, “and she decided it might be best if Lexi went back to school as normal tomorrow and for the next few days or weeks at least until you have all sorted out what you need to. She was hoping you guys could take her tonight and have her here for the next few days. Lexi was upset and begging to see you all, so Lola decided to do the decent thing.”

“Of course we’ll ‘ave her - she’s our kid!” Ben was trying hard to keep his temper, Jay could tell, as he was talking through gritted teeth, “but why couldn’t Lola come and say all this to us herself? Ain’t she got the bollocks? And where is Lexi anyway?”

“She’s upstairs on her tablet. She’s had ‘er dinner.” Phil grunted from his chair. Ian continued;

“I think Lola just wanted to get this scan out of the way first - she’s not been very well with it all. Then she said she’d talk to you properly.”

Ben scoffed “why are you so keen to stick up for her Ian? You’re meant to be _my_ brother. Do you have any idea of the pain and the worry her and your precious son have caused?”

Jay felt all eyes in the room suddenly turn to him. Ian’s usual smuggery was conspicuously absent and he even had the good grace to look a little sheepish. What he said next, was as clumsy as ever, but also so genuine that Jay couldn’t help but warm to him.

“No. I’m not Ben. I’m just the messenger. Don’t shoot.” He said before turning to Jay and addressing him directly, “look Jay, I’m so sorry for what my son has done to you. He hasn’t been a good mate. I don’t know what’s happened to him lately. He’s never really been the same since... I’m actually pretty ashamed of him for this. Lola is the last person I’d... well I think they’ve both been idiots. And it’s not even gonna last so that’ll be another kid brought into...”

“Alright Beale, that’s enough outta you.” Phil interrupted holding his hand up. He looked at Jay who couldn’t actually believe the pity that was in his eyes. It actually moved him quite a bit. “You alright son?”

“Yeah, never better!” Jay couldn’t help the bitter sarcasm falling from his tongue, realising that the first words he’d spoken in this room were actually a joke. He had been so flooded with relief not to have see Lola and Peter face to face that he hadn’t actually realised he felt lighter inside. He turned to Ian to reassure him. He felt sympathy for him too. He hadn’t asked for any of this to land on his doorstep.

“Look Ian, I appreciate it mate. It ain’t your fault. We just wanna see Lexi and get her ready for school tomorra.”

“Yeah and if you’re actin’ as messenger Ian, you can tell Lola that she ain’t ever gettin’ Lexi back after this!” Ben chimed in, “So she might as well stay gone because Lexi ain’t leaving this house to go back to whatever little shack they’ve got in Leyton. I ain’t havin’ it.”

“Ben...” Jay said his name warningly. He knew when Ben was getting close to losing his temper and it wasn’t fair him taking it out on Ian.

“Well actually they’ve already gone. So I can’t really tell them anything.” Ian looked flustered.

“Did they leave an address, or what?” Phil was curious.

“No.”

“Useless. You ‘ave ‘em back for 5 minutes, she dumps the kid on you and you let ‘em run off without telling you where! What did you even say to that boy of yours?” Phil never could resist giving Ian grief and he was obviously feeling particularly hateful of late, knowing that Ian had helped Sharon financially to gazzump him to the sale of the Vic. Jay knew that Phil would likely get his revenge on Ian in one way or another. The tension in the air was palpable.

“We had a bit of an argument to be honest.” Ian swallowed. “If I’d have kept my cool with them they might have said where they were going. Called them a few choice names. Mum calmed it all down but they went anyway. Look, I’m not happy about this situation either, you know. I am on Ben and Jay’s side with this one.”

“Has anyone told Billy what’s ‘appened today yet? He’s been tryna get Lo on the phone himself.” Jay heard himself pipe up. Billy had been worriedly trying to call Lola for two days to no avail and Jay knew he should be told that they were safe at least.

The silence in the room gave him the answer he needed.

“Right, well I’m gonna step outside for a minute and let him know now then.” Jay turned his back and walked out of the living room to go and make the call in the back yard, relieved at the out he’d been gifted to get away from all the sniping, when he was stopped by a familiar face in the hallway...

“Uncle Jaaaaaaay!”

“Lexi!”

The little blonde girl ran straight into Jay’s arms from where he stood in the hallway, having left the other three to argue amongst themselves. Jay lifted her up, spun her round and then pulled her in for a proper hug. His emotions hit him like a freight train once again as the tears welled up in his eyes. Jay buried his face in Lexi’s golden hair to try and stem the lump in his throat but it was no use. It had only been three days since he’d seen her last but it felt more like three years with all the madness that had gone on in between. He loved her so much and the gravity of how close he may have been to losing her for good really hit home. And yet here she was and he felt so happy to have even a fraction of his family back in his arms - his life - that he was overwhelmed. As he quickly wiped his wet face and went to put Lexi back down, he saw that she too, had been crying. He wiped her little face gently.

“Aaah sweetheart don’t cry! Aye? You’re back now, int ya?!”

“Can I stay here with you and daddy now?” 

“Of course you can darlin’” came a voice from behind them both.

“Daddyyyyyy!”

It was Ben’s turn for a hug from Lexi and from the way that Ben fell to his knees and teared up even quicker than Jay had the minute his daughter launched herself into his arms, Jay realised just how much he must have been suffering with all this as well and felt Ben’s pain knock his heart. He knew Ben had always felt insanely guilty for not being there for Lexi for the first few years of her life. He had only found out she was his whilst in prison and had always vowed not to inflict himself on Lexi, thinking he’d poison her and wreck her life like he felt his dad had wrecked his. But Ben, once he had come around, had shaped up to be a decent father. He loved Lexi and possibly overcompensated by spoiling her a bit too much. He cared deeply about his little girl and wanted the only the finest for her. Jay knew that Ben was at his best around Lexi. All aggression or bitterness just seemed to leave him and he was at his most laid back and at ease around his daughter. Jay had always told him he’d be a natural if he just let himself. Ben as a dad was the Ben that Jay loved the most. He had loved so many different versions of Ben over the years, but seeing just how pure fatherhood had made Ben, made it his favourite version of all. 

“Come on uncle Jay, you get in for this hug as well!” Ben opened out one of his arms as a gesture,

“Come ‘ere then!” Jay knelt down to where Ben and Lexi were on the floor hugging, feeling a huge rush of love for them both as he joined the embrace . It occurred to Jay that this little girl saw them both as her family and wanted them both around. And she didn’t care in what context either, so accepting and innocent was she. _Could she ever see us as partners and not be messed up from it?_ Especially as they’d both been with her mother! _Nah, it’d probably scar her a bit_. Jay thought to himself, sadly. And knowing Ben as well as he did, he could almost hear his thoughts from the head in the hug right next to his own. He imagined Ben might be wondering the same thing as he. Jay batted the thoughts from his mind. It wasn’t appropriate to be thinking like this and of course it’d probably mess Lexi up. It was all about her today and nothing else. And thank God she was back.

*****************************************************************************

After Ian had left, promising to call if he heard anything from the gruesome twosome, Jay helped Ben as they set about getting Lexi in her pyjamas so that she was ready for bed. Jay felt a familiar warmth as she opened up her tablet and forced them both to watch a ridiculous video on YouTube where some privileged little brat was opening gifts and chocolates that had been sent to her, just to show off to her thousands of viewers. _No doubt each hit puts money in mummy and daddy’s bank account_! Jay thought wryly. He then got into a good-natured argument with Ben and Lexi about her wish to become a YouTuber herself, with Ben just giving in as usual. Jay made Lexi promise him that she would only become a YouTuber if she had a real talent to show off, such as her singing or dancing - not just opening up shiny crap on camera. She’d agreed to his “rules” but only if he promised to buy her a karaoke machine for Christmas this year. Somehow, Jay knew he had been outwitted by that Mitchell DNA once again and found himself laughing whilst agreeing to keep his part of the bargain.

Jay felt genuinely content for the first time in days. Lexi was back and he hadn’t had to deal with her mother. He knew it was coming at some point, but for now he was just going to enjoy the moment with his stepdaughter. _Can I still call her that_? Just a week ago, if it had been his turn to do the bedtime routine with Lexi, he’d have possibly rushed through the bedtime stories and the chatting (Lexi _definitely_ knew how to stall for time). But as he read to her, taking turns with Ben to do the funny voices of the characters in the book, he felt like he was the one who wanted just one more story. He had taken all this for granted. This little girl was so precious. He’d have read to her all night if he could have gotten away with it, but after the third yawn, they knew Lexi was flagging and needed her sleep before school tomorrow. Lola had left all Lexi’s uniform in the cupboards - probably having assumed at first that she wouldn’t need to take it if they were moving Lexi’s school. Jay felt a pinprick of gratitude towards Lola for doing the right thing and for bringing Lexi back so she could start school on time, with all her friends.

Jay kissed Lexi’s forehead before promising to take her into school tomorrow and let Ben whisper the same before they turned her bedroom light off and left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. Once on the upstairs landing, Jay was taken aback by Ben grabbing his hand and pulling it up to his mouth and pressing a kiss to it.

“Thank you.”

“What for?” Jay was bewildered to see his friend’s blue eyes paned with tears.

“For being a brilliant dad to my girl.”

“You’re her dad Ben. I’m just ‘ere to help.”

“No, you’re just as much her dad as I am. Trust me when I say that.”

Jay looked at Ben sentimentally, feeling hugely moved by Ben’s statement. He replied softly;

“That means the world to me Ben, you sayin’ that. She means the world to me too ya know.”

“I know.”

“Come ‘ere ya daft sod!” Jay pulled Ben into a hug. It had been an emotional evening and his Ben’s relief was palpable - he had his daughter back and everything felt right again. Jay felt touched that Ben had said what he did - that his boy thought of him as Lexi’s father too. The heightened emotion and love Jay felt in that moment, as well as the close proximity to his lovers body began to take effect and he felt a familiar twitch in his trousers. Jay pulled away abruptly. It wouldn’t do to have either Lexi or Phil catch them in an embrace that had left them both semi-erect. 

“Come on! I’m Hank Marvin! You got anyfink to eat in this gaff?!”

********************************************************************************

Phil had read Jay’s mind by the time the two men had trundled downstairs from putting Lexi down for bed.

“Ben!”

“Yeah?”

“Either of you two eaten dinner yet?”

“Nah.”

“Right, well I ain’t either. Got a bit interrupted. ‘Ere’s a score: get yerself down the chippy and get us a saveloy and a bag of chips each. Oh, and some pickled onions and a bottle’a fizz an’ all. Dinner’s on me. Bit too late to be cookin’ now, aye?! Oh and you might wanna hurry up - they close at 9pm.”

“Aaah cheers dad! Back in a bit.”

“Cheers Phil.” Jay made to follow Ben out of the house to get the food when he was stopped short.

“Not you Jay. Ben can get this.”

Jay looked at Phil, bewildered before exchanging a perplexed glance with Ben. It was clear that Phil wanted a private chat with Jay, but what about was anyone’s guess. _Please don’t say he knows_. Jay felt the worry start to bubble up.

Ben huffed, clearly put out that he wasn’t going to be a party to this conversation. “Fine. See you in 10.” He stalked out of the back of the house.

Jay moved over to the couch, sitting opposite Phil’s armchair and looked at him. He couldn’t help but think of what Billy has told him yesterday - it surely seemed too insane to be true. Phil would never... But then again, Phil would have thought exactly the same about Jay if someone had told him about the last few days. He’d have disbelieved it instantly. For a second, Jay wondered if Billy had been bullshitting him, to try and make him feel better. Making out like he could relate. But he knew Billy would never do that really. He tried to stop thinking about Phil’s big secret, pushing the unsavoury images of his two former guardians out of his head and waiting for the older man to start talking, which he duly did as soon as he heard Ben slam the back gate.

“Now. Are you gonna tell me what’s really goin’ on or what?”

Jay froze and fought the instinct to gulp too obviously. He knew he must be looking at Phil like a dear in headlights.

“W...Whaddya mean?” he managed to stammer, trying as hard as he could to look genuinely confused and sound nonchalant with it. _Oh God, he knows - how the hell does he know?!_

“I mean with you and Lola. What ‘appened? Because last week she was bouncin’ round this place fulla beans, even said summink about marrying ya. But by the end of the week she was a bit off - a bit quiet. And then she’s gone off with Beale junior the first. Reckons she’s up the duff. So what’s she playin’ at?”

“Yer askin’ me?” Jay swallowed, relief hitting him that Phil hadn’t clocked about him and Ben at the same time as the chilly reality hitting him that Lola had well and truly gone. He really didn’t want to be having this conversation with Phil but he knew there was no way out of it. “I dunno Phil. She left me a note on Saturdee and that was the last I ‘eard from ‘er.”

Jay looked down at his hands, willing himself not to cry again. _Not in front of Phil, he’ll get on your case for being soft._

“See now summink ain’t right wi’this, I’m tellin’ ya.” Phil continued. “Because I overheard her on the phone about a month ago talkin’ about a “one off” and a “mistake” with someone. She had the ragin’ hump and hung up on whoever it was. I’m now finkin’ it musta been Peter. Sounded shady at the time but it coulda been about anyfing. I kept an eye on ‘er after that but for the most part, she’s been accounted for.”

Jay felt like he’d been winded. Phil had known something was up and never said anything.

“Why the ‘ell didn’t you tell me?!” Jay spluttered, gesticulating wildly, the betrayal strangling his voice. “Especially after what ‘appened before! Ya coulda clued me up!” _Why am I even surprised_? Jay had long ago accepted that Phil had very selective, almost random loyalty to anyone and no one at any given time, so he didn’t know why it still hurt whenever he was kept in the dark or shut out.

“Well I didn’t know for sure what was goin’ on, did I? And whaddya mean “what ‘appened before?” What’s that about?” Phil looked genuinely confused.

“You know. When she slept with Peter the first time!”

“Aye?!” Phil looked even more nonplussed.

Jay sighed. He really, really didn’t have the energy for this and was finding it even harder to control his emotions. But it looked as though perhaps Phil legitimately wasn’t aware of the history here and Jay softened towards him instantly. This wasn’t his fault. He tried hard to keep his voice level as he explained;

“They ‘ad a one-night fing. In March. After she turned me proposal down. And whilst she were pregnant wiv my... before she got rid of it.” Jay practically spat the words out, still as bitter as he had been the day he found out. “She reckoned we’d split up and I probably did chuck ‘er in the heat of the moment. But I reckon she were just lookin’ for a pass. Looks like I was right, aye? Didn’t Ben tell you any o’ this?”

“Nah.” Phil had actually raised his eyebrows in shock. Jay didn’t even know Phil was able to raise his eyebrows as he couldn’t remember ever seeing him do it before. “Ben didn’t say anyfing.”

“What does it matter anyway? She’s gone, she’s havin’ _his_ kid - mine weren’t good enough apparently. Least Lexi’s back, aye?” Jay slumped back on the couch, feeling utterly deflated. He was edging closer to the precipice of tears again and Phil was the _last_ person he wanted seeing him cry. _Please don’t let him start being nice to me._

“Jay, I dunno what to say mate. I’m sorry. I’ve been there though. I couldn’t hack havin’ Sharon around wiv that Keanu’s kid sleepin’ in the cot next to us. I know it ain’t the baby’s fault but who wants a daily reminder of your missus mugging you off, aye?”

Jay looked up, suddenly humbled. Of course Phil knew exactly what this was like, having been through the same thing over the last year. _He was only tryna sympathise wiv ya._ Jay felt a rush of affection for the grumpy old git. He wasn’t all bad really.

“Cheers Phil. I know you get it. I just dunno what to do next, that’s all.” Jay knew his voice was slightly breaking but had started to care less. 

“You’ve just gotta keep it together son, when she comes back. Tell ‘er what for,”

“Well I don’t fink she’s coming’ back for me Phil - just for Lex.”

Phil scoffed. “What, Lola? Oh she’ll be back for you!” He chuckled.

“See, everyone keeps saying that but I don’t get it. Why would she? She’s got her new bloke and a baby on the way wiv ‘im. They were probably at it the ‘ole time! Why the ‘ell would she give a shit about me?” Jay was getting angry again and starting to well up.

“Look Jay. I don’t reckon they were at it the ‘ole time. I fink she’s mucked up a second time and got herself in a mess. I don’t fink she wants ‘im ya know. She asked me last week if I thought it were a good idea if she proposed to ya! Said she’d got a ring and all. She asked me if I thought it was weird for a bird to do the askin’.” 

Jay stopped dead, suddenly unable to breath properly. _Lola was going to propose_? He refused to let the gravity of Phil’s revelation sink in. It was irrelevant anyway. After a few seconds - seconds that felt more like minutes, he found his voice. It was small. Quiet.

“Why would she talk about proposin’ to me if she ‘ad his bun in the oven?”

“Well I don’t reckon she knew yet, when she said that to me, last week it musta been. I reckon as soon as she found out she were up the duff, she panicked and told Peter and they’ve legged it. Last minute. She were dead set on you before that. Told her how Shirley proposed to me once. Didn’t go through with it mind you!”

“But that still don’t make any sense Phil. Ian said she was going for a scan this week - I ain’t no expert but ain’t she gotta be 12 weeks or summink?”

“Nah Ian told me she was going for an early scan as she’s been ‘aving some bleedin’. Didn’t really wanna know.” Phil made a face. 

“Don’t matter anyway. Nuffink to do wiv me now, is it? Won’t be long before I’m banned from seein’ Lexi, no doubt.” Jay knew he sounded petulant but anger was literally the only way he could fend off a breakdown.

“Don’t be stupid. You’ll see Lexi whenever she’s wiv Ben, wun’t ya? And anyway, Lola’s gonna ‘ave a job gettin’ ‘er back after this!”

“Come on Phil. You can’t ban Lex from seein’ her own mum. It’ll kill the pair of ‘em!”

“I never said that. But this is Lexi’s home. And you heard her tonight - she don’t wanna leave.

Jay couldn’t really disagree with that one. He just couldn’t understand why Lola thought running away and dragging Lexi from pillar to post was a good idea instead of staying put and facing up to her mistake. Yes, it would have been embarrassing for her but the gossips had moved on from Sharon when she’d done the same and he knew Lola would have been old news in no time as well. He was just so disappointed in her. Not just for her cheating - he’d dealt with that before and knew Lola was liable to use sex to self-medicate her own pain. He’d had to gently peel her off himself a couple of times when she was in a drunken, sobbing state and just hug her until she calmed down, as it wouldn’t have been right to take advantage, even when she was throwing herself at him. Jay was more upset for what Lo had put her own daughter through. And because he thought she had grown out of being a flight risk whenever something went wrong. Especially after the disaster that was Newcastle.

The two men sat silently for a minute or two, gathering their thoughts before they heard the back gate open, followed by the kitchen door. Ben was back with the food. He called out from the kitchen.

“Right, you want it plated up or dyu wannit out of the paper on a tray?!”

Jay looked at Phil before standing up and calling back;

“Um, actually Ben if you don’t mind I’m gonna take mine back ‘ome wiv me, get an early night. And I still ain’t spoke to Billy yet. I should let ‘im know.”

Ben came storming back into the living room empty handed and instantly rounded on Phil.

“What the hell ‘ave you said to make ‘im wanna go ‘ome?!”

“Aye?!” Phil looked pissed off.

“Nuffink Ben!” Jay retorted. “Phil ain’t said nuffink wrong alright! We’ve ‘ad a good chat. It’s me - I’m shattered and I’ve got a lot on me mind. Look, I’ll be round first fing in the mornin’ to come wiv ya to take Lexi to school. I’m at Cokers again tomorra and I’m menna be there Wednesdee as well but I’m gonna take the day off and ask Stuart to cover me as we’ve got a quiet one that day. I need some time off.” He made sure to look Ben directly in the eye as he spoke, hoping that he’d pick up in the hint about Wednesday and maybe - hopefully - grabbing some private time together.

Ben looked disappointed but the brief flash in his eyes told Jay that he’d got it.

“Right. Fine. Well text me when you get in, once you’ve spoken to Billy.” Ben rapidly plonked one of the wrapped up packages of food on Jay’s hands, a little too aggressively in his disappointment.

“I will and I’ll be back ‘ere at 8am. Oh, and Phil - cheers for the munch yeah? I appreciate it.” Jay gave Phil a small smile, which was reciprocated by a knowing look and a nod.

Jay made his way out the back of number 55 and didn’t - couldn’t - look at Ben again before he left, feeling too guilty at the unwanted and confusing feelings bubbling up inside him. He closed the back gate and took a deep breath as he stood with his back to it.

_Lola was going to propose?_


End file.
